Friday, August 31, 2007

I Have a Dream #8: No Longer Welcome Here Edition

In the dream, I am being visited by my good friends, the Shields family. We are at a restaurant, perhaps Trudy’s, and three and a half year old Leo Shields dumps a large plastic tumbler of ice water on my head and laughs at me. Neither parent is inclined to discipline Leo, so I begin to patiently, rationally lecture him. He continues to laugh and his parents continue to look helplessly at me.

The scene shifts and we are now in a version of my back patio. One year old Lorenzo Shields, who can walk in the dream, drops his pants and poops in a terra cotta flower pot next to my back door. Older brother Leo again points and laughs. Parent Shields continue to do nothing.

At this point, I look up at the second story of the house (this version of my house had a second floor) and notice that one of the windows has a small round hole in it. Several ferrets are going in and out of the hole in the window. I grab a garden hose, hoping that spraying them with water will scare them away. Instead, the water forces them all inside.

As anyone knows, ferret infestation greatly lowers property values. I will not be hosting the Shields family ever again.

Culprit #1

Culprit #2

Culprit #3

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

What Else Is in the Fridge?

As before, all items were observed at least three different times.

Pickle Jar – Sixty four ounce jar. Brought to work and left for days with only two and a half lonely dill spears floating in brine.

Batman Lunchbox – Specifically, a Batman the Animated Series lunchbox, not that bullshit, compromise Christian Bale nonsense.

Spilled Coffee – Someone put an almost full Styrofoam cup of coffee on the top shelf of the fridge and someone else, probably in the act of opening the door, caused the coffee to spill and cover the entire top two shelves. This mess remained for almost two weeks, as employees avoided putting food items on the effected shelves and instead crammed items into the remaining, untainted spaces. Kitty Genovese, all over again.

Humongous Salad Bowl – A huge plastic bowl with a prepackaged bag of lettuce sitting in the bottom like a kid trapped in a well. To my disappoint, I have yet to be on hand when the owner debags his/her healthy lunch, drenches it with a Costco-sized bottle of ranch dressing, tosses it with a huge set of wooden salad tongs, sits down at a table, wraps an arm around the giant bowl and pulls it in close, and finally, grimly eats while casting envious glances at others walking in from the parking lot with Sonic bags. Or so I like to imagine, anyway.