Tuesday, January 01, 2013

Best of Twitter - December 2012

  • 6 y.o. asked “How is soap made?” Realized all my knowledge was from Fight Club. So now he has a chemical burn on the back of his hand.
  • “Hooray. Christmas Feet,” he muttered, upon seeing the bunion-gnarled, aging hippie in flip flops. #Austin #80DegreeDecember
  • Nothing makes me cross to the other side of the street faster than a neck tattoo.
  • The post office no longer accepts stamped lumps of coal with etched addresses, so when you don’t get a gift from me, that’s why.
  • Felt guilty about wasting another afternoon looking at meth before-and-after photos, but hey, it’s almost the holidays.
  • Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Always a Marley, never a Scrooge.
  • 6 y.o.: “Hey T.J., can we skip together into the next room?” “Yes. Yes we can.”
  • Krampusing - my new dance, based on krumping, that ruins Christmas for small children.
  • Just had to tell my mother, “Stop waving that knife around at me.” (dispute about ham) #Holidays
  • “Wait, I thought we were still talking about who's ugly.” - my mother, indignant and confused about the change in conversation topic
  • Hey, it's midnight somewhere, right? (immediately goes to bed)