Tweets - Best of March 2011

• 20th Century Villains: 1) Hitler 2) Stalin 3) Pete Rose 4) Inventor of the leaf-blower 5) Pol Pot. Still playing with the order.
• NO, I WILL NOT LOWER MY VOICE. - Always fun to overhear in public when directed at not-me.
• To Do: Remove all references to taxidermy, Pentecostalism and kung fu from Match.com profile. (Save for third date.)
• Always in the back of my mind: "Yeah, but this manic phase won't last forever." Immediately followed by: "YES IT WILL!" #YayMania #Brains
• I will never miss another opportunity to refer to money as "cabbage". If only I'd started earlier...#TimeValueOfCabbage
• Never have a physical or personality trait that makes you dread interactions with precociously honest children.
• Yoga is the wake held for the demise of your athletic life.
• Hate waking to the realization that I wrote on my own face with marker. And a Hitler moustache? Again? Have to draw in the whole beard now.
• No buyers for my fonts? Fine. Be left behind when Unabomber Manifesto MT, Histrionic Girl Serif & Fucttard Condensed blow up. #sxsw
• Sometimes, when typing on my iPhone in public, I whisper, "This is where the magic happens." #sxsw
• Dreamed David Bowie & I played with Hot Wheels, but he wasn't very into it. Then he got stuck in a water slide. #ZiggySchlitterbahn
• A boy watched, with wide-eyed fascination, as I finished a bowl of salsa with a spoon. I just changed your life, kid.
• To celebrate National Puppy Day, I Lennied an entire litter this morning. I won't be allowed to celebrate National Rabbit Day.
• According to my search history in the Wikipedia app, I've looked up "Larry Fine" four different times. #BetterThanDrunkTexting
• Every few months, I'll have a day in which I have absolutely NO desire to eat chips and salsa. Those are dark days. #SalsaMalaise
• Guy watching fencing on his laptop next to me just shook his head in disgust. Someone's going to get a sissy glove slap challenge.
• I don't have a lazy eye, but one just isn't an enthusiastic go-getter.
• Just discovered a secret pocket in a jacket that I've been wearing for months. Suddenly, all things seem possible.
• Hey, don't look at me like I just built a mashed-potato-Devil's-Tower on my plate.
• Being excited for the start of baseball is like being excited for a 3000 mile road-trip with your parents who smoke.

Face Tattoos

• When choosing a face tattoo, consider the effect it will have on juries during the inevitable penalty phases of your trials. #Pastels
• Closing Life's Doors in calligraphy. #FaceTattoos
• Great Decisions, Yo! in Helvetica. #FaceTattoos
• Kanji character for "Great job, mom and dad". #FaceTattoos
• CFO 4 Life in Mexican-pickup-truck font. #FaceTattoos
• Word bubble on cheek with "I don't really want this job." #FaceTattoos
• Methamphetamine molecular symbol with arrow pointing to mouth. #FaceTattoos
• Of course you got your Queequeg, but harpoonery is not a growth industry, is it? #FaceTattoos

Motivating 4-Year-Olds for Sports

• Son, you rarely see professional athletes show up with blue icing smeared on their faces. #Motivating4YearOldsForSports
• You can't come out of the game because you have hiccups. #Motivating4YearOldsForSports
• Chocolate milk was not the best choice of sideline beverage. #Motivating4YearOldsForSports
• I know Paul Hornung smoked cigarettes in the huddle, but he was a grown man. #Motivating4YearOldsForSports
• That is called streaking, and Uncle TJ is just trying to give you a full soccer experience. #Motivating4YearOldsForSports
• You're all winners. (Except for most of you.) #Motivating4YearOldsForSports