Saturday, April 30, 2011

Tweets - Best of April 2011

  • Perpetually-shirtless-in-his-front-yard-65-year-old helps ensure that I'm never ranked among the top 5 neighborhood creeps.
  • First driveway-roaches of the year scuttled away from my headlights. I have a sweaty back at 10:15 p.m. Summertime has started.
  • Four-year-olds are the Jehovah's Witnesses of knock-knock jokes.
  • Can't believe Dallas Nite Club doesn't have a bicycle rack. Guys, come on.
  • Neck stiffness has me feeling more old-man than an oval, squeezey coin purse with a Lions Club logo. #MoreGarageYoga
  • If you're the FourSquare mayor of a 7-Eleven, don't bother trying to convince the police you aren't stoned when they pull you over.
  • Guy at grocery loudly into his phone: " Ain't got no Funions, man. No Funions." His only other item: giant bottle of Scope. #FridayNight
  • I can't go to a bar that incorporates poultry of any sort into its name or logo.
  • New York Times news alert email about who won The Masters. #StuffWhitePeopleLike
  • Never take investment advice from an overheard guy who mispronounces "analytical" and dresses like a Vietnamese poker player on TV.
  • Food show: Bachelors assemble creatively depressing meals. Tonight: Phil makes Ramen & peanuts with a side of sweatpants & despair.
  • I can never envy a handsome short man. It's like, "Yeah dude, but..."
  • When working from home, what's the earliest you can add vodka to your iced tea and not "have a problem"? 3:30? Asking for a friend.
  • When friends have interventions for me, I pretend I'm from the future, sent back to stop them & save the world. That always shuts them up.
  • Table of tense girls, all silently using their phones, none believing the others' charades of weighing better options for the evening.
  • “Aww, that ain't nothin' but a weak-ass, regular moon.” - guy who was really into supermoon last month
  • Your milchig is in my fleishig! Well your fleishig is in my milchig! Hey, this tastes like a violation of God's will!
  • “Lively up yourself” - What I say whenever I have a Rocky Balboa moment with a mirror.
  • Just yelled, "Quit it, dick!" at a grasshopper that flew into me a second time in my backyard.
  • Too many adults on my block are home during the day. Folks, we (you) can't all be artists. Well, time for 2nd nap.
  • Bicycling couples: "Hey, let's joylessly devote ourselves to a hobby with unflattering gear and come to hate each other over it."
  • What's the etiquette for telling the people seated at my favorite table that I hate them? Robert's Rules Of Order app isn't clear on this.
  • Satiated Satiated Hippos #GamesForDullChildren
  • When you know how to make a decent effigy, you never ever have to be lonely.
  • The birds that roost above my driveway have diets consisting entirely of chili, grapes and tar. Also, they are jerks.
  • Awesome Juxtaposition: Businessman gargle-coughs over a plate of Mexican food while Angry Birds theme plays on his phone.
  • “...but in a good way” has always been way too little, way too late.

Saturday, April 02, 2011

Tweets - Best of March 2011

  • 20th Century Villains: 1) Hitler 2) Stalin 3) Pete Rose 4) Inventor of the leaf-blower 5) Pol Pot. Still playing with the order.
  • NO, I WILL NOT LOWER MY VOICE. - Always fun to overhear in public when directed at not-me.
  • To Do: Remove all references to taxidermy, Pentecostalism and kung fu from Match.com profile. (Save for third date.)
  • Always in the back of my mind: "Yeah, but this manic phase won't last forever." Immediately followed by: "YES IT WILL!" #YayMania #Brains
  • I will never miss another opportunity to refer to money as "cabbage". If only I'd started earlier...#TimeValueOfCabbage
  • Never have a physical or personality trait that makes you dread interactions with precociously honest children.
  • Yoga is the wake held for the demise of your athletic life.
  • Hate waking to the realization that I wrote on my own face with marker. And a Hitler moustache? Again? Have to draw in the whole beard now.
  • No buyers for my fonts? Fine. Be left behind when Unabomber Manifesto MT, Histrionic Girl Serif & Fucttard Condensed blow up. #sxsw
  • Sometimes, when typing on my iPhone in public, I whisper, "This is where the magic happens." #sxsw
  • Dreamed David Bowie & I played with Hot Wheels, but he wasn't very into it. Then he got stuck in a water slide. #ZiggySchlitterbahn
  • A boy watched, with wide-eyed fascination, as I finished a bowl of salsa with a spoon. I just changed your life, kid.
  • To celebrate National Puppy Day, I Lennied an entire litter this morning. I won't be allowed to celebrate National Rabbit Day.
  • According to my search history in the Wikipedia app, I've looked up "Larry Fine" four different times. #BetterThanDrunkTexting
  • Every few months, I'll have a day in which I have absolutely NO desire to eat chips and salsa. Those are dark days. #SalsaMalaise
  • Guy watching fencing on his laptop next to me just shook his head in disgust. Someone's going to get a sissy glove slap challenge.
  • I don't have a lazy eye, but one just isn't an enthusiastic go-getter.
  • Just discovered a secret pocket in a jacket that I've been wearing for months. Suddenly, all things seem possible.
  • Hey, don't look at me like I just built a mashed-potato-Devil's-Tower on my plate.
  • Being excited for the start of baseball is like being excited for a 3000 mile road-trip with your parents who smoke.
Face Tattoos
  • When choosing a face tattoo, consider the effect it will have on juries during the inevitable penalty phases of your trials. #Pastels
  • Closing Life's Doors in calligraphy. #FaceTattoos
  • Great Decisions, Yo! in Helvetica. #FaceTattoos
  • Kanji character for "Great job, mom and dad". #FaceTattoos
  • CFO 4 Life in Mexican-pickup-truck font. #FaceTattoos
  • Word bubble on cheek with "I don't really want this job." #FaceTattoos
  • Methamphetamine molecular symbol with arrow pointing to mouth. #FaceTattoos
  • Of course you got your Queequeg, but harpoonery is not a growth industry, is it? #FaceTattoos
Motivating 4-Year-Olds for Sports
  • Son, you rarely see professional athletes show up with blue icing smeared on their faces. #Motivating4YearOldsForSports
  • You can't come out of the game because you have hiccups. #Motivating4YearOldsForSports
  • Chocolate milk was not the best choice of sideline beverage. #Motivating4YearOldsForSports
  • I know Paul Hornung smoked cigarettes in the huddle, but he was a grown man. #Motivating4YearOldsForSports
  • That is called streaking, and Uncle TJ is just trying to give you a full soccer experience. #Motivating4YearOldsForSports
  • You're all winners. (Except for most of you.) #Motivating4YearOldsForSports