- The opposite of "Labor Day" is "Astor-Carnegie-Vanderbiltathon", at your local Rolls Royce dealership.
- The opposite of "solemn memorial" is "conspiracy remembrance".
- The opposite of "all you can eat stew" is "succinct omelet".
- The opposite of "drug mule" is "placebo importer".
- The opposite of "hanging drywall and fixing cars" is "downloading the McSweeney's iPhone app".
This Was Said©
Perfectly sensible sentences uttered by me, now stripped of all context.
- I can't sleep past 7, no matter what I did the night before. Of course, that's also about the time my imaginary children wake up.
- I’d kill to work downtown. Well, maybe not kill. I’d maim and say mean things to work downtown.
- My comedic timing is used to calibrate atomic clocks. Because on it's own, cesium decay? Not that funny.
- Mexico is the world's leading exporter of placebo.
- It's like an anti-gravity Segway for your head.
- Louisville has world class after-rain-street-smell. It's the bourbon of after-rain-street-smell.
- No, I became a fan of the Julia Roberts iPhone app on Facebook, not a fan of Julia Roberts on Facebook. Get it straight.
A public service to raise awareness of notable cons, flimflams, swindles, and cheats.
- Two Men and a Squirrel Donor
These words totally sound alike.
- Hoarse is funnier than horse.