Best of Twitter - December 2011

• Finally, some decent reassess-your-life-but-continue-to-make-the-same-choices weather. Plus, soup.
• Sure, Jeans, I'll put you on as if I'm going to leave the house today.
• I need more of everything, sooner.
• Prepubescent perv, combining two things he knows have mysterious power over him: "Oooh, Christmas tree girls."
• A child appeared frightened by hipster's "tough" facial hair. Wanted to reassure her, "He's probably just some pussy named Trevor."
• Ears should not require this much shaving.
• “That's when I was stepping on kittens!” - "Hang in There" Kitten / Footprints in the Sand, poster mashup
• For Christmas, I'm giving each my faux-nieces a Trophy Wife Barbie. Parents can get them Middle Aged Ken with adjustable hairline.
• “Hey, we're all friends here. No one else has to know if you eat the whole bag of us,” whispered the potato chips in my pantry.
• Making my bed every morning is like Cortés burning his ships behind him.
• The opposite of "whimsy" is "Santa hat".
• There were 6 different Peaches & 1 Herb? Save some for the rest of us, guy. Marlene Mack is the George Lazenby of Peacheses. Discuss.
• Just found out that I Can't Believe It's Not Myrrh has as much cholesterol as regular myrrh. Holidays ruined.
• If you build a life-sized Advent calendar, don't forget to drill air holes. In related news, looks like I won