Friday, November 02, 2007
Ironically (see below), Play-Doh is made in China, so I've probably had my USDA recommended daily allotment of lead already.
"I punish people who have purchased virtual gold from Chinamen."
Friday, August 31, 2007
The scene shifts and we are now in a version of my back patio. One year old Lorenzo Shields, who can walk in the dream, drops his pants and poops in a terra cotta flower pot next to my back door. Older brother Leo again points and laughs. Parent Shields continue to do nothing.
At this point, I look up at the second story of the house (this version of my house had a second floor) and notice that one of the windows has a small round hole in it. Several ferrets are going in and out of the hole in the window. I grab a garden hose, hoping that spraying them with water will scare them away. Instead, the water forces them all inside.
As anyone knows, ferret infestation greatly lowers property values. I will not be hosting the Shields family ever again.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
As before, all items were observed at least three different times.
Pickle Jar – Sixty four ounce jar. Brought to work and left for days with only two and a half lonely dill spears floating in brine.
Batman Lunchbox – Specifically, a Batman the Animated Series lunchbox, not that bullshit, compromise Christian Bale nonsense.
Spilled Coffee – Someone put an almost full Styrofoam cup of coffee on the top shelf of the fridge and someone else, probably in the act of opening the door, caused the coffee to spill and cover the entire top two shelves. This mess remained for almost two weeks, as employees avoided putting food items on the effected shelves and instead crammed items into the remaining, untainted spaces. Kitty Genovese, all over again.
Humongous Salad Bowl – A huge plastic bowl with a prepackaged bag of lettuce sitting in the bottom like a kid trapped in a well. To my disappoint, I have yet to be on hand when the owner debags his/her healthy lunch, drenches it with a Costco-sized bottle of ranch dressing, tosses it with a huge set of wooden salad tongs, sits down at a table, wraps an arm around the giant bowl and pulls it in close, and finally, grimly eats while casting envious glances at others walking in from the parking lot with Sonic bags. Or so I like to imagine, anyway.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Initially, the only refrigerator in the building was a sliding glass door beverage display case, usually found in gas stations and convenience marts. Therefore, lunch choices were on display for all to see. They’ve since added three standard kitchen refrigerators. Killjoys.
Here are items I’ve seen multiple times in the fridge:
Hot Pockets – Microwaves are the most computer-y of cooking appliances and Hot Pockets (and their generic knockoffs) are the quintessential lazy, microwavable food. I’ve seen the same guy burn the roof of his mouth with a boiling Hot Pocket three times in three and a half weeks.
Leftover Pizza – No surprise here. However, rather than bringing the two or three pieces remaining from last night’s dinner in foil or in a sealable container, my coworkers bring them in the original, large pizza box and jam it into any available crevice.
Arby’s – Gamers are a frugal lot when it comes to anything without a chip or software. I’ve long held the theory that Arby’s has never made a sale to a non-coupon-presenting customer. Therefore, everyone making an Arby’s purchase is buying 4 sandwiches for $5 or 5 sandwiches for $7, or some other bulk purchase. Sandwiches 3 through 6 get eaten for lunch the next day.
Frappuccinos – Specifically, venti Frappuccinos. More specifically, the whip-cream-caked, napkin-wrapped, dirty-straw-sporting cup, with only the last inch of drink remaining.
Keep in mind, I’ve seen each of the proceeding items at least three times.
However, my favorite fridge encounter so far was my discovery last week of an open bag of Funyuns, sitting all alone on the top shelf of a recently installed Amana. As every Funyun connoisseur knows (and I’m sure I work at the company with the highest percentage of employees who are Funyun connoisseurs in Austin, and maybe all of Central Texas), the deep-fried, onion-flavored chip is best enjoyed after opening the bag to let them breath, then chilling them to perfection.
So anyway, I’m still looking for another job.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Original content on this blog?!? This will be an intermittent feature, hopefully ending almost as soon as it begins because of me getting a job. Hopefully.
A hipster in his late twenties is having a business meeting at the table adjacent to mine with a woman in her late sixties/early seventies. I can’t determine the nature of the business, though it appears the hipster is going to perform some sort of online marketing services for the woman. The woman is impeccably dressed and made up, the kind of woman who gets her hair “done”. The hipster is wearing a t-shirt embossed with this sentence: “I'm Getting Pretty Good At Masturbating”. Ah, professionalism. And somehow, I’m the one who’s unemployed.