Spoetry - Everything Has a Price

Each line was the title (with original spelling) of a spam email.
Arrangement, (some) punctuation and poem title by TJ Shroat.

Everything Has a Price
Hair coloring freaks!
And as she thus lamented, someone said to her:
There was a crooked man, and he walked a crooked mile.
But where the hell is he?
Hello?
I searched that you asked me and found.
You wanted proof?
Then join our Bowling evening.

Non Sequiturs - July 2009

Antonyms

1. The opposite of "buying a Porsche" is "Twittering about rain".
2. The opposite of "restraining order" is "inappropriate Facebook liking".
3. The opposite of "Star Wars" is "Rickrolling".
4. The opposite of "acting decisively" is "living a double modal life".
5. The opposite of "perceived wisdom" is "Apollo denial".
6. The opposite of "big fat bully" is "grammar nerd".

This Was Said©

Perfectly sensible sentences uttered by me, now stripped of all context.

1. You're so dumb, you had your butt shown on the news.
2. There aren't any dangers associated with undercooked pork. That's why it's called The Other Antibiotic.
3. See? I should never have let my subscription to High Times lapse.
4. Nothing is sadder than a pregnant waitress.
5. You never meet an Indian Indian. I don't know anyone named Gupta Tallfeathers.
6. We employ a lot of people nicknamed "Floop".
7. He's rich enough to always have a guy carrying a tray in his house.
8. Half the people here wish they were Japanese. The other half wish they were manga.

Accomplishments - July 2009

Crossed off from my Google To Do List. If 2009 is still hoping to crack my top ten favorite years, it's got a lot of ground to make up in the next five months.

July 2009

1. GET BOOTS
2. Arbitron
3. Insomnia remedy for J
4. I Love Movies
5. Spoon in July
6. crazy pdf
7. Shaun Tan - Simply Read Books
8. Drive Car
9. Blizzcon Tix
10. Astro City
11. Leonard Maltin game
12. Haircut
13. jayz + radiohead
14. Happy Factor
15. Dead Weather and Son Volt
16. SWOT - print plan
17. Pocket MBA

Spoetry - Unexplained Phenomena

Each line was the title (with original spelling) of a spam email.
Arrangement, (some) punctuation and poem title by TJ Shroat.

Unexplained Phenomena
US Air Force admits UFO facility.
'Human Zoo' Set To Open Inn Shanghai.
Aguilera's scars on butt.
Local priest killed fagot.
Man kicks car, gets shot.
Can you summorize this?
I love you?

Spoetry - Serendipity

Each line was the title (with original spelling) of a spam email.
Arrangement, (some) punctuation and poem title by TJ Shroat.

Serendipity
Condom Standards Convention 2007...
How can you explain it?
Pleasant night,
I saw your sister.
She took a golden ball.
My golden ball fell into the water.
And my jug without a handle.
Just like i told you.
Now explain me that!

Non Sequiturs - June 2009

Antonyms

1. The opposite of "home state pride" is "Creation Museum".
2. The opposite of "epiphany" is "huh?".
3. The opposite of "Eagle Scout" is "online, virtual whittler".
4. The opposite of "comfort food" is "turmoil secretion".
5. The opposite of "smelling a pretty girl's hair" is "drinking Mercurochrome".
6. The opposite of "flax seed bars" are "alcoholic beef squeezins".

This Was Said©
Perfectly sensible sentences uttered by me, now stripped of all context.

1. He's a big promoter of various putties.
2. I'm not fond of those short dresses that make women look like shuttlecocks.
   
3. That's gayer than a Tony Award.
4. My last name is a delicious, verbal tapas.
5. I need to figure out a way to incorporate maple syrup into my life more often.
6. Also, I'm really good at listening to Player's "Baby Come Back" on YouTube, three times in a row.
7. When's a blimp ever saved anyone?

Accomplishments - June 2009

From my Google To Do List, lots of things I sort of thought about maybe doing and sometimes did.

June 2009

1. Bill Withers
2. No line art
3. Comedy Death Ray
4. junto
5. truck ad - for sale sign for Focus
6. Update to 3.0
7. resole boots
8. Download Pineapple
9. Presta valve top
10. HDMI
11. Lava Lamp Bulb
12. For sale sign
13. Ricky Jay and His 52 Assistants
14. Be ON more often

Perks

There is a truly awful smell emanating from the ceiling, one row over from me. It's a combination of poo-poo and corpse. I can only assume that someone on the late shift managed to secretly stow a feces-caked pair of size 64 tighty-whitey's above the ceiling tiles. I'm periodically sniffing a tin of cinnamon candy to get through the day. I may need to shave my head and burn my clothes when I get home tonight.

Free cake in the cafeteria, however.

Spoetry - Baby Come Back

Baby Come Back
You're a jerk.
You're a moron.
...
...
You are in total command.
That is your life.
But I will make you happy!
Don't be a fool!
Next time listen to what I say!
You won'f fail this time.
So, so sory.

Spoetry #2

Amid the Viagra ads and Nigerian bank scams, I also receive spam emails of a more puzzling nature. EACH line below was the subject line of an email in my Spam folder. I arranged them into poems. Into Art. Feel your spirit soar.

