House Music (#8 of __)

Drunk History Christmas with Ryan Gosling, Jim Carrey and Eva Mendes from Ryan Gosling

I also recommend Jen Kirkman telling the story of Abraham Lincoln (Will Ferrell) and Fredrick Douglass (Don Cheadle).

House Music (#7 of __)

Portugal. The Man - In the Mountain in the Cloud

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Jr. - It's A Corporate World

Foster the People - Torches

Three of the year's best albums.


UPDATE
Paste named Dale Earnhardt Jr. Jr. as the Worst New Band Name of 2011. I hate all three of these bands' names. I would be embarrassed to say them to my mother.

House Music (#6 of __)

I signed up for Hulu solely to watch new episodes of Community. To love this show is to know my sense-of-humor-secret-handshake. One of them, anyway.

Lassitude Tableau (#3 of __) - Digital Edition

And yet, none in the Dryer family of sounds have been able to supplant Rain - Porch as my preferred soporific, ambient noise.

Which of these is best for dying alone?

House Music (#5 of __)

This became amazing on the third time through. Wish they'd played "Little Black Submarines" on SNL. I'm about to dig into The Black Keys' back catalog. (archaic prison phrase)

---

Odenkirk anger is always funny to me.

The Black Keys New Van with Bob Odenkirk from The Black Keys

House Music (#4 of __)

3 albums

33 songs

2.1 hours

St. Vincent gets under my skin. I've been playing her (their?) newest album even more than Wilco's over the last three months. High praise indeed.

Best of Twitter - November 2011

• Does anyone already get Mexican Popsicle Aficionado magazine? Feel like I won't get value from a full year subscription.
• Coffee-shop-based work allows me to have colleagues like the woman who just entered with part of a headboard & a container of grits. #MBA
• Friends didn't set their kitchen clock back, then used it to run a bedtime scam on their 3 kids. Passing that info along to Kidz Wikileaks.
• Maker of Awesome Mix Tapes for Gasoline Marauding in the Wasteland #PostApocalypticJobsICanDo
• Bishop in the Fundamentalist Church of Steve Martin #PostApocalypticJobsICanDo
• Post Apocalyptic Jobs I Can Do - http://t.co/8C6GdcZ5 - #PostApocalypticJobsICanDo
• Pity the hipster who has to enunciate: "I'm in a The National cover band."
• If I get hit by a bus tomorrow, the leading contender for my gravestone epitaph: "He never responded to a crisis by growing a ponytail."
• The "Linoleum-tooth Lonnie Takes a Wife" #ClassicGrift
• Quinoa and lentils for dinner, alone, at home. This must be what it feels like to own a Prius.
• Teaching 8 year old how to play 20 questions. Her 1st question: "Is it lovely?"
• “Would a peanut dilettante put already roasted peanuts in the oven for additional roasting?” - not as debonair when I said it out loud
• No one at this Walmart seems to want to talk about Benjamin Banneker, Harriet Tubman or Langston Hughes. #BlackHistoryFriday
• Once asked by a 4 y.o. which I liked better, orange juice or Batman. Started to give lecture on false dichotomies, then settled on Batman.
• I remember when we didn't have to dig up a bunch of mistresses to stop ourselves from nominating a black guy. - some old Republican
• I'm still convinced that 85% of the bicycling in this town is affectation-based. #FestoonedWithFauxSponsors

House Music (#3 of __)

Saw Kyle Kinane at Mohawk in early April, during Austin Comedy Week, which is a thing it seems like I should have known about before it was at hand. Best set I'll see this year.

---

Later tonight will mark my fourth or fifth attempt to get to the end of The Last Emperor. I saw it in college, but have had it mixed up in my head with Seven Years in Tibet and Kundun, what with all the bald Asian boys in funny hats and weird horn music. I think I've made it to the final half hour. Period pieces make a fine soporific, notwithstanding sudden train whistles.

