Saturday, April 02, 2011

Tweets - Best of March 2011

  • 20th Century Villains: 1) Hitler 2) Stalin 3) Pete Rose 4) Inventor of the leaf-blower 5) Pol Pot. Still playing with the order.
  • NO, I WILL NOT LOWER MY VOICE. - Always fun to overhear in public when directed at not-me.
  • To Do: Remove all references to taxidermy, Pentecostalism and kung fu from profile. (Save for third date.)
  • Always in the back of my mind: "Yeah, but this manic phase won't last forever." Immediately followed by: "YES IT WILL!" #YayMania #Brains
  • I will never miss another opportunity to refer to money as "cabbage". If only I'd started earlier...#TimeValueOfCabbage
  • Never have a physical or personality trait that makes you dread interactions with precociously honest children.
  • Yoga is the wake held for the demise of your athletic life.
  • Hate waking to the realization that I wrote on my own face with marker. And a Hitler moustache? Again? Have to draw in the whole beard now.
  • No buyers for my fonts? Fine. Be left behind when Unabomber Manifesto MT, Histrionic Girl Serif & Fucttard Condensed blow up. #sxsw
  • Sometimes, when typing on my iPhone in public, I whisper, "This is where the magic happens." #sxsw
  • Dreamed David Bowie & I played with Hot Wheels, but he wasn't very into it. Then he got stuck in a water slide. #ZiggySchlitterbahn
  • A boy watched, with wide-eyed fascination, as I finished a bowl of salsa with a spoon. I just changed your life, kid.
  • To celebrate National Puppy Day, I Lennied an entire litter this morning. I won't be allowed to celebrate National Rabbit Day.
  • According to my search history in the Wikipedia app, I've looked up "Larry Fine" four different times. #BetterThanDrunkTexting
  • Every few months, I'll have a day in which I have absolutely NO desire to eat chips and salsa. Those are dark days. #SalsaMalaise
  • Guy watching fencing on his laptop next to me just shook his head in disgust. Someone's going to get a sissy glove slap challenge.
  • I don't have a lazy eye, but one just isn't an enthusiastic go-getter.
  • Just discovered a secret pocket in a jacket that I've been wearing for months. Suddenly, all things seem possible.
  • Hey, don't look at me like I just built a mashed-potato-Devil's-Tower on my plate.
  • Being excited for the start of baseball is like being excited for a 3000 mile road-trip with your parents who smoke.
Face Tattoos
  • When choosing a face tattoo, consider the effect it will have on juries during the inevitable penalty phases of your trials. #Pastels
  • Closing Life's Doors in calligraphy. #FaceTattoos
  • Great Decisions, Yo! in Helvetica. #FaceTattoos
  • Kanji character for "Great job, mom and dad". #FaceTattoos
  • CFO 4 Life in Mexican-pickup-truck font. #FaceTattoos
  • Word bubble on cheek with "I don't really want this job." #FaceTattoos
  • Methamphetamine molecular symbol with arrow pointing to mouth. #FaceTattoos
  • Of course you got your Queequeg, but harpoonery is not a growth industry, is it? #FaceTattoos
Motivating 4-Year-Olds for Sports
  • Son, you rarely see professional athletes show up with blue icing smeared on their faces. #Motivating4YearOldsForSports
  • You can't come out of the game because you have hiccups. #Motivating4YearOldsForSports
  • Chocolate milk was not the best choice of sideline beverage. #Motivating4YearOldsForSports
  • I know Paul Hornung smoked cigarettes in the huddle, but he was a grown man. #Motivating4YearOldsForSports
  • That is called streaking, and Uncle TJ is just trying to give you a full soccer experience. #Motivating4YearOldsForSports
  • You're all winners. (Except for most of you.) #Motivating4YearOldsForSports

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