Office Politics
I was your assistant.
You're in trouble.
Your co-worker fired.
You upset me.
Bring documents, please.
Read as fast as possible.
Report in written form.
Make sure of correctness of the decision.
Answer or I'll sue.

Non Sequiturs - May 2009

Antonyms

1. The opposite of "patience" is TJ Shroat.
2. The opposite of "faux-hawk" is "faux-comb-over".
3. The opposite of "visceral experience" is "candied hope".
4. The opposite of "drunken hobo" is "fastidious Webelos".
5. The opposite of "lemon zester" is "radish malaiser".
6. The opposite of "optimistic world view" is "pessimistic narcissism".

This Was Said©
Perfectly sensible sentences uttered by me, now stripped of all context.

1. More ass hair than a Guantánamo Bay toilet seat.
2. I don't want beer served in a Sizzler plastic cup.
3. "Omelet" always looks like it's spelled wrong.
4. I'm doing well. My glass is half-full...of mercury.
5. I'm on my hands and knees, looking at a toilet bowl full of hubris.
6. It's like drinking out of a Georgia mud puddle.
7. St. Ramen is the patron saint of dying alone.

Accomplishments - May 2009

An excerpt of checked (though not necessarily completed) tasks from my Google To Do List.

May 2009

1. Mother's Day
2. perceive ambiguity as opportunity
3. Voice Work - ping G
4. digitize BBQ video
5. Edit 15 posts
6. unsubscribe SGU podcast
   

Spoetry

Amid the Viagra ads and Nigerian bank scams, I also receive spam emails of a more puzzling nature. EACH line below was the subject line of an email in my Spam folder. I arranged them into poems. Into Art. Feel your spirit soar.

Picnic
Work is cancelled today.
You are welcomed at party.
Picnic must-have...our famous Table in a Bag.
Many do not trust, but it is real.
Jam, and jelly, and bread.

Pocahontas
Pocahontas,
Woman with artificial butt.
Tired of sunbathing in clothes because you are too fat?
Take a glance her if you feel like an less of a man.

Non Sequiturs - April 2009

Antonyms

1. The opposite of Bruce Springsteen is Klaus Nomi.
2. The opposite of "cauliflower ear" is "rutabaga eyelid".
3. The opposite of Rube Goldberg is IKEA.
4. The opposite of "welcome mat" is "bus ticket to Fistville".
5. The opposite of "kosher" is "Catholic fish fry".

This Was Said©
Perfectly sensible sentences uttered by me, now stripped of all context.

1. It was okay. I guess I was expecting a lot more velvet.
2. These taste insulationy.
3. Are you flaunting your wedding ring at me? Your metal circlet of not-dying-alone?
4. Green pepper is the creepy uncle of vegetables.
5. I enjoy my life in retrospect.
6. On the plus side, I'll be able to whistle and hum with impunity for the rest my life. That'll keep me warm at night.
7. I'm at that point in my life. I'm thirty-eight. It's either amulet, or get out.
8. "F__k" is the Led Zeppelin of swears.

Accomplishments - April 2009

An excerpt of checked (though not necessarily completed) tasks from my Google To Do List.

April 2009

1. get 11% discount
2. Taxes
3. I'm Not There - SOUNDTRACK
4. take a long view - continue to be consistently, quietly awesome
5. bookshelves - Ikea - Billy black - $59.99 - Aisle 1, Bin 24
6. Unsubscribe Word of the Day
7. Uninstall WoW
8. print stuff for meeting
9. NO TALK OF FEELINGS
10. Studio 360 podcast

Non Sequiturs - March 2009

Antonyms

1. The opposite of "Twitter" is "Tolstoyer", which I have recently installed on my iPhone.
2. The opposite of "zombie" is "any other topic".
3. The opposite of "quinceañera" is "colonoscopy".
4. The opposite of "puppy" is "grackle".
5. The opposite of "hangnail" is "stigmata".
6. The opposite of "South by Southwest hipster" is "Promise Keeper".
7. The opposite of Rod Stewart is Ira Glass.

This Was Said©
Perfectly sensible sentences uttered by me, now stripped of all context.

1. That makes me so goddamn mad, I want to punch someone in their mother.
2. "Is that guy wearing a gi?" "Nah, he has to perform a splenectomy tomorrow."
3. Very few bands have achieved a midget tribute band level of fame.
4. That's a lot of bandying of the word "tincture".
5. Grace and I have been working a classic frosting grift on you.

Accomplishments - March 2009

An excerpt of checked (though not necessarily completed) tasks from my Google To Do List.

March 2009

1. Homemade egg mcmuffin
2. Journey
3. The Blanton
4. Order contact lenses
5. Phil Collins Alamo
6. check radiolab for marshmellow video
7. WE'LL SEE
8. Sell TVs
   
9. manage your expectations
   
10. The New Curmudgeonism

Antonyms - February 2009

1. The opposite of "purpose" is "living in the now".
   
2. The opposite of "clown" is "scorpion".
   
3. The opposite of "zombie" is "erudite, intellectual toddler".
   
4. The opposite of David Bowie is Fess Parker.
   
5. The opposite of "zombie" is "Little League parent".
   
6. The opposite of "Lent" is "Burning Man".
7. The opposite of "zombie" is "flamboyant metrosexual".

Antonyms - January 2009

1. The opposite of "lady's man" is "twenty-sided die".
   
2. The opposite of Charles Manson is Mary Poppins.
   
3. The opposite of "writing exercise" is "constructive job search".
   
4. The opposite of "human misery" is "bacon and egg taco".
   
5. The opposite of "coat tree" is "subterranean galoshes vault".
   
6. The opposite of "American auto worker" is "Chinese gold farmer".
   
7. The opposite of "peppermint" is "vomit burp".
   
8. The opposite of "baby powder" is "wet dog".
   
9. The opposite of "anonymous love note" is "keyboard pubes".

A Friendship Hundredaire

From Texasmonthly.com

Antonyms - December 2008

1. The opposite of "naked" is "tuxedo".
   
2. The opposite of "Thanksgiving" is "August 5".
   
3. The opposite of "almond" is "lint".
   
4. The opposite of "diaper" is "Crabtree & Evelyn".
   
5. The opposite of "penultimate" is "Frisbee golf".
   
6. The opposite of "flip-flops" is "bone mittens".
   
7. The opposite of Alfred Nobel is Jimmie Walker.
8. The opposite of "juice bar" is "car wash".
   
9. The opposite of "septic tank" is "cinnamon".
10. The opposite of "Facebook" is "Buttdaguerreotype".

The Mysterious Case of the Coat Tree and the Handsome Man

From TexasMonthly.com

I Have a Dream #10: The Audacity of Hotdogs

I'm in the kitchen of house where I grew up. Barack Obama is standing at the harvest-gold stove. He's wearing a frilly apron and is talking to an adviser who is leaning against our harvest-gold dishwasher. Another adviser is rooting through our harvest-gold refridgerator. The President-elect is boiling two hotdogs, one whole, one that has been cut meticulously into eight equal pieces. He's using an avacado-green sauce pan that I own to this day. I suggest that the hotdogs would be better if he grilled them. He looks at me thoughtfully, then tells me that using the grill is really too much trouble for just two hotdogs. I press him on the issue, explaining that we have a gas grill and it's really no trouble and that I always use the grill, even for just two hotdogs. Obama patiently and politely declines my offer, then gives a meaningful look at the adviser leaning on the dishwasher. She glares at me, says "The President will take it from here", then motions for me to go to the basement, which is cold and depressing.

Analysis: I continue to suffer from anxiety as I wait to be appointed Secretary of Housing and Urban Development.

Coping with Loss

From ITPT

I Have a Dream #9: Bagboy Beatdown Edition

I entered a grocery store on a rainy night (common setting for many of my most vivid dreams) to meet my mother inside, whom, I hoped, had already finished shopping and was already in a checkout lane. The store appeared to be the Hikes Point Kroger in Louisville, the main grocery for much of my childhood, prior to the remodeling that took place sometime in the early 1980s. I was an adult in the dream however. My mother’s age in the dream was indeterminate.

My mother was, in fact, in the process of unloading her cart onto the conveyor belt as I walked into the store. As I headed toward her to help her unload, I noticed the bag boy in the next aisle. He was approximately seventeen years old, chubby-cheeked, sloppily dressed, with a curly frat-fro. He was also red-faced from exertion because he had his feet hooked into the bag holder at the end of the checkout line and was hanging upside down from it, like a kid on a jungle gym.


Unable to do his job from that position, he instead heckled customers as they left the store. “Enjoy your foods, fatty,” he yelled at an older man. “Pepsi, pepsi, pepsico,” he chanted as a woman with two young children nervously walked past him. This behavior greatly angered me for some reason, so I reached down and delivered a sharp slap across his face and firmly said, “No.” Everyone in the store stopped and watched as bagboy laboriously tried to pull himself up and unhook his feet from the bag holder. After what seemed like minutes of trying, he finally managed to get loose and roll onto the floor. Trembling with rage as he stood up, he grabbed a can of cream corn (another puzzling recurring dream element for me) and reared back as if to throw it at me. I responded with, “Don’t you…”, as I prepared to throw what I had been holding all along, two helium filled, foil balloons that said “Get Well”. Bagboy found the prospect of getting popped with gift balloons unpleasant enough to stay his hand.

At this point, I demanded that the cashier call the store manager. The manager, who resembled a short Daniel Stern, escorted me to the gumball machines and asked me to explain what had happened. “He was hanging upside down,” was my only response. As I said this, I noticed that at least a dozen other patrons had crowded closely around us, all waiting to ask the manager grocery related questions. I looked at the silently staring crowd and said, “Do you mind?” while gently pushing them away. The store manager had changed into a pleasant-faced, portly woman. She gestured to the bagboy, who continued to glare at me in the distance, and explained, “Thing is, I’m taking him to a party tonight.” Somehow, this statement made me realize that the bagboy was a “special needs” person. And I had slapped his face in public.

As we left the store, my mother glared at me as if this wasn’t the first time I’d publicly shamed her in this manner.