R.E.I.'s Outdoorsy Jewel Thief

I'm sure the neighborhood is thrilled to have a six foot four guy dressed like this regularly walking around after dark. Black gloves too. But, hey, it's enough for me to know that I'm a good person.

This is as straight as I can currently hold my head up, without excruciating pain. Another case of Thanksgiving-neck you're probably thinking. No. Pretty sure it was a shoulder exercise that I did incorrectly, despite Tony Horton's repeated demonstrations of correct P90X technique. Exacerbated by "sleeping wrong". Didn't Louis C.K. do a bit about that? #IntelligentDesign

I probably weighed 10 pounds lighter this time last year. I was 10 pounds heavier two years ago though. So there's that. #HeyLadies?

Handsomeness is a funny notion. Being handsome.

UPDATE

Speaking of jewel thieves...

House Music (#2 of __)

Yo La Tengo

6 Albums (randomized)

96 songs

6.9 hours

Dialed it up using the Remote App on the iPhone. Easy to name check a song from wherever I am in the house.

Good music to have on for a full afternoon and evening. Read. Lied on the couch and played an iPhone game with muted football on the TV. Slipped into a Benadryl/smoke haze. Ate some oatmeal. Sundays, right?

I was late to the party on this band.

Because of this, I finally checked them out:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/37-recordstore-clerks-feared-dead-in-yo-la-tengo-c,116/

("It's just a twisted mass of black-frame glasses and ironic Girl Scouts T-shirts in there.")

And they played a recent episode of Comedy Bang Bang.

Leftovers

These leftovers have wandered into a tough neighborhood. About to get their asses kicked.

Thanksgiving Companions

Sad Dog

Happy Dog

Princesses

House Music (#1 of __)

Otis - Jay-Z and Kanye West

Tell Me Something Good - Rufus & Chaka Khan

Evil Woman - Electric Light Orchestra

Lowdown - Boz Scaggs

No Church In the Wild - Jay-Z and Kanye West

The Rubberband Man - Spinners

Optimistic Moment - Jaydiohead

Flashing Lights - Kanye West

Compared to What - John Legend & The Roots

In the Music - The Roots

Who Is He (And What Is He to You)? - Bill Withers

The Preacher - Brother Ali

Across 110th Street - Bobby Womack

Sexx Laws - Beck

Gunpowder - Black Joe Lewis & The Honeybears

Cold Shoulder - Adele

Cold Sweat - James Brown & The Famous Flames

Valerie - Amy Winehouse

Use Me - Bill Withers

Who's Gonna Save My Soul - Gnarls Barkley

Loud. #BachelorGlory

"No birds."

From The greatest week in rock history - Salon.com

-- As for the Stones, bassist Bill Wyman, accustomed to having groupies attend to his needs after every show, reportedly became severely depressed one night when the girls failed to show up. When someone asked him what the matter was, he despondently replied, "No birds."--

This quote has always stuck with me. There’s a bewildered earnestness to it.

Hard to Be Special

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-15391515

"7-7-8-6-3-6-3-7-7-2-4! THAT IS YOUR PERSON-TO-HAVE-LIVED-SINCE-HISTORY-BEGAN NUMBER! IT WILL NOT BE REPEATED! FORGET TO INCLUDE YOUR PERSON-TO-HAVE-LIVED-SINCE-HISTORY-BEGAN NUMBER...AND THEY DOCK YA!

Breaking through the Apple-Brown-Betty-Ceiling

A friend's mother just posted this photo on Facebook. It’s a bundt cake that she made, along with the issue of Southern Living with that recipe.
Bundt Cake!
Southern Living!
This might be the purest, best "MeeMaw's-on-the-Facebook" moment I've ever witnessed.
Love it.

I hope she posted knowing her two daughters would cringe.
Knowing that she'd get Likes and positive comments from her peers. (Looks amazing!! ; That's gorgeous...........!!!!!!!)
Knowing those peers were all too worried about getting lectured by their own kids about their social media mannerisms to post their prized bundt cake photos.
I like to imagine my friend's mom (who is a delight) pressing Enter to send the post, sitting back in her chair, and whispering, "Boo-ya, muthafuckers."

