Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Grief Bacon

From a list of top words of 2011, "Kummerspeck" is a German term that literally translates to "grief bacon". It's English usage refers to excess weight gained from emotional overeating.

I'm coining "Langeweilespeck", or "boredom bacon", to refer to overeating as a result of nothing better to do with your evenings. P90x has prevented the weight gain, so far anyway.

Friggin' Germans.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

"Look what I found in my Advent calendar!"



I get this meal maybe twice a year. More would hard on my body. OT Special (a double bacon cheeseburger) with a fried egg, thick potato chips, and a Dr. Pepper. That's a top 5 all time meal. It's the American boyfriend of my Cisco's meal.

Speaking of tops, Casey Kasem's American Top 40: The '70s was on the radio at Dirty's, and Steely Dan's "Rikki Don't Lose That Number" was playing when I took this photo. Yep.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

House Music (#9 of __)




Little bit of disco night at the real Fortress of Shroatitude, but I'm not like changing my clothes for it or nothing.


House Music (#8 of __)



I also recommend Jen Kirkman telling the story of Abraham Lincoln (Will Ferrell) and Fredrick Douglass (Don Cheadle).

Thursday, December 15, 2011

House Music (#7 of __)

Portugal. The Man - In the Mountain in the Cloud
Dale Earnhardt Jr. Jr. - It's A Corporate World
Foster the People - Torches

Three of the year's best albums.


UPDATE
Paste named Dale Earnhardt Jr. Jr. as the Worst New Band Name of 2011. I hate all three of these bands' names. I would be embarrassed to say them to my mother.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

House Music (#6 of __)



I signed up for Hulu solely to watch new episodes of Community. To love this show is to know my sense-of-humor-secret-handshake. One of them, anyway.

Monday, December 05, 2011

Lassitude Tableau (#3 of __) - Digital Edition

And yet, none in the Dryer family of sounds have been able to supplant Rain - Porch as my preferred soporific, ambient noise.

Which of these is best for dying alone?


Sunday, December 04, 2011

House Music (#5 of __)

File:The Black Keys El Camino Album Cover.jpg

This became amazing on the third time through. Wish they'd played "Little Black Submarines" on SNL. I'm about to dig into The Black Keys' back catalog. (archaic prison phrase)

---

Odenkirk anger is always funny to me.

House Music (#4 of __)


3 albums
33 songs
2.1 hours
St. Vincent gets under my skin. I've been playing her (their?) newest album even more than Wilco's over the last three months. High praise indeed.

Thursday, December 01, 2011

Best of Twitter - November 2011

  • Does anyone already get Mexican Popsicle Aficionado magazine? Feel like I won't get value from a full year subscription.
  • Coffee-shop-based work allows me to have colleagues like the woman who just entered with part of a headboard & a container of grits. #MBA
  • Friends didn't set their kitchen clock back, then used it to run a bedtime scam on their 3 kids. Passing that info along to Kidz Wikileaks.
  • Maker of Awesome Mix Tapes for Gasoline Marauding in the Wasteland #PostApocalypticJobsICanDo
  • Bishop in the Fundamentalist Church of Steve Martin #PostApocalypticJobsICanDo
  • Post Apocalyptic Jobs I Can Do - http://t.co/8C6GdcZ5 - #PostApocalypticJobsICanDo
  • Pity the hipster who has to enunciate: "I'm in a The National cover band."
  • If I get hit by a bus tomorrow, the leading contender for my gravestone epitaph: "He never responded to a crisis by growing a ponytail."
  • The "Linoleum-tooth Lonnie Takes a Wife" #ClassicGrift
  • Quinoa and lentils for dinner, alone, at home. This must be what it feels like to own a Prius.
  • Teaching 8 year old how to play 20 questions. Her 1st question: "Is it lovely?"
  • “Would a peanut dilettante put already roasted peanuts in the oven for additional roasting?” - not as debonair when I said it out loud
  • No one at this Walmart seems to want to talk about Benjamin Banneker, Harriet Tubman or Langston Hughes. #BlackHistoryFriday
  • Once asked by a 4 y.o. which I liked better, orange juice or Batman. Started to give lecture on false dichotomies, then settled on Batman.
  • I remember when we didn't have to dig up a bunch of mistresses to stop ourselves from nominating a black guy. - some old Republican
  • I'm still convinced that 85% of the bicycling in this town is affectation-based. #FestoonedWithFauxSponsors

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

House Music (#3 of __)


Saw Kyle Kinane at Mohawk in early April, during Austin Comedy Week, which is a thing it seems like I should have known about before it was at hand. Best set I'll see this year.

