Tuesday, November 29, 2011

House Music (#3 of __)

Saw Kyle Kinane at Mohawk in early April, during Austin Comedy Week, which is a thing it seems like I should have known about before it was at hand. Best set I'll see this year.


Later tonight will mark my fourth or fifth attempt to get to the end of The Last Emperor. I saw it in college, but have had it mixed up in my head with Seven Years in Tibet and Kundun, what with all the bald Asian boys in funny hats and weird horn music. I think I've made it to the final half hour. Period pieces make a fine soporific, notwithstanding sudden train whistles.

Monday, November 28, 2011

R.E.I.'s Outdoorsy Jewel Thief

I'm sure the neighborhood is thrilled to have a six foot four guy dressed like this regularly walking around after dark. Black gloves too. But, hey, it's enough for me to know that I'm a good person.

This is as straight as I can currently hold my head up, without excruciating pain. Another case of Thanksgiving-neck you're probably thinking. No. Pretty sure it was a shoulder exercise that I did incorrectly, despite Tony Horton's repeated demonstrations of correct P90X technique. Exacerbated by "sleeping wrong". Didn't Louis C.K. do a bit about that? #IntelligentDesign

I probably weighed 10 pounds lighter this time last year. I was 10 pounds heavier two years ago though. So there's that. #HeyLadies?

Handsomeness is a funny notion. Being handsome.

Speaking of jewel thieves...

Sunday, November 27, 2011

House Music (#2 of __)

Yo La Tengo
6 Albums (randomized)
96 songs
6.9 hours
Dialed it up using the Remote App on the iPhone. Easy to name check a song from wherever I am in the house.
Good music to have on for a full afternoon and evening. Read. Lied on the couch and played an iPhone game with muted football on the TV. Slipped into a Benadryl/smoke haze. Ate some oatmeal. Sundays, right?

I was late to the party on this band.

Because of this, I finally checked them out:
("It's just a twisted mass of black-frame glasses and ironic Girl Scouts T-shirts in there.")

And they played a recent episode of Comedy Bang Bang.

Friday, November 25, 2011


These leftovers have wandered into a tough neighborhood. About to get their asses kicked.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Thanksgiving Companions

Sad Dog

Happy Dog


House Music (#1 of __)

Otis - Jay-Z and Kanye West
Tell Me Something Good - Rufus & Chaka Khan
Evil Woman - Electric Light Orchestra
Lowdown - Boz Scaggs
No Church In the Wild - Jay-Z and Kanye West
The Rubberband Man - Spinners
Optimistic Moment - Jaydiohead
Flashing Lights - Kanye West
Compared to What - John Legend & The Roots
In the Music - The Roots
Who Is He (And What Is He to You)? - Bill Withers
The Preacher - Brother Ali
Across 110th Street - Bobby Womack
Sexx Laws - Beck
Gunpowder - Black Joe Lewis & The Honeybears
Cold Shoulder - Adele
Cold Sweat - James Brown & The Famous Flames
Valerie - Amy Winehouse
Use Me - Bill Withers
Who's Gonna Save My Soul - Gnarls Barkley

Loud. #BachelorGlory

Friday, November 18, 2011

"No birds."

-- As for the Stones, bassist Bill Wyman, accustomed to having groupies attend to his needs after every show, reportedly became severely depressed one night when the girls failed to show up. When someone asked him what the matter was, he despondently replied, "No birds."--

This quote has always stuck with me. There’s a bewildered earnestness to it.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Hard to Be Special



Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Breaking through the Apple-Brown-Betty-Ceiling

A friend's mother just posted this photo on Facebook. It’s a bundt cake that she made, along with the issue of Southern Living with that recipe.
Bundt Cake!
Southern Living!
This might be the purest, best "MeeMaw's-on-the-Facebook" moment I've ever witnessed.
Love it.

I hope she posted knowing her two daughters would cringe.
Knowing that she'd get Likes and positive comments from her peers. (Looks amazing!! ; That's gorgeous...........!!!!!!!)
Knowing those peers were all too worried about getting lectured by their own kids about their social media mannerisms to post their prized bundt cake photos.
I like to imagine my friend's mom (who is a delight) pressing Enter to send the post, sitting back in her chair, and whispering, "Boo-ya, muthafuckers."

It's such a fine looking bundt cake.

Lassitude Tableau (#2 of __)

Friday, November 11, 2011

Lassitude Tableau (#1 of __)

It wasn't until I got home that I realized "Basic" meant cheap, rather than unscented. So, not only did I go through the checkout at H.E.B. on Friday at 7PM, red-eyed, 5 o'clock shadow, no ring, automatic assumptions of divorce (too tall and handsome to have never married, "must not be his weekend to see the kids"), to purchase ice cream and toilet paper with an in-store coupon...already a sad, reassess-your-life-tableau...but also, the toilet paper, which I purchased right there in front of all those people, was discount toilet paper. And not a Hill-Country-Fare, I-just-need-toilet-paper-for-my-boat discount toilet paper. No, this was a Mercedes-C-class, can-no-longer-afford-nice-things, still-clinging-to-a-sad-pretense-based-on-brand-identity, nobody-is-fooled discount toilet paper.

Charmin Basic
Tagline: "Holds Up" (The minimum boast a toilet paper can make.)
I guess we'll just have to wait an see.

It also occurred to me on the short drive home that my car, which was named by a friend "The Iso-Griffith" (Me: "Sure. Drives like a glove."), which used to be named "Sedan" for its nondescript make, model and year, which is neither blue nor green nor gray on the outside, which is beige-ish but not beige on the inside, which has a dent on the passenger side, which has an out-of-state license plate because it's (slightly) cheaper register it in Kentucky through my dad's business, that car...well that's the car of a drifter-murderer. We're already in Texas, after all. And now with Daylight Savings Time, I get to make women in parking lots feel uncomfortable an hour earlier in the evenings.
I don't know. Maybe I'm over-thinking the whole basic consumables purchase process.

Wednesday, November 09, 2011

Post Apocalyptic Jobs I Can Do

  1. Traveling Charlatan (with idiot assistant)
  2. Maker of Awesome Mix Tapes for Gasoline Marauding in the Wasteland
  3. Penis-sheath-wearing Shaman (while Alka-Seltzer stockpile lasts)
  4. Bishop in the Fundamentalist Church of Steve Martin
  5. Handmaiden Therapist
  6. Star Wars Lore-keeper (original trilogy only)
  7. Miniature Schnauzer Hounds-master
  8. Dishwasher
  9. Misanthropic Hermit (easiest transition from pre-apocalypse)
  10. Mustache Rides (for 5 fresh rats)
  11. Keeper of the Last Copy of In Rainbows
  12. Royal Almond Taster (yep, that's still a job)
  13. Shakespearean Fool to the Overlord of the Barrens
  14. Mexican-Breakfast Forager
  15. Bringer of Nose-Milk from Children


Tuesday, November 08, 2011

Tonight, on Food-Guilt...

Hair of the Dog - Bacon wrapped beef frank, deep-fried with chili, cheddar cheese, a fried egg and Tabasco sauce.

Chili Cheese Corn Dog - Vienna beef corn dog, split open and filled with chili, cheese & diced onions

This is the best stoner-food option on all of Burnet. (Someone call High Times!)

Switching out migas for huevos rancheros to get cheese and calories out of my diet probably balances this once-a-month meal. (That's what I tell myself.) Discounted (the price, but not the shame) by a coupon. If I can eat this meal enough times, I just know I'll find love.

Tuesday, November 01, 2011

Best of Twitter - October 2011

  • 100% chance that any compact pickup truck with a camper top will be driven by a balding guy with a gray ponytail.
  • Mistook Icy Hot roll-on for deodorant, and suddenly, my morning became a hackneyed 80's sitcom bit.
  • I refuse to be happy again unless Fred Durst marries Kirsten Dunst and they have a son named Dwayne Durst-Dunst. #YourMoveDurst&Dunst
  • You do everything in your power not to appear creepy & then you get an American Girl catalog in the mail. #Macabre http://t.co/5gMy8h03
  • Hey, be honest. Does this misanthropy make me look fat?
  • If I was a father, I feel like I'd be really good at teaching my kids not to stare at goiters.
  • “Send in Weirdy Beardy.” - Every manager's call to a bullpen.
  • After winning the lottery, one of my eccentricities will be vacationing only in countries that allow chicken fighting.
  • No, no. I don't need a bat. I'm going to choke the candy out of this piƱata.
  • Go as President Garfield assassin, Charles Guiteau. Act hurt when no one gets it. Never reveal that actual costume is Passive Aggression.