Friday, September 02, 2011

Tweets - Best of August 2011

  • Wait, Lowly Worm wasn't an under-employed knowledge worker who occasionally tweeted? I'm going to stop wearing this fez.
  • To anyone who's ever said, "I'm a grown-ass man/woman.": No, you're not.
  • This has been a summer of Austin, TX saying, "You knew this about me when you married me."
  • Children allowed to use baby-talk are 90% more likely to one day have their own kids mauled by illegal, exotic pets. #FactsIKnow
  • Watched "Tree of Life" matinee with 10 old ladies. Bought a corn-dog with a coupon. Modeled for cover of Modern Bachelor.
  • Now is the time of day when I drink a bunch of iced tea and get depressed about not participating in more class action lawsuits.
  • Incredulous 'bout Vegetable Oil Spreads #AlternativeNamesForICantBelieveItsNotButter
  • Still waiting for life to toss Mean Joe Greene's jersey to me.
  • Been losing weight since I started doing Pontius pilates but worried it's not good for my soul.
  • 5-year-old boys can only take so much fun and laughter before needing to throw a punch out of happiness. All sucker-punches.
  • If toes could detach from the foot, they'd already have suffocated themselves in an abandoned refrigerator. #ToesAreStupid
  • Right side, roast-beef-having-toe scored 1150 on the SAT. I mean, come on. #ToesAreStupid
  • I should have a lot more "Is everything to your satisfaction, Mr. Shroat?" in my life.
  • Dreamed that I showed up, to a tense reunion with a past love, dressed like a Cub Scout. Chicks dig Webelos, am I right?

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