Non Sequiturs - September 2009

Antonyms

1. The opposite of "Labor Day" is "Astor-Carnegie-Vanderbiltathon", at your local Rolls Royce dealership.
2. The opposite of "solemn memorial" is "conspiracy remembrance".
3. The opposite of "all you can eat stew" is "succinct omelet".
4. The opposite of "drug mule" is "placebo importer".
5. The opposite of "hanging drywall and fixing cars" is "downloading the McSweeney's iPhone app".

This Was Said©

Perfectly sensible sentences uttered by me, now stripped of all context.

1. I can't sleep past 7, no matter what I did the night before. Of course, that's also about the time my imaginary children wake up.
2. I’d kill to work downtown. Well, maybe not kill. I’d maim and say mean things to work downtown.
3. My comedic timing is used to calibrate atomic clocks. Because on it's own, cesium decay? Not that funny.
4. Mexico is the world's leading exporter of placebo.
5. It's like an anti-gravity Segway for your head.
6. Louisville has world class after-rain-street-smell. It's the bourbon of after-rain-street-smell.
7. No, I became a fan of the Julia Roberts iPhone app on Facebook, not a fan of Julia Roberts on Facebook. Get it straight.

Classic Grifts©
A public service to raise awareness of notable cons, flimflams, swindles, and cheats.

1. Two Men and a Squirrel Donor

Homophonic Meditations©:
These words totally sound alike.

1. Hoarse is funnier than horse.