---

Later tonight will mark my fourth or fifth attempt to get to the end of The Last Emperor. I saw it in college, but have had it mixed up in my head with Seven Years in Tibet and Kundun, what with all the bald Asian boys in funny hats and weird horn music. I think I've made it to the final half hour. Period pieces make a fine soporific, notwithstanding sudden train whistles.

Monday, November 28, 2011

R.E.I.'s Outdoorsy Jewel Thief

I'm sure the neighborhood is thrilled to have a six foot four guy dressed like this regularly walking around after dark. Black gloves too. But, hey, it's enough for me to know that I'm a good person.

This is as straight as I can currently hold my head up, without excruciating pain. Another case of Thanksgiving-neck you're probably thinking. No. Pretty sure it was a shoulder exercise that I did incorrectly, despite Tony Horton's repeated demonstrations of correct P90X technique. Exacerbated by "sleeping wrong". Didn't Louis C.K. do a bit about that? #IntelligentDesign

I probably weighed 10 pounds lighter this time last year. I was 10 pounds heavier two years ago though. So there's that. #HeyLadies?

Handsomeness is a funny notion. Being handsome.



UPDATE
Speaking of jewel thieves...

Sunday, November 27, 2011

House Music (#2 of __)

Yo La Tengo
6 Albums (randomized)
96 songs
6.9 hours
Dialed it up using the Remote App on the iPhone. Easy to name check a song from wherever I am in the house.
Good music to have on for a full afternoon and evening. Read. Lied on the couch and played an iPhone game with muted football on the TV. Slipped into a Benadryl/smoke haze. Ate some oatmeal. Sundays, right?

I was late to the party on this band.

Because of this, I finally checked them out:
("It's just a twisted mass of black-frame glasses and ironic Girl Scouts T-shirts in there.")

And they played a recent episode of Comedy Bang Bang.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Leftovers


These leftovers have wandered into a tough neighborhood. About to get their asses kicked.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Thanksgiving Companions

Sad Dog



Happy Dog



Princesses

House Music (#1 of __)

Otis - Jay-Z and Kanye West
Tell Me Something Good - Rufus & Chaka Khan
Evil Woman - Electric Light Orchestra
Lowdown - Boz Scaggs
No Church In the Wild - Jay-Z and Kanye West
The Rubberband Man - Spinners
Optimistic Moment - Jaydiohead
Flashing Lights - Kanye West
Compared to What - John Legend & The Roots
In the Music - The Roots
Who Is He (And What Is He to You)? - Bill Withers
The Preacher - Brother Ali
Across 110th Street - Bobby Womack
Sexx Laws - Beck
Gunpowder - Black Joe Lewis & The Honeybears
Cold Shoulder - Adele
Cold Sweat - James Brown & The Famous Flames
Valerie - Amy Winehouse
Use Me - Bill Withers
Who's Gonna Save My Soul - Gnarls Barkley

Loud. #BachelorGlory

Friday, November 18, 2011

"No birds."

-- As for the Stones, bassist Bill Wyman, accustomed to having groupies attend to his needs after every show, reportedly became severely depressed one night when the girls failed to show up. When someone asked him what the matter was, he despondently replied, "No birds."--

This quote has always stuck with me. There’s a bewildered earnestness to it.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Hard to Be Special

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-15391515


"7-7-8-6-3-6-3-7-7-2-4! THAT IS YOUR PERSON-TO-HAVE-LIVED-SINCE-HISTORY-BEGAN NUMBER! IT WILL NOT BE REPEATED! FORGET TO INCLUDE YOUR PERSON-TO-HAVE-LIVED-SINCE-HISTORY-BEGAN NUMBER...AND THEY DOCK YA!


Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Breaking through the Apple-Brown-Betty-Ceiling


A friend's mother just posted this photo on Facebook. It’s a bundt cake that she made, along with the issue of Southern Living with that recipe.
Bundt Cake!
Southern Living!
This might be the purest, best "MeeMaw's-on-the-Facebook" moment I've ever witnessed.
Love it.

