Sunday, January 02, 2011

Tweets - December 2010

  • #BachelorGlory: 2010 - The Tacoiest Year of My Life. #NoFaintPraise #They'reNotJustForBreakfastAnymore
  • #BachelorGlory: I'm the Pete Rose of Mexican breakfast. #AllTimeGreatsNotInTheirHallsOfFame #INeverBetAgainstMyBreakfasting
  • #BachelorGlory: "You are still the Mayor of Cisco's." My weekly affirmation, courtesy of foursquare.
  • #BachelorGlory: Guy at next table is wearing a toupee. In 2010. My Cisco's experience just went to eleven.
  • If I'm not mistaken, that model of toupee was a Will Wynn GXi. Very nice. #SupportLocalToupees
  • #NewCareerIdea: I send you hilarious texts/IMs while you work. Turnkey humor solution. I start at $3000/week. #TheseFartJokesAreGoingToWaste
  • #BachelorGlory: Whenever I hear bad news, I like to yell "Too soon!", as if I'm sanctimoniously rejecting an inappropriate comedian.
  • #NewCareerIdea: I leave comments on your Facebook posts that will convey to your mother that you have witty, urbane friends. $3000/week
  • #NewCareerIdea: I leave quotes from the rap music on your Facebook to scare/impress your mother that you have witty, urban friends. $3k/week
  • Sometimes, when I'm at the end of a business call, I get the urge to whisper "I love you", right before I hang up. #MomentsOfAwkwardness
  • #BachelorGlory: Just overheard: ...well you can pretty much guarantee a used jet ski will come with a trailer. #HowDidIEndUpInAJetSkiBar
  • #BachelorGlory: Tak
  • ing Dramamine before a flight sure does make me feel like James Bond. So does a layover in Alabama. #HopeIGetAMiddleSeat
  • There's no easy way to say this, TV. You've gotten fatter and dumber since we last spent time together at my parents'. #UseYourInsideVoice
  • #BachelorGlory: Forgot to pack my veganism for my trip home. Also forgot my gastrointestinal self-respect.
  • Pity the self-aware douche-bag. Bright enough to know he is one, but not why. Makes him angry and douchier. #DoucierAutoCorrectsToSpicules

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