It's such a fine looking bundt cake.

Lassitude Tableau (#2 of __)

Lassitude Tableau (#1 of __)

It wasn't until I got home that I realized "Basic" meant cheap, rather than unscented. So, not only did I go through the checkout at H.E.B. on Friday at 7PM, red-eyed, 5 o'clock shadow, no ring, automatic assumptions of divorce (too tall and handsome to have never married, "must not be his weekend to see the kids"), to purchase ice cream and toilet paper with an in-store coupon...already a sad, reassess-your-life-tableau...but also, the toilet paper, which I purchased right there in front of all those people, was discount toilet paper. And not a Hill-Country-Fare, I-just-need-toilet-paper-for-my-boat discount toilet paper. No, this was a Mercedes-C-class, can-no-longer-afford-nice-things, still-clinging-to-a-sad-pretense-based-on-brand-identity, nobody-is-fooled discount toilet paper.

Charmin Basic

Tagline: "Holds Up" (The minimum boast a toilet paper can make.)

I guess we'll just have to wait an see.

It also occurred to me on the short drive home that my car, which was named by a friend "The Iso-Griffith" (Me: "Sure. Drives like a glove."), which used to be named "Sedan" for its nondescript make, model and year, which is neither blue nor green nor gray on the outside, which is beige-ish but not beige on the inside, which has a dent on the passenger side, which has an out-of-state license plate because it's (slightly) cheaper register it in Kentucky through my dad's business, that car...well that's the car of a drifter-murderer. We're already in Texas, after all. And now with Daylight Savings Time, I get to make women in parking lots feel uncomfortable an hour earlier in the evenings.

...

...

...

I don't know. Maybe I'm over-thinking the whole basic consumables purchase process.

Post Apocalyptic Jobs I Can Do

1. Traveling Charlatan (with idiot assistant)
2. Maker of Awesome Mix Tapes for Gasoline Marauding in the Wasteland
3. Penis-sheath-wearing Shaman (while Alka-Seltzer stockpile lasts)
4. Bishop in the Fundamentalist Church of Steve Martin
5. Handmaiden Therapist
6. Star Wars Lore-keeper (original trilogy only)
7. Miniature Schnauzer Hounds-master
8. Dishwasher
9. Misanthropic Hermit (easiest transition from pre-apocalypse)
10. Mustache Rides (for 5 fresh rats)
11. Keeper of the Last Copy of In Rainbows
12. Royal Almond Taster (yep, that's still a job)
13. Shakespearean Fool to the Overlord of the Barrens
14. Mexican-Breakfast Forager
15. Bringer of Nose-Milk from Children

#PostApocalypticJobsICanDo

Tonight, on Food-Guilt...

Hair of the Dog - Bacon wrapped beef frank, deep-fried with chili, cheddar cheese, a fried egg and Tabasco sauce.

Chili Cheese Corn Dog - Vienna beef corn dog, split open and filled with chili, cheese & diced onions

This is the best stoner-food option on all of Burnet. (Someone call High Times!)

Switching out migas for huevos rancheros to get cheese and calories out of my diet probably balances this once-a-month meal. (That's what I tell myself.) Discounted (the price, but not the shame) by a coupon. If I can eat this meal enough times, I just know I'll find love.

