Best of Twitter - February 2012

• Hey, couple on tandem cycle in matching outfits, barking encouragement/commands to each other. Thanks for making dying alone seem appealing.
• Obese guy in motorized scooter, yelling at adult daughter: "Do we need mayonnaise? Do we need mayonnaise?" Me: "Yes. Absolutely yes."
• Super Bowl rings are classy. They're like sweet-ass rims for your fingers. #Wealth #TimeValueOfRims
• Well if you ask me, there's nothing lazy about it. They should call it the Ingenious Susan.
• Belinda Carlisle's fame perfectly overlapped my puberty.
• EMERGENCY: My break dancing troupe needs a fourth who won't ask a bunch of awkward questions. Must supply own hunk of cardboard.
• I bet there's more averted eye contact and self-loathing at a Phantom Menace 3D screening than in the back room of an adult book store.
• This day wouldn't seem so romantic if we were plagued by actual fat, flying babies with bows and arrows.
• “Y'all got Mexican Twitter?” - imagined redneck, sort of trying to be more savvy and diverse
• I would get married and have children, but Volvo doesn't make a T-top station wagon.
• Caught my reflection in the mirror after getting out of the shower. Gave MYSELF some beads. Deserved 'em.
• Don't forget, Catholics. Today's the day you're supposed to put a bunch of "I Voted" stickers on your forehead, or something.
• I have Han Solo-dar. I can totally tell when someone is Han Solo.
• I'm the James Bond of huevos rancheros, and everybody here knows it. #HuevosRancherosHubris #ThisIsBiggerThanMe
• All Tejano videos: Chunky guy with mustache woos much hotter chica while standing near fence, punctuated by grating accordion.
• Sure I'm disappointed in myself. How did I make it to 40, still un-murdered by the president of my fan club? #TooSoon
• At what point in the election cycle are we supposed to submit our threats to move to Canada? I always forget and do it too late.