My Favorite Tweets of 2010

• Classic Grift©: The New, New Fagshoes Varney
• This Was Said©: I don't want to get too drum-circle with all this.
• ThisWasSaid©: Nah, you don't want to spread your mother's ashes there. You'll end up with spreader's remorse.
• The opposite of "bathtub meth" is "toilet tank hydroponics".
• ClassicGrift©: Solipsistic One-card Monte
• ThisWasSaid©: Yeah, that's my brand of charm. Suave quirkiness.
• ClassicGrift©: Tall Shorty-Pants and the Less than Flattering Kerchief
• ThisWasSaid©: It tasted like wet hippie and passive aggression.
• A dog riding in a motorcycle side-car seems like a cliche until you see it in person. Surprisingly delightful.
• ThisWasSaid©: Hey, I'm just living this stereotype temporarily...I know I don't belong here.
• Mom just demonstrated the car-sick gene I inherited from her by puking in my yard after drive downtown. Dad and I laughed. Cruel-humor gene?
• ClassicGrift©: Door-to-Door Popsicle Repairman
• ThisWasSaid©: It's not a temper problem. It's a temper opportunity.
• #BachelorGlory: I hope future cartoonists are able to convey my feelings of vague superiority with a graphic analogous to stink lines.
• Trying to teach my 3 & 6 year old house guests about clever humor. Still finding fake mustaches around the house. Prop comics. Unacceptable.
• Journey had a secretary named Boston. Boston had a secretary named Journey.
• Everyone should be embarrassed by cycling apparel. Everyone.
• #BachelorGlory: Bringing my hunting falcon to ACL now just seems like an embarrassing affectation.
• #BachelorGlory: Hey complaining Austin natives, sorry we moved here and made your town more awesome.
• #BachelorGlory: I thought there'd be more maniacal laughter on my part at this stage of life.
• #BachelorGlory: Most frequently overheard conversation topic in bars and restaurants? Angrily retold tales of "that's not my job."
• #BachelorGlory: That's sadder than a high school teacher forced to play donkey basketball during homecoming week.
• #NewCareerIdea: I send you hilarious texts/IMs while you work. Turnkey humor solution. I start at $3000/week. #TheseFartJokesAreGoingToWaste
• #BachelorGlory: Whenever I hear bad news, I like to yell "Too soon!", as if I'm sanctimoniously rejecting an inappropriate comedian.
• Sometimes, when I'm at the end of a business call, I get the urge to whisper "I love you", right before I hang up. #MomentsOfAwkwardness
• #BachelorGlory: Just overheard: ...well you can pretty much guarantee a used jet ski will come with a trailer. #HowDidIEndUpInAJetSkiBar

Tweets - December 2010

• #BachelorGlory: 2010 - The Tacoiest Year of My Life. #NoFaintPraise #They'reNotJustForBreakfastAnymore
• #BachelorGlory: I'm the Pete Rose of Mexican breakfast. #AllTimeGreatsNotInTheirHallsOfFame #INeverBetAgainstMyBreakfasting
• #BachelorGlory: "You are still the Mayor of Cisco's." My weekly affirmation, courtesy of foursquare.
• #BachelorGlory: Guy at next table is wearing a toupee. In 2010. My Cisco's experience just went to eleven.
• If I'm not mistaken, that model of toupee was a Will Wynn GXi. Very nice. #SupportLocalToupees
• #NewCareerIdea: I send you hilarious texts/IMs while you work. Turnkey humor solution. I start at $3000/week. #TheseFartJokesAreGoingToWaste
• #BachelorGlory: Whenever I hear bad news, I like to yell "Too soon!", as if I'm sanctimoniously rejecting an inappropriate comedian.
• #NewCareerIdea: I leave comments on your Facebook posts that will convey to your mother that you have witty, urbane friends. $3000/week
• #NewCareerIdea: I leave quotes from the rap music on your Facebook to scare/impress your mother that you have witty, urban friends. $3k/week
• Sometimes, when I'm at the end of a business call, I get the urge to whisper "I love you", right before I hang up. #MomentsOfAwkwardness
• #BachelorGlory: Just overheard: ...well you can pretty much guarantee a used jet ski will come with a trailer. #HowDidIEndUpInAJetSkiBar
• #BachelorGlory: Tak
• ing Dramamine before a flight sure does make me feel like James Bond. So does a layover in Alabama. #HopeIGetAMiddleSeat
• There's no easy way to say this, TV. You've gotten fatter and dumber since we last spent time together at my parents'. #UseYourInsideVoice
• #BachelorGlory: Forgot to pack my veganism for my trip home. Also forgot my gastrointestinal self-respect. http://yfrog.com/h45iixlj
• Pity the self-aware douche-bag. Bright enough to know he is one, but not why. Makes him angry and douchier. #DoucierAutoCorrectsToSpicules