Best of Twitter - October 2011

• 100% chance that any compact pickup truck with a camper top will be driven by a balding guy with a gray ponytail.
• Mistook Icy Hot roll-on for deodorant, and suddenly, my morning became a hackneyed 80's sitcom bit.
• I refuse to be happy again unless Fred Durst marries Kirsten Dunst and they have a son named Dwayne Durst-Dunst. #YourMoveDurst&Dunst
• You do everything in your power not to appear creepy & then you get an American Girl catalog in the mail. #Macabre http://t.co/5gMy8h03
• Hey, be honest. Does this misanthropy make me look fat?
• If I was a father, I feel like I'd be really good at teaching my kids not to stare at goiters.
• “Send in Weirdy Beardy.” - Every manager's call to a bullpen.
• After winning the lottery, one of my eccentricities will be vacationing only in countries that allow chicken fighting.
• No, no. I don't need a bat. I'm going to choke the candy out of this piñata.
• Go as President Garfield assassin, Charles Guiteau. Act hurt when no one gets it. Never reveal that actual costume is Passive Aggression.