I hope she posted knowing her two daughters would cringe.
Knowing that she'd get Likes and positive comments from her peers. (Looks amazing!! ; That's gorgeous...........!!!!!!!)
Knowing those peers were all too worried about getting lectured by their own kids about their social media mannerisms to post their prized bundt cake photos.
I like to imagine my friend's mom (who is a delight) pressing Enter to send the post, sitting back in her chair, and whispering, "Boo-ya, muthafuckers."

It's such a fine looking bundt cake.

Lassitude Tableau (#2 of __)



Friday, November 11, 2011

Lassitude Tableau (#1 of __)



It wasn't until I got home that I realized "Basic" meant cheap, rather than unscented. So, not only did I go through the checkout at H.E.B. on Friday at 7PM, red-eyed, 5 o'clock shadow, no ring, automatic assumptions of divorce (too tall and handsome to have never married, "must not be his weekend to see the kids"), to purchase ice cream and toilet paper with an in-store coupon...already a sad, reassess-your-life-tableau...but also, the toilet paper, which I purchased right there in front of all those people, was discount toilet paper. And not a Hill-Country-Fare, I-just-need-toilet-paper-for-my-boat discount toilet paper. No, this was a Mercedes-C-class, can-no-longer-afford-nice-things, still-clinging-to-a-sad-pretense-based-on-brand-identity, nobody-is-fooled discount toilet paper.

Charmin Basic
Tagline: "Holds Up" (The minimum boast a toilet paper can make.)
I guess we'll just have to wait an see.

It also occurred to me on the short drive home that my car, which was named by a friend "The Iso-Griffith" (Me: "Sure. Drives like a glove."), which used to be named "Sedan" for its nondescript make, model and year, which is neither blue nor green nor gray on the outside, which is beige-ish but not beige on the inside, which has a dent on the passenger side, which has an out-of-state license plate because it's (slightly) cheaper register it in Kentucky through my dad's business, that car...well that's the car of a drifter-murderer. We're already in Texas, after all. And now with Daylight Savings Time, I get to make women in parking lots feel uncomfortable an hour earlier in the evenings.
...
...
...
I don't know. Maybe I'm over-thinking the whole basic consumables purchase process.

Wednesday, November 09, 2011

Post Apocalyptic Jobs I Can Do

  1. Traveling Charlatan (with idiot assistant)
  2. Maker of Awesome Mix Tapes for Gasoline Marauding in the Wasteland
  3. Penis-sheath-wearing Shaman (while Alka-Seltzer stockpile lasts)
  4. Bishop in the Fundamentalist Church of Steve Martin
  5. Handmaiden Therapist
  6. Star Wars Lore-keeper (original trilogy only)
  7. Miniature Schnauzer Hounds-master
  8. Dishwasher
  9. Misanthropic Hermit (easiest transition from pre-apocalypse)
  10. Mustache Rides (for 5 fresh rats)
  11. Keeper of the Last Copy of In Rainbows
  12. Royal Almond Taster (yep, that's still a job)
  13. Shakespearean Fool to the Overlord of the Barrens
  14. Mexican-Breakfast Forager
  15. Bringer of Nose-Milk from Children

#PostApocalypticJobsICanDo

Tuesday, November 08, 2011

Tonight, on Food-Guilt...


Hair of the Dog - Bacon wrapped beef frank, deep-fried with chili, cheddar cheese, a fried egg and Tabasco sauce.

Chili Cheese Corn Dog - Vienna beef corn dog, split open and filled with chili, cheese & diced onions

This is the best stoner-food option on all of Burnet. (Someone call High Times!)

Switching out migas for huevos rancheros to get cheese and calories out of my diet probably balances this once-a-month meal. (That's what I tell myself.) Discounted (the price, but not the shame) by a coupon. If I can eat this meal enough times, I just know I'll find love.

Tuesday, November 01, 2011

Best of Twitter - October 2011

  • 100% chance that any compact pickup truck with a camper top will be driven by a balding guy with a gray ponytail.
  • Mistook Icy Hot roll-on for deodorant, and suddenly, my morning became a hackneyed 80's sitcom bit.
  • I refuse to be happy again unless Fred Durst marries Kirsten Dunst and they have a son named Dwayne Durst-Dunst. #YourMoveDurst&Dunst
  • You do everything in your power not to appear creepy & then you get an American Girl catalog in the mail. #Macabre http://t.co/5gMy8h03
  • Hey, be honest. Does this misanthropy make me look fat?
  • If I was a father, I feel like I'd be really good at teaching my kids not to stare at goiters.
  • “Send in Weirdy Beardy.” - Every manager's call to a bullpen.
  • After winning the lottery, one of my eccentricities will be vacationing only in countries that allow chicken fighting.
  • No, no. I don't need a bat. I'm going to choke the candy out of this piƱata.
  • Go as President Garfield assassin, Charles Guiteau. Act hurt when no one gets it. Never reveal that actual costume is Passive Aggression.

Tuesday, October 04, 2011

Tweets - Best of September 2011


  • I'm a total Willona. #PeopleThatSelfIdentifyAsGoodTimesCharacters
  • Windy outdoor breakfast. 5 yr old Lucy casually pulled a pinwheel from her pink backpack and suddenly, the morning was full of possibility.
  • Life is too short to do anything solely for the irony. - every hipster's eventual, but too late epiphany
  • ‘bout time I bought me some of them red & white striped Richard Simmons shorts. See how that goes before I get the perm.
  • And when Alexander saw the breadth of his domain he wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer. #HansGruber #DieHard http://t.co/lPmHekx
  • I wouldn't say I have a lot of gray hair, but probably enough for you to be able to work out your daddy issues.
  • I should have married the heiress to a red-plastic-cup-at-Mexican-restaurant magnate.
  • Wait, shouldn't there be only one set of footprints right now because a supernatural entity is carrying me? #DragMarks
  • Please don't make me have to be the one that starts the Facebook fan page for Scarlett Johansson's naked butt photo.
  • Ready for a feel-good movie about music & love on the Netflix, kids? It's called Sid & Nancy. #UncleTJsPoorlyConceivedSlumberPartyFor7YrOlds
  • Had that dream again where me and a cheerleader buy pot cornbread from a guy with a bunch of old-timey fire engines. ACL, amiright?
  • If I could just find the right women's prison movie on Netflix, tonight (and life) would be perfect. I'm a bit of an aesthete, you see.
  • Can't say that I'm always thrilled with life, but at least I'll never carry a cardboard "D" and fence silhouette into a stadium. #Ladies?
  • Somewhere in the South, there's a guy who used to go by R.T., now bitterly responding to "Ole' Retweet".
  • MacArthur Foundation Genius Awards. Once again, failing to recognize my vital work in the field of swell-guyness. http://t.co/ERrLPFHR
  • Popcorn: Great as a food noun. Disgusting as a food adjective.
  • Noticed for the 1st time that my street appears in several shots of Dazed and Confused. Property value jumped 15% & I have the munchies.
  • I've found that the easiest way to get rid of solicitors is to answer the door wearing goggles and holding a toilet brush.
  • Parents: Stop correcting your kids for staring at the obese in public. It's the appropriate reaction to a carnival of sorts.
  • Last 100 degree day of the year predicted. Time to replace my white Speedos with blue jean short-shorts.

Friday, September 02, 2011

Tweets - Best of August 2011


  • Wait, Lowly Worm wasn't an under-employed knowledge worker who occasionally tweeted? I'm going to stop wearing this fez. http://t.co/xWTjxz5
  • To anyone who's ever said, "I'm a grown-ass man/woman.": No, you're not.
  • This has been a summer of Austin, TX saying, "You knew this about me when you married me."
  • Children allowed to use baby-talk are 90% more likely to one day have their own kids mauled by illegal, exotic pets. #FactsIKnow
  • Watched "Tree of Life" matinee with 10 old ladies. Bought a corn-dog with a coupon. Modeled for cover of Modern Bachelor.
  • Now is the time of day when I drink a bunch of iced tea and get depressed about not participating in more class action lawsuits.
  • Incredulous 'bout Vegetable Oil Spreads #AlternativeNamesForICantBelieveItsNotButter
  • Still waiting for life to toss Mean Joe Greene's jersey to me.
  • Been losing weight since I started doing Pontius pilates but worried it's not good for my soul.
  • 5-year-old boys can only take so much fun and laughter before needing to throw a punch out of happiness. All sucker-punches.
  • If toes could detach from the foot, they'd already have suffocated themselves in an abandoned refrigerator. #ToesAreStupid
  • Right side, roast-beef-having-toe scored 1150 on the SAT. I mean, come on. #ToesAreStupid
  • I should have a lot more "Is everything to your satisfaction, Mr. Shroat?" in my life.
  • Dreamed that I showed up, to a tense reunion with a past love, dressed like a Cub Scout. Chicks dig Webelos, am I right?

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

Tweets - Best of July 2011

  • Rinsed a cracker in the sink and ate it after dropping it in a soapy puddle on the counter. And just like that, a new low.
  • Microwaving frozen falafel patties at 10 p.m.; just as I imagined my adult life when reading stolen Playboys 30 years ago.
  • New York Times news alert email about who won Wimbledon. #StuffWhitePeopleLike
  • So handsome today, I can't lean against railing without someone yelling "Show-off!" #Handsome
  • My attempts to get everyone to refer to me as "El Jefe" have failed to gain traction. Stop being a jerk about this, Mom.
  • Unfortunately for The Lullaby League, they opened for a crowd that was clearly there to see The Lollipop Guild.
  • The microwave bean burrito is the bologna sandwich of vegan fare.
  • #NativeKentuckianFunFact: We all smell like a delightful, subtle blend of boubon, bacon, cigar, mowed grass and urine. #KeenelandCologne
  • Big-box stores are the Debra Winger of Craigslist Missed Connection locations.
  • It was my understanding that... = I am wrong. I could not be more wrong.
  • What's the time? "It's time to eat a bunch of peanuts!" = My house-DJ's call-and-response.
  • Template of my dreams (pick 3 or more): tornado + dog I have known + grandparent + place I've lived + mundane task made impossible
  • Life sure does have me vacuuming dead roly polies a lot more than I thought it would at this stage.
  • I have the appetite and classic eating prowess of a Civil War general. #OrSomething
  • Remember when men would dress classy for air travel and wear a coat and tie with their sweatpants & flip-flops?

Friday, July 01, 2011

Tweets - Best of June 2011

  • I want women to look at me and think, "Damn, he looks like he could have stepped out of a late-70s perfume commercial." #handsome
  • Ennui is the cumin of life.
  • Shared moment of solidarity with 80ish Mexican man when we both flinched at horrible, whinnying laugh of nearby awful woman. #WeAreTheWorld
  • I wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating crackers but I would kick her out of bed for having a bunch of throwing stars. #Standards
  • The world of the idiot is filled with mystery and wonder.
  • If a meteor hits this Rush show, Austin will be deprived of most of its 40ish mild-Aspergery guys. You'll miss 25% of us. I mean them.
  • By his mid-30s, the Aspergery Rush fan has learned to keep his air-drumming at waist level.
  • Sometimes, I worry my career in parkour is over before it really began.
  • Austin summer is a long, intense Bikram yoga class. I'm not very good at it but I'm pretty sure the instructor has a thing for me.
  • I'm not so much a thought-leader as I am a hunch-leader. But definitely put all your money in molybdenum and veal cutlets.
  • A good thing about not being a father is knowing I'll never send a tweet about golf or baseball. #CosbySweaters
  • On the other hand, I guess it would be nice to have someone to annually watch the Great Santini with me.
  • Bulk Trash Day: A berg of our crazy breaks off & floats out to the curb. "He's throwin' out 13 mop handles? WTF goes on in there?"
  • Just overheard the apocryphal "His dad invented the ketchup packet" explanation of wealth. #PacketMagnates
  • Dear General Public: Most of you have disgusting feet. I suggest socks, double footectomies, or just staying at home. #HadMineBronzed
  • Now's the time of night when I eat a whole bunch of roasted peanuts. #MagicHour
  • Why yes, earnest 20-something. I would love to see your laminated sheet & be made to feel guilty as cool air escapes my open front door.

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

Tweets - Best of May 2011

  • Crappy frozen burrito instructions: bake for 40 minutes OR microwave for 40 seconds. Truly, a culinary Sophie's choice.
  • Yo mama so fat, she fast-forwards her VHS of "Woodstock" to the Sha Na Na performance. #Yeah #Fat
  • Turns out, it's NOT a tradition to tickle Mexicans and demand their pots of gold. I've been doing Cinco de Mayo wrong for years.
  • Was thinking about going out tonight, but then I thought, them angry birds ain't gonna sling themselves.
  • Yo mama so fat, she has to use the hashtag #blorp in all her Tweets.
  • Nothing in the universe is more passive aggressive than the "we need more cashiers" PA announcement at an independent bookstore.
  • 1) File a joint tax return. 2) Visit Canada. 3) Win some tickets by being the tenth caller. #SadBucketList
  • Ironically, I end up being the first and only Notre Dame graduate to ever get into heaven. #EmbarrassingForMeToo #Rapture
  • Reuniting with ALL your dead dogs in heaven? That's going to be awkward for them. #LetTheHumpingBegin #Rapturee
  • FYI Left-Behinders: I've been "leaving behind" upper-deckers all over town. Enjoy. #Rapture
  • Soooo, I guess no more Riddick movies, huh? #AwkardnessWithVinDieselInHeaven #Rapture
  • Your "9-11 Was An Inside Job" bumper sticker tells me your personal life is a bewildering mess.
  • Feel kind of sick after eating a banana. Hope I haven't become bananatose intolerant.
  • Woke up with the certainty that I am a goddamn treasure. #MorningWoodOfThePsyche

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Tweets - Best of April 2011

  • Perpetually-shirtless-in-his-front-yard-65-year-old helps ensure that I'm never ranked among the top 5 neighborhood creeps.
  • First driveway-roaches of the year scuttled away from my headlights. I have a sweaty back at 10:15 p.m. Summertime has started.
  • Four-year-olds are the Jehovah's Witnesses of knock-knock jokes.
  • Can't believe Dallas Nite Club doesn't have a bicycle rack. Guys, come on.
  • Neck stiffness has me feeling more old-man than an oval, squeezey coin purse with a Lions Club logo. #MoreGarageYoga
  • If you're the FourSquare mayor of a 7-Eleven, don't bother trying to convince the police you aren't stoned when they pull you over.
  • Guy at grocery loudly into his phone: " Ain't got no Funions, man. No Funions." His only other item: giant bottle of Scope. #FridayNight
  • I can't go to a bar that incorporates poultry of any sort into its name or logo.
  • New York Times news alert email about who won The Masters. #StuffWhitePeopleLike
  • Never take investment advice from an overheard guy who mispronounces "analytical" and dresses like a Vietnamese poker player on TV.
  • Food show: Bachelors assemble creatively depressing meals. Tonight: Phil makes Ramen & peanuts with a side of sweatpants & despair.
  • I can never envy a handsome short man. It's like, "Yeah dude, but..."
  • When working from home, what's the earliest you can add vodka to your iced tea and not "have a problem"? 3:30? Asking for a friend.
  • When friends have interventions for me, I pretend I'm from the future, sent back to stop them & save the world. That always shuts them up.
  • Table of tense girls, all silently using their phones, none believing the others' charades of weighing better options for the evening.
  • “Aww, that ain't nothin' but a weak-ass, regular moon.” - guy who was really into supermoon last month
  • Your milchig is in my fleishig! Well your fleishig is in my milchig! Hey, this tastes like a violation of God's will!
  • “Lively up yourself” - What I say whenever I have a Rocky Balboa moment with a mirror.
  • Just yelled, "Quit it, dick!" at a grasshopper that flew into me a second time in my backyard.
  • Too many adults on my block are home during the day. Folks, we (you) can't all be artists. Well, time for 2nd nap.
  • Bicycling couples: "Hey, let's joylessly devote ourselves to a hobby with unflattering gear and come to hate each other over it."
  • What's the etiquette for telling the people seated at my favorite table that I hate them? Robert's Rules Of Order app isn't clear on this.
  • Satiated Satiated Hippos #GamesForDullChildren
  • When you know how to make a decent effigy, you never ever have to be lonely.
  • The birds that roost above my driveway have diets consisting entirely of chili, grapes and tar. Also, they are jerks.
  • Awesome Juxtaposition: Businessman gargle-coughs over a plate of Mexican food while Angry Birds theme plays on his phone.
  • “...but in a good way” has always been way too little, way too late.

Saturday, April 02, 2011

Tweets - Best of March 2011

  • 20th Century Villains: 1) Hitler 2) Stalin 3) Pete Rose 4) Inventor of the leaf-blower 5) Pol Pot. Still playing with the order.
  • NO, I WILL NOT LOWER MY VOICE. - Always fun to overhear in public when directed at not-me.
  • To Do: Remove all references to taxidermy, Pentecostalism and kung fu from Match.com profile. (Save for third date.)
  • Always in the back of my mind: "Yeah, but this manic phase won't last forever." Immediately followed by: "YES IT WILL!" #YayMania #Brains
  • I will never miss another opportunity to refer to money as "cabbage". If only I'd started earlier...#TimeValueOfCabbage
  • Never have a physical or personality trait that makes you dread interactions with precociously honest children.
  • Yoga is the wake held for the demise of your athletic life.
  • Hate waking to the realization that I wrote on my own face with marker. And a Hitler moustache? Again? Have to draw in the whole beard now.
  • No buyers for my fonts? Fine. Be left behind when Unabomber Manifesto MT, Histrionic Girl Serif & Fucttard Condensed blow up. #sxsw
  • Sometimes, when typing on my iPhone in public, I whisper, "This is where the magic happens." #sxsw
  • Dreamed David Bowie & I played with Hot Wheels, but he wasn't very into it. Then he got stuck in a water slide. #ZiggySchlitterbahn
  • A boy watched, with wide-eyed fascination, as I finished a bowl of salsa with a spoon. I just changed your life, kid.
  • To celebrate National Puppy Day, I Lennied an entire litter this morning. I won't be allowed to celebrate National Rabbit Day.
  • According to my search history in the Wikipedia app, I've looked up "Larry Fine" four different times. #BetterThanDrunkTexting
  • Every few months, I'll have a day in which I have absolutely NO desire to eat chips and salsa. Those are dark days. #SalsaMalaise
  • Guy watching fencing on his laptop next to me just shook his head in disgust. Someone's going to get a sissy glove slap challenge.
  • I don't have a lazy eye, but one just isn't an enthusiastic go-getter.
  • Just discovered a secret pocket in a jacket that I've been wearing for months. Suddenly, all things seem possible.
  • Hey, don't look at me like I just built a mashed-potato-Devil's-Tower on my plate.
  • Being excited for the start of baseball is like being excited for a 3000 mile road-trip with your parents who smoke.
Face Tattoos
  • When choosing a face tattoo, consider the effect it will have on juries during the inevitable penalty phases of your trials. #Pastels
  • Closing Life's Doors in calligraphy. #FaceTattoos
  • Great Decisions, Yo! in Helvetica. #FaceTattoos
  • Kanji character for "Great job, mom and dad". #FaceTattoos
  • CFO 4 Life in Mexican-pickup-truck font. #FaceTattoos
  • Word bubble on cheek with "I don't really want this job." #FaceTattoos
  • Methamphetamine molecular symbol with arrow pointing to mouth. #FaceTattoos
  • Of course you got your Queequeg, but harpoonery is not a growth industry, is it? #FaceTattoos
Motivating 4-Year-Olds for Sports
  • Son, you rarely see professional athletes show up with blue icing smeared on their faces. #Motivating4YearOldsForSports
  • You can't come out of the game because you have hiccups. #Motivating4YearOldsForSports
  • Chocolate milk was not the best choice of sideline beverage. #Motivating4YearOldsForSports
  • I know Paul Hornung smoked cigarettes in the huddle, but he was a grown man. #Motivating4YearOldsForSports
  • That is called streaking, and Uncle TJ is just trying to give you a full soccer experience. #Motivating4YearOldsForSports
  • You're all winners. (Except for most of you.) #Motivating4YearOldsForSports

Tuesday, March 01, 2011

Tweets - February 2011

  • #NewCareerIdea: Become known as the Led Zeppelin of _____. Doesn't matter what. Wear tighter clothes. Be awesome. $3k/cool utterance/action
  • Power outage. I had to cut myself open and crawl inside to stay warm. (And I thought I smelled bad, on the outside.) #MCEscherrific
  • You should bring in your succulents tonight. #LewdColdWeatherTips
  • Put on ALL your mittens. #NonLewdColdWeatherTips
  • Did you know Patagonia now makes a codpiece? Merino wool baselayer. Gore-Tex shell. Breathable. #LewdColdWeatherTips
  • Since everyone else posted photos of their dogs in the snow, here's Eli. #ATXSnow http://yfrog.com/h3dm4gj
  • Dreamt that every car on my street had 1 tire stolen & I couldn't come up with a good tweet about it. Also, childhood dog Sneaky was there.
  • #BachelorGlory: Found a pair of jeans I didn't know I had and announced to no one, "Yep, more pants for me."
  • #NewCareerIdea: Cold weather seminars for Texans. Mostly I yell "Stop being cold!" and "Soup!" and "Blankets!". $3000/attendee
  • No one on this planet is more upset than me that iPhone's predictive speller gets "deviled", in deviled eggs, wrong. #2011Anxieties
  • #BachelorGlory: You make me want to adhere to a slightly healthier diet. #AsGoodAPickupLineAsAny
  • #BachelorGlory: Is that a piccolo in your pocket or are you just indifferent about seeing me? #Both
  • If you don't tell your children about Paul Lynde, who will?
  • If I am just a brain in a vat, man does this simulation have a lot of hangnails and poo. #Solipsilly
  • Grape Ape played for the Yogi Yahooeys in the Laff-A-Lympics = One of many unwanted saved searches stored by my brain. #4amThoughts
  • #NewCareerIdea: Confetti dry cleaning. On account of you having all that wet, stinky confetti. $3000/parade
  • Angry phone-talking mom in minivan nearly ran me off the road. Listening to Kanye West at the time failed to make it feel hip or manly.
  • My constantly running inner monologue would be easier to ignore if not for its genteel Mississippi drawl.
  • Trapped inside marathon loop, separated from Cisco's by throngs of sinewy killjoys. Need to borrow helicopter, catapult or giant pogo stick.
  • “Our team is named the Tiger-dolphins, that's cool, right TJ?” "That's very cool."
  • If I see another play like that, it's Colombian soccer camp for all you. #FriggingOwnGoal http://yfrog.com/h4ohxycj
  • Sometimes, I envy this mindset: "Once I get them giant tires on my truck, that's when things are REALLY going to start happening for me."
  • Roy Scheider's character in the movie "2010" has a pool with live dolphins in his living room. Really nailed that aspect of life last year.
  • Saturn is the giraffe of planets. #4amThoughts #TheCallsAreComingFromInsideMyBrain
  • Stopped to watch two grackles fight over a roach on the sidewalk behind City Hall. Ham-fisted with the metaphor, don't you think, Nature?
  • Radiohead makes driving around town feel cinematic and my character, played by Tim Olyphant or Tom Hardy, might do something horrible.
  • Thinking about having invasive surgery to remove the part of my brain that knows there's an Alabama. - http://j.mp/gl9ITv
  • #NewProductIdea: App called ChessTimer records how fast you come up with a clever retort while on social media. $3k/per self-aggrandizement
  • Saw a Belarusian harlot, feral kid from Road Warrior & guy in a suit on crutches on E 6th. 15 shopping days left until #sxsw. #LoveThisTown
  • Ah, man, these Tom's of Maine anti-depressants work about as well as their deodorant. Bummer. #StinkySadHippies
  • I'm a far better dancer than ANY of you suspect. #4amThoughts
  • Austin Chronicle - putting out 120 pages of passive aggression a week, just so I can read "News of the Weird" while eating a taco.
  • Nothing like the self-esteem boost from having a freshly shaved back, am I right, ladies?
  • A lot of you don't know that I also have an MFA in Physical Comedy. Like most tall men, I majored in Cleeseian Walk and Dance.
  • Email from mom, unrelated to insomnia (until now): "Dreamed there were flies in your right nostril. Get fly strips to hang." #4amThoughts
  • Wait, Olivia Newton-John isn't up for ANY awards? But she's the most breakfast-y actress we’ve ever had. #Oscars are a sham.
  • Kirk Douglas has gotten Coen brothers character old. #Oscars
  • Aaron Sorkin's acceptance speech sounds like it was written by Aaron Sorkin. #Oscars
  • Helen Mirren played a Russian astronaut in "2010". The movie never established whether her character had living room dolphins. #Oscars
  • My sabbatical playlist is so awesome, it makes me want to buy coke from Dirk Diggler & light firecrackers in the house. #ButNoJessiesGirl