Best of Twitter - October 2011

• 100% chance that any compact pickup truck with a camper top will be driven by a balding guy with a gray ponytail.
• Mistook Icy Hot roll-on for deodorant, and suddenly, my morning became a hackneyed 80's sitcom bit.
• I refuse to be happy again unless Fred Durst marries Kirsten Dunst and they have a son named Dwayne Durst-Dunst. #YourMoveDurst&Dunst
• You do everything in your power not to appear creepy & then you get an American Girl catalog in the mail. #Macabre http://t.co/5gMy8h03
• Hey, be honest. Does this misanthropy make me look fat?
• If I was a father, I feel like I'd be really good at teaching my kids not to stare at goiters.
• “Send in Weirdy Beardy.” - Every manager's call to a bullpen.
• After winning the lottery, one of my eccentricities will be vacationing only in countries that allow chicken fighting.
• No, no. I don't need a bat. I'm going to choke the candy out of this piñata.
• Go as President Garfield assassin, Charles Guiteau. Act hurt when no one gets it. Never reveal that actual costume is Passive Aggression.

Tweets - Best of September 2011

• I'm a total Willona. #PeopleThatSelfIdentifyAsGoodTimesCharacters
• Windy outdoor breakfast. 5 yr old Lucy casually pulled a pinwheel from her pink backpack and suddenly, the morning was full of possibility.
• Life is too short to do anything solely for the irony. - every hipster's eventual, but too late epiphany
• ‘bout time I bought me some of them red & white striped Richard Simmons shorts. See how that goes before I get the perm.
• And when Alexander saw the breadth of his domain he wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer. #HansGruber #DieHard http://t.co/lPmHekx
• I wouldn't say I have a lot of gray hair, but probably enough for you to be able to work out your daddy issues.
• I should have married the heiress to a red-plastic-cup-at-Mexican-restaurant magnate.
• Wait, shouldn't there be only one set of footprints right now because a supernatural entity is carrying me? #DragMarks
• Please don't make me have to be the one that starts the Facebook fan page for Scarlett Johansson's naked butt photo.
• Ready for a feel-good movie about music & love on the Netflix, kids? It's called Sid & Nancy. #UncleTJsPoorlyConceivedSlumberPartyFor7YrOlds
• Had that dream again where me and a cheerleader buy pot cornbread from a guy with a bunch of old-timey fire engines. ACL, amiright?
• If I could just find the right women's prison movie on Netflix, tonight (and life) would be perfect. I'm a bit of an aesthete, you see.
• Can't say that I'm always thrilled with life, but at least I'll never carry a cardboard "D" and fence silhouette into a stadium. #Ladies?
• Somewhere in the South, there's a guy who used to go by R.T., now bitterly responding to "Ole' Retweet".
• MacArthur Foundation Genius Awards. Once again, failing to recognize my vital work in the field of swell-guyness. http://t.co/ERrLPFHR
• Popcorn: Great as a food noun. Disgusting as a food adjective.
• Noticed for the 1st time that my street appears in several shots of Dazed and Confused. Property value jumped 15% & I have the munchies.
• I've found that the easiest way to get rid of solicitors is to answer the door wearing goggles and holding a toilet brush.
• Parents: Stop correcting your kids for staring at the obese in public. It's the appropriate reaction to a carnival of sorts.
• Last 100 degree day of the year predicted. Time to replace my white Speedos with blue jean short-shorts.

Tweets - Best of August 2011

• Wait, Lowly Worm wasn't an under-employed knowledge worker who occasionally tweeted? I'm going to stop wearing this fez. http://t.co/xWTjxz5
• To anyone who's ever said, "I'm a grown-ass man/woman.": No, you're not.
• This has been a summer of Austin, TX saying, "You knew this about me when you married me."
• Children allowed to use baby-talk are 90% more likely to one day have their own kids mauled by illegal, exotic pets. #FactsIKnow
• Watched "Tree of Life" matinee with 10 old ladies. Bought a corn-dog with a coupon. Modeled for cover of Modern Bachelor.
• Now is the time of day when I drink a bunch of iced tea and get depressed about not participating in more class action lawsuits.
• Incredulous 'bout Vegetable Oil Spreads #AlternativeNamesForICantBelieveItsNotButter
• Still waiting for life to toss Mean Joe Greene's jersey to me.
• Been losing weight since I started doing Pontius pilates but worried it's not good for my soul.
• 5-year-old boys can only take so much fun and laughter before needing to throw a punch out of happiness. All sucker-punches.
• If toes could detach from the foot, they'd already have suffocated themselves in an abandoned refrigerator. #ToesAreStupid
• Right side, roast-beef-having-toe scored 1150 on the SAT. I mean, come on. #ToesAreStupid
• I should have a lot more "Is everything to your satisfaction, Mr. Shroat?" in my life.
• Dreamed that I showed up, to a tense reunion with a past love, dressed like a Cub Scout. Chicks dig Webelos, am I right?

