Tweets - Best of July 2011

• Rinsed a cracker in the sink and ate it after dropping it in a soapy puddle on the counter. And just like that, a new low.
• Microwaving frozen falafel patties at 10 p.m.; just as I imagined my adult life when reading stolen Playboys 30 years ago.
• New York Times news alert email about who won Wimbledon. #StuffWhitePeopleLike
• So handsome today, I can't lean against railing without someone yelling "Show-off!" #Handsome
• My attempts to get everyone to refer to me as "El Jefe" have failed to gain traction. Stop being a jerk about this, Mom.
• Unfortunately for The Lullaby League, they opened for a crowd that was clearly there to see The Lollipop Guild.
• The microwave bean burrito is the bologna sandwich of vegan fare.
• #NativeKentuckianFunFact: We all smell like a delightful, subtle blend of boubon, bacon, cigar, mowed grass and urine. #KeenelandCologne
• Big-box stores are the Debra Winger of Craigslist Missed Connection locations.
• It was my understanding that... = I am wrong. I could not be more wrong.
• What's the time? "It's time to eat a bunch of peanuts!" = My house-DJ's call-and-response.
• Template of my dreams (pick 3 or more): tornado + dog I have known + grandparent + place I've lived + mundane task made impossible
• Life sure does have me vacuuming dead roly polies a lot more than I thought it would at this stage.
• I have the appetite and classic eating prowess of a Civil War general. #OrSomething
• Remember when men would dress classy for air travel and wear a coat and tie with their sweatpants & flip-flops?