Sunday, February 06, 2011

Tweets - January 2011

  • A black cat followed me for several blocks this morning. Bleak symbolism, 30 hours into the year. #PermissionToTreat2011AsHostile? #Granted
  • #NewCareerIdea: I phone you at the start of felt cowboy hat season, and again when it's time to switch to a straw cowboy hat. $3000/call
  • #BachelorGlory: Explained hummus to an elderly women at HEB. #I'mAHandsomeApproachableManOnMattersOfChickPeas #ToldHerItWasBeanDip
  • #NewCareerIdea: I can eat 50 eggs. $60/egg
  • #BachelorGlory: When I think of my career as an anthropological expedition, the title of the resulting book is "Fat, Germs and Steal".
  • #BachelorGlory: I don't think of my house as a bachelor pad, but I know it contains a lot more peanut debris than the homes of most women.
  • #BachelorGlory: My life path will result in me overhearing something like this: "That's my Uncle Weird-Gift. (He's not really my uncle.)"
  • #NewCareerIdea: I put on a tuxedo, come to your place of business, and class up the joint. $3000 gets you two hours of classy.
  • #BachelorGlory: Sometimes, salsa is so good, it makes my mouth hallucinate. #WeLiveInAGoldenAge #365DaysOfSalsa
  • #BachelorGlory: Burt Reynolds was 40 when he made Smokey and the Bandit. #INeedToStepThingsUp #StrangeBarometersOfSuccess
  • #BachelorGlory: Just avoided an awkward social encounter with a former acquaintance and felt a tremendous sense of accomplishment. #AimHigh
  • #BachelorGlory: @johnmcmcgrath declares this Cisco's visit his best ever. #WitnessToHistory #TheBackOfMyEyeballsAreSweating
  • #NewCareerIdea: Supplant Leslie and g-string bicycle guy as man-in-Austin-most-comfortable-with-his-body. $3000/Chamber of Commerce event
  • #BachelorGlory: Age 40 & living in Texas, I should be wearing a fishnet t-shirt and slapping Debra Winger around a trailer behind Gilley's.
  • #BachelorGlory: It's the triteness of "falling down while leaving a bar" that most upsets me. So I fell (slightly) upon entry. I'll be okay.
  • Serotonin is a lovely name for a girl.
  • ____ is a lovely name for a girl. ____ is as good a name as any for a boy. #GirlsGetBetterNames #LetsJustCallHimDumpTruck
  • #BachelorGlory: Okay Reggae, that's enough. We get it. You're really high and lonely. #YesIHateReggae #SignMyPetition
  • #BachelorGlory: I'm putting "foursquare Mayor of Cisco's" on my resume. At least as important as where I went to grad school.
  • #NewCareerIdea: Create homemade ID badge. Affix to belt. Swipe badge across door handles when entering public places/businesses. $3k/swipe
  • #BachelorGlory: Ladies, we talk about your shoes, but only when we hate them, which is more often than you realize. #FlatsAreNotSexy #Sorry
  • #BachelorGlory: Overheard college girls have never been funny. #CheckInAgainWhenYouTurn28
  • #BachelorGlory: The most bizarrely repellent trio in Austin just entered The Gaspipe. Made me say "Ugh" aloud. #What? #WhereDoYouBuyIncense?
  • #BachelorGlory: My paragon of manliness, Harrison Ford, was 40 when he made Blade Runner. #StrangeBarometersOfSuccess #KillMoreReplicants
  • #BachelorGlory: About to win a staring-into-the-abyss contest against a box of Popeye's chicken. Saturday night just got double-awesome.
  • #BachelorGlory: Said "mazal tov" to table of Hispanic college kids posing for photo at Cisco's. One responded "l'chayim". #Multiculturalism
  • Partial list of wireless networks currently within range of my laptop: Linksys Phil, Amigo, NoFeAr, HORSE DICK TEAM, Fruitcake, Chlamydia

No comments: