Best of Twitter - January 2012

• Vague promise to try harder at stuff. #SadResolutions
• Marcus Bachmann to endorse fabulousness.//@EileenDSmith: The coveted endorsement of a useless spouse! RE: Todd Palin will endorse Gingrich.
• Okay, I'm showered, dressed and feel good about my appearance. Now the world officially owes me something. #DailyPreludeToDisappointment
• Can't wait for the episode of Downton Abbey that finally introduces the sassy neighbor, Lady Willona Woods, Duchess of Cabrini Green.
• Slept in a hyperbaric chamber like Michael Jackson. Wasn't working, so I switched to a hyperbolic chamber. Now I'm going to live FOREVER!
• Health Tip: When eating, ask yourself, "Does this tastes like infarction?" If yes, maybe think about a smaller portion.
• Just threw out a tub of whipped butter that expired in April of 2009. It's been a tumultuous three years for both of us.
• I'm the sit-com buddy/weird-neighbor in my own life. #SpinOff
• I'm not saying that I'm a world-class expert on the over-medium fried egg, but overheard my waitress tell the cook, "He's here." #Polvos
• Citywide Yard Sale again? Another chance to be reminded that some of the poor have managed to trade their ankles for some sweet-ass rims.