Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Non Sequiturs - June 2009

  1. The opposite of "home state pride" is "Creation Museum".
  2. The opposite of "epiphany" is "huh?".
  3. The opposite of "Eagle Scout" is "online, virtual whittler".
  4. The opposite of "comfort food" is "turmoil secretion".
  5. The opposite of "smelling a pretty girl's hair" is "drinking Mercurochrome".
  6. The opposite of "flax seed bars" are "alcoholic beef squeezins".
This Was Said©
Perfectly sensible sentences uttered by me, now stripped of all context.
  1. He's a big promoter of various putties.
  2. I'm not fond of those short dresses that make women look like shuttlecocks.
  3. That's gayer than a Tony Award.
  4. My last name is a delicious, verbal tapas.
  5. I need to figure out a way to incorporate maple syrup into my life more often.
  6. Also, I'm really good at listening to Player's "Baby Come Back" on YouTube, three times in a row.
  7. When's a blimp ever saved anyone?

Accomplishments - June 2009

From my Google To Do List, lots of things I sort of thought about maybe doing and sometimes did.

June 2009
  1. Bill Withers
  2. No line art
  3. Comedy Death Ray
  4. junto
  5. truck ad - for sale sign for Focus
  6. Update to 3.0
  7. resole boots
  8. Download Pineapple
  9. Presta valve top
  10. HDMI
  11. Lava Lamp Bulb
  12. For sale sign
  13. Ricky Jay and His 52 Assistants
  14. Be ON more often

Friday, June 26, 2009


There is a truly awful smell emanating from the ceiling, one row over from me. It's a combination of poo-poo and corpse. I can only assume that someone on the late shift managed to secretly stow a feces-caked pair of size 64 tighty-whitey's above the ceiling tiles. I'm periodically sniffing a tin of cinnamon candy to get through the day. I may need to shave my head and burn my clothes when I get home tonight.

Free cake in the cafeteria, however.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Spoetry - Baby Come Back

Baby Come Back
You're a jerk.
You're a moron.
You are in total command.
That is your life.
But I will make you happy!
Don't be a fool!
Next time listen to what I say!
You won'f fail this time.
So, so sory.

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Spoetry #2

Amid the Viagra ads and Nigerian bank scams, I also receive spam emails of a more puzzling nature. EACH line below was the subject line of an email in my Spam folder. I arranged them into poems. Into Art. Feel your spirit soar.

Office Politics
I was your assistant.
You're in trouble.
Your co-worker fired.
You upset me.
Bring documents, please.
Read as fast as possible.
Report in written form.
Make sure of correctness of the decision.
Answer or I'll sue.

Monday, June 01, 2009

Non Sequiturs - May 2009

  1. The opposite of "patience" is TJ Shroat.
  2. The opposite of "faux-hawk" is "faux-comb-over".
  3. The opposite of "visceral experience" is "candied hope".
  4. The opposite of "drunken hobo" is "fastidious Webelos".
  5. The opposite of "lemon zester" is "radish malaiser".
  6. The opposite of "optimistic world view" is "pessimistic narcissism".
This Was Said©
Perfectly sensible sentences uttered by me, now stripped of all context.
  1. More ass hair than a Guantánamo Bay toilet seat.
  2. I don't want beer served in a Sizzler plastic cup.
  3. "Omelet" always looks like it's spelled wrong.
  4. I'm doing well. My glass is half-full...of mercury.
  5. I'm on my hands and knees, looking at a toilet bowl full of hubris.
  6. It's like drinking out of a Georgia mud puddle.
  7. St. Ramen is the patron saint of dying alone.