Tweets - Best of July 2011

• Rinsed a cracker in the sink and ate it after dropping it in a soapy puddle on the counter. And just like that, a new low.
• Microwaving frozen falafel patties at 10 p.m.; just as I imagined my adult life when reading stolen Playboys 30 years ago.
• New York Times news alert email about who won Wimbledon. #StuffWhitePeopleLike
• So handsome today, I can't lean against railing without someone yelling "Show-off!" #Handsome
• My attempts to get everyone to refer to me as "El Jefe" have failed to gain traction. Stop being a jerk about this, Mom.
• Unfortunately for The Lullaby League, they opened for a crowd that was clearly there to see The Lollipop Guild.
• The microwave bean burrito is the bologna sandwich of vegan fare.
• #NativeKentuckianFunFact: We all smell like a delightful, subtle blend of boubon, bacon, cigar, mowed grass and urine. #KeenelandCologne
• Big-box stores are the Debra Winger of Craigslist Missed Connection locations.
• It was my understanding that... = I am wrong. I could not be more wrong.
• What's the time? "It's time to eat a bunch of peanuts!" = My house-DJ's call-and-response.
• Template of my dreams (pick 3 or more): tornado + dog I have known + grandparent + place I've lived + mundane task made impossible
• Life sure does have me vacuuming dead roly polies a lot more than I thought it would at this stage.
• I have the appetite and classic eating prowess of a Civil War general. #OrSomething
• Remember when men would dress classy for air travel and wear a coat and tie with their sweatpants & flip-flops?

Tweets - Best of June 2011

• I want women to look at me and think, "Damn, he looks like he could have stepped out of a late-70s perfume commercial." #handsome
• Ennui is the cumin of life.
• Shared moment of solidarity with 80ish Mexican man when we both flinched at horrible, whinnying laugh of nearby awful woman. #WeAreTheWorld
• I wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating crackers but I would kick her out of bed for having a bunch of throwing stars. #Standards
• The world of the idiot is filled with mystery and wonder.
• If a meteor hits this Rush show, Austin will be deprived of most of its 40ish mild-Aspergery guys. You'll miss 25% of us. I mean them.
• By his mid-30s, the Aspergery Rush fan has learned to keep his air-drumming at waist level.
• Sometimes, I worry my career in parkour is over before it really began.
• Austin summer is a long, intense Bikram yoga class. I'm not very good at it but I'm pretty sure the instructor has a thing for me.
• I'm not so much a thought-leader as I am a hunch-leader. But definitely put all your money in molybdenum and veal cutlets.
• A good thing about not being a father is knowing I'll never send a tweet about golf or baseball. #CosbySweaters
• On the other hand, I guess it would be nice to have someone to annually watch the Great Santini with me.
• Bulk Trash Day: A berg of our crazy breaks off & floats out to the curb. "He's throwin' out 13 mop handles? WTF goes on in there?"
• Just overheard the apocryphal "His dad invented the ketchup packet" explanation of wealth. #PacketMagnates
• Dear General Public: Most of you have disgusting feet. I suggest socks, double footectomies, or just staying at home. #HadMineBronzed
• Now's the time of night when I eat a whole bunch of roasted peanuts. #MagicHour
• Why yes, earnest 20-something. I would love to see your laminated sheet & be made to feel guilty as cool air escapes my open front door.