Monday, January 10, 2011

My Favorite Tweets of 2010

  • Classic Grift©: The New, New Fagshoes Varney
  • This Was Said©: I don't want to get too drum-circle with all this.
  • ThisWasSaid©: Nah, you don't want to spread your mother's ashes there. You'll end up with spreader's remorse.
  • The opposite of "bathtub meth" is "toilet tank hydroponics".
  • ClassicGrift©: Solipsistic One-card Monte
  • ThisWasSaid©: Yeah, that's my brand of charm. Suave quirkiness.
  • ClassicGrift©: Tall Shorty-Pants and the Less than Flattering Kerchief
  • ThisWasSaid©: It tasted like wet hippie and passive aggression.
  • A dog riding in a motorcycle side-car seems like a cliche until you see it in person. Surprisingly delightful.
  • ThisWasSaid©: Hey, I'm just living this stereotype temporarily...I know I don't belong here.
  • Mom just demonstrated the car-sick gene I inherited from her by puking in my yard after drive downtown. Dad and I laughed. Cruel-humor gene?
  • ClassicGrift©: Door-to-Door Popsicle Repairman
  • ThisWasSaid©: It's not a temper problem. It's a temper opportunity.
  • #BachelorGlory: I hope future cartoonists are able to convey my feelings of vague superiority with a graphic analogous to stink lines.
  • Trying to teach my 3 & 6 year old house guests about clever humor. Still finding fake mustaches around the house. Prop comics. Unacceptable.
  • Journey had a secretary named Boston. Boston had a secretary named Journey.
  • Everyone should be embarrassed by cycling apparel. Everyone.
  • #BachelorGlory: Bringing my hunting falcon to ACL now just seems like an embarrassing affectation.
  • #BachelorGlory: Hey complaining Austin natives, sorry we moved here and made your town more awesome.
  • #BachelorGlory: I thought there'd be more maniacal laughter on my part at this stage of life.
  • #BachelorGlory: Most frequently overheard conversation topic in bars and restaurants? Angrily retold tales of "that's not my job."
  • #BachelorGlory: That's sadder than a high school teacher forced to play donkey basketball during homecoming week.
  • #NewCareerIdea: I send you hilarious texts/IMs while you work. Turnkey humor solution. I start at $3000/week. #TheseFartJokesAreGoingToWaste
  • #BachelorGlory: Whenever I hear bad news, I like to yell "Too soon!", as if I'm sanctimoniously rejecting an inappropriate comedian.
  • Sometimes, when I'm at the end of a business call, I get the urge to whisper "I love you", right before I hang up. #MomentsOfAwkwardness
  • #BachelorGlory: Just overheard: ...well you can pretty much guarantee a used jet ski will come with a trailer. #HowDidIEndUpInAJetSkiBar

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