Tweets - Best of May 2011

• Crappy frozen burrito instructions: bake for 40 minutes OR microwave for 40 seconds. Truly, a culinary Sophie's choice.
• Yo mama so fat, she fast-forwards her VHS of "Woodstock" to the Sha Na Na performance. #Yeah #Fat
• Turns out, it's NOT a tradition to tickle Mexicans and demand their pots of gold. I've been doing Cinco de Mayo wrong for years.
• Was thinking about going out tonight, but then I thought, them angry birds ain't gonna sling themselves.
• Yo mama so fat, she has to use the hashtag #blorp in all her Tweets.
• Nothing in the universe is more passive aggressive than the "we need more cashiers" PA announcement at an independent bookstore.
• 1) File a joint tax return. 2) Visit Canada. 3) Win some tickets by being the tenth caller. #SadBucketList
• Ironically, I end up being the first and only Notre Dame graduate to ever get into heaven. #EmbarrassingForMeToo #Rapture
• Reuniting with ALL your dead dogs in heaven? That's going to be awkward for them. #LetTheHumpingBegin #Rapturee
• FYI Left-Behinders: I've been "leaving behind" upper-deckers all over town. Enjoy. #Rapture
• Soooo, I guess no more Riddick movies, huh? #AwkardnessWithVinDieselInHeaven #Rapture
• Your "9-11 Was An Inside Job" bumper sticker tells me your personal life is a bewildering mess.
• Feel kind of sick after eating a banana. Hope I haven't become bananatose intolerant.
• Woke up with the certainty that I am a goddamn treasure. #MorningWoodOfThePsyche