Tweets - February 2011

• #NewCareerIdea: Become known as the Led Zeppelin of _____. Doesn't matter what. Wear tighter clothes. Be awesome. $3k/cool utterance/action
• Power outage. I had to cut myself open and crawl inside to stay warm. (And I thought I smelled bad, on the outside.) #MCEscherrific
• You should bring in your succulents tonight. #LewdColdWeatherTips
• Put on ALL your mittens. #NonLewdColdWeatherTips
• Did you know Patagonia now makes a codpiece? Merino wool baselayer. Gore-Tex shell. Breathable. #LewdColdWeatherTips
• Since everyone else posted photos of their dogs in the snow, here's Eli. #ATXSnow http://yfrog.com/h3dm4gj
• Dreamt that every car on my street had 1 tire stolen & I couldn't come up with a good tweet about it. Also, childhood dog Sneaky was there.
• #BachelorGlory: Found a pair of jeans I didn't know I had and announced to no one, "Yep, more pants for me."
• #NewCareerIdea: Cold weather seminars for Texans. Mostly I yell "Stop being cold!" and "Soup!" and "Blankets!". $3000/attendee
• No one on this planet is more upset than me that iPhone's predictive speller gets "deviled", in deviled eggs, wrong. #2011Anxieties
• #BachelorGlory: You make me want to adhere to a slightly healthier diet. #AsGoodAPickupLineAsAny
• #BachelorGlory: Is that a piccolo in your pocket or are you just indifferent about seeing me? #Both
• If you don't tell your children about Paul Lynde, who will?
• If I am just a brain in a vat, man does this simulation have a lot of hangnails and poo. #Solipsilly
• Grape Ape played for the Yogi Yahooeys in the Laff-A-Lympics = One of many unwanted saved searches stored by my brain. #4amThoughts
• #NewCareerIdea: Confetti dry cleaning. On account of you having all that wet, stinky confetti. $3000/parade
• Angry phone-talking mom in minivan nearly ran me off the road. Listening to Kanye West at the time failed to make it feel hip or manly.
• My constantly running inner monologue would be easier to ignore if not for its genteel Mississippi drawl.
• Trapped inside marathon loop, separated from Cisco's by throngs of sinewy killjoys. Need to borrow helicopter, catapult or giant pogo stick.
• “Our team is named the Tiger-dolphins, that's cool, right TJ?” "That's very cool."
• If I see another play like that, it's Colombian soccer camp for all you. #FriggingOwnGoal http://yfrog.com/h4ohxycj
• Sometimes, I envy this mindset: "Once I get them giant tires on my truck, that's when things are REALLY going to start happening for me."
• Roy Scheider's character in the movie "2010" has a pool with live dolphins in his living room. Really nailed that aspect of life last year.
• Saturn is the giraffe of planets. #4amThoughts #TheCallsAreComingFromInsideMyBrain
• Stopped to watch two grackles fight over a roach on the sidewalk behind City Hall. Ham-fisted with the metaphor, don't you think, Nature?
• Radiohead makes driving around town feel cinematic and my character, played by Tim Olyphant or Tom Hardy, might do something horrible.
• Thinking about having invasive surgery to remove the part of my brain that knows there's an Alabama. - http://j.mp/gl9ITv
• #NewProductIdea: App called ChessTimer records how fast you come up with a clever retort while on social media. $3k/per self-aggrandizement
• Saw a Belarusian harlot, feral kid from Road Warrior & guy in a suit on crutches on E 6th. 15 shopping days left until #sxsw. #LoveThisTown
• Ah, man, these Tom's of Maine anti-depressants work about as well as their deodorant. Bummer. #StinkySadHippies
• I'm a far better dancer than ANY of you suspect. #4amThoughts
• Austin Chronicle - putting out 120 pages of passive aggression a week, just so I can read "News of the Weird" while eating a taco.
• Nothing like the self-esteem boost from having a freshly shaved back, am I right, ladies?
• A lot of you don't know that I also have an MFA in Physical Comedy. Like most tall men, I majored in Cleeseian Walk and Dance.
• Email from mom, unrelated to insomnia (until now): "Dreamed there were flies in your right nostril. Get fly strips to hang." #4amThoughts
• Wait, Olivia Newton-John isn't up for ANY awards? But she's the most breakfast-y actress we’ve ever had. #Oscars are a sham.
• Kirk Douglas has gotten Coen brothers character old. #Oscars
• Aaron Sorkin's acceptance speech sounds like it was written by Aaron Sorkin. #Oscars
• Helen Mirren played a Russian astronaut in "2010". The movie never established whether her character had living room dolphins. #Oscars
• My sabbatical playlist is so awesome, it makes me want to buy coke from Dirk Diggler & light firecrackers in the house. #ButNoJessiesGirl