Thursday, October 29, 2009

Spoetry - Commander and Chief

Each line was the subject line (with original spelling) of a spam email. Arrangement, (some) punctuation and poem title by TJ Shroat.

Commander and Chief
Mascot election,
We are calling for nomination.
Our gang needs a bro.

Need your recommendation.
Instantly out of the rose garden,

Something came creeping.
Now another one.
Our new Team-Leader.
You're not like others.

Trust this man?
I told you that about Obama!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Spoetry - The Breakup

Each line was the subject line (with original spelling) of a spam email.
Arrangement, (some) punctuation and poem title by TJ Shroat.

The Breakup
When will you call?
Can't call you. Call me.
I dream of you,
Through the night, and all so peaceful and still...
But I was angry in my heart nor hear.
It was dark and cold outside.
Watching sunrise was fun.
We can work it out?
All what you need.
Let's continue conversation.
...
It's ok, I'll go.
Little I'd ever teach a son but hitting.
Aloha.

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Non Sequiturs - September 2009

Antonyms

  1. The opposite of "Labor Day" is "Astor-Carnegie-Vanderbiltathon", at your local Rolls Royce dealership.
  2. The opposite of "solemn memorial" is "conspiracy remembrance".
  3. The opposite of "all you can eat stew" is "succinct omelet".
  4. The opposite of "drug mule" is "placebo importer".
  5. The opposite of "hanging drywall and fixing cars" is "downloading the McSweeney's iPhone app".

This Was Said©
Perfectly sensible sentences uttered by me, now stripped of all context.

  1. I can't sleep past 7, no matter what I did the night before. Of course, that's also about the time my imaginary children wake up.
  2. I’d kill to work downtown. Well, maybe not kill. I’d maim and say mean things to work downtown.
  3. My comedic timing is used to calibrate atomic clocks. Because on it's own, cesium decay? Not that funny.
  4. Mexico is the world's leading exporter of placebo.
  5. It's like an anti-gravity Segway for your head.
  6. Louisville has world class after-rain-street-smell. It's the bourbon of after-rain-street-smell.
  7. No, I became a fan of the Julia Roberts iPhone app on Facebook, not a fan of Julia Roberts on Facebook. Get it straight.

Classic Grift
A public service to raise awareness of notable cons, flimflams, swindles, and cheats.
  1. Two Men and a Squirrel Donor
Homophonic Meditations©:
These words totally sound alike.
  1. Hoarse is funnier than horse.