Helcomb County Municipal Lake Dredge Appraisal
So many layers of subtle weirdness. My favorite of the new, recurring Onion Digital series.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Thursday, August 02, 2012
- Celebrating my good fortune to be born in 20th century America as if it were a personal accomplishment. #4thofJuly
- I would shop for clothes at Misanthropologie.
- “Flannery O'Coen”, he sighed, wistfully.
- Stay at home, hide from the sun, and eat a bunch of cherries? Okay imaginary girlfriend, you're the boss.
- No matter how much trust you’ve built, it’s pretty much impossible to vacuum a dog.
- If you’re wondering about that Kylie Minogue song in my Spotify history, I’d be happy to meet with you and explain it with my fists.
- Hey, all my favorite bands. Do a cover of any Billy Squier song whenever I see you live, okay? Thanks. Sincerely, TJ
- Ah. Now I see the problem. A lot of you seem to be forgetting that I’m a goddamn treasure.
- Of all the things that dogs see us do that are incomprehensible to them, I bet using a lint roller is in the top 10.
- Just made what I hope will be perceived as the universal hand gesture for lime wedge and not the universal gesture for nipple tweak.
- Few things disappoint like salsa that’s just gone fizzy.
- Obscene-Diatribe-Triggered-By-Slight-Delay-Due-To-Bicyclist-In-Your-Lane - You know the Germans have one word for this concept.
- “I can eat 50 grapes.” - Less-Ambitious Hand Luke
- Like to ruin the fun? Add a sanctimonious "guys, come on" to just about anything.
- On my bike ride, saw a feral parakeet eating a dead mouse, so the rest of the day is likely to disappoint. #SundayMorningMagic
- Have yet to be invited to a deviled egg party this summer, which is some bullshit.
- Retiring the term "Mexican Breakfast". From now on, "Breakfast". The rest of you can use adjectives to describe how you’re doing it wrong.
Olympic Snark (all televised sports are better if you mute the volume and make up your own stories)
- Brazil is the pretty girl in high school. Canada, the funny one.
- Listening to Hans Zimmer's TDKR score with TV muted gives the Parade of Nations a real sense of urgency.
- Prince Harry, the future Billie Carter of England.
- In case that wasn't clear, Prince Harry is well on his way to becoming a bizarre amalgam of Billy Carter and Billie Jean King. #NailedIt
- If you never pretended to light the Olympic cauldron as a kid, your childhood was a sham.
- The year 1991 made a deal with the Devil, thus the continuing existence of Olympic beach volleyball.
- Olympic gymnasts really make it look effortless. Wait, I meant joyless. #MuscularToddlersAndTiaras #Gunpoint
- Those kayaks aren’t very slimming. - background-Olympic thoughts
- Shaven Muscle-Hobbits - rebranding idea for men’s gymnastics
- Pretty sure one of the British gymnastics coaches is Charles Widmore. #LostReference #In2012 #ThanksForStoppingBy
- Empty Gesturing #RejectedOlympicEvents
- A lot of world-class athletes hail from families of grotesques.
#Migraines (thrilled that this could return as a life hashtag)
- Tiny John Henry competing against tiny steam powered hammer in my brain. #Migraine
- Tiny British and tiny French tunnelers about to meet up and shake hands in my skull. #TinySkullChunnel #Migraine
- "Guys, let's turn this migraine, into a HIGH-graine." - tiny optimist, shouted down at the planning meeting in my noggin #Migraine