Tweets - Best of April 2011

• Perpetually-shirtless-in-his-front-yard-65-year-old helps ensure that I'm never ranked among the top 5 neighborhood creeps.
• First driveway-roaches of the year scuttled away from my headlights. I have a sweaty back at 10:15 p.m. Summertime has started.
• Four-year-olds are the Jehovah's Witnesses of knock-knock jokes.
• Can't believe Dallas Nite Club doesn't have a bicycle rack. Guys, come on.
• Neck stiffness has me feeling more old-man than an oval, squeezey coin purse with a Lions Club logo. #MoreGarageYoga
• If you're the FourSquare mayor of a 7-Eleven, don't bother trying to convince the police you aren't stoned when they pull you over.
• Guy at grocery loudly into his phone: " Ain't got no Funions, man. No Funions." His only other item: giant bottle of Scope. #FridayNight
• I can't go to a bar that incorporates poultry of any sort into its name or logo.
• New York Times news alert email about who won The Masters. #StuffWhitePeopleLike
• Never take investment advice from an overheard guy who mispronounces "analytical" and dresses like a Vietnamese poker player on TV.
• Food show: Bachelors assemble creatively depressing meals. Tonight: Phil makes Ramen & peanuts with a side of sweatpants & despair.
• I can never envy a handsome short man. It's like, "Yeah dude, but..."
• When working from home, what's the earliest you can add vodka to your iced tea and not "have a problem"? 3:30? Asking for a friend.
• When friends have interventions for me, I pretend I'm from the future, sent back to stop them & save the world. That always shuts them up.
• Table of tense girls, all silently using their phones, none believing the others' charades of weighing better options for the evening.
• “Aww, that ain't nothin' but a weak-ass, regular moon.” - guy who was really into supermoon last month
• Your milchig is in my fleishig! Well your fleishig is in my milchig! Hey, this tastes like a violation of God's will!
• “Lively up yourself” - What I say whenever I have a Rocky Balboa moment with a mirror.
• Just yelled, "Quit it, dick!" at a grasshopper that flew into me a second time in my backyard.
• Too many adults on my block are home during the day. Folks, we (you) can't all be artists. Well, time for 2nd nap.
• Bicycling couples: "Hey, let's joylessly devote ourselves to a hobby with unflattering gear and come to hate each other over it."
• What's the etiquette for telling the people seated at my favorite table that I hate them? Robert's Rules Of Order app isn't clear on this.
• Satiated Satiated Hippos #GamesForDullChildren
• When you know how to make a decent effigy, you never ever have to be lonely.
• The birds that roost above my driveway have diets consisting entirely of chili, grapes and tar. Also, they are jerks.
• Awesome Juxtaposition: Businessman gargle-coughs over a plate of Mexican food while Angry Birds theme plays on his phone.
• “...but in a good way” has always been way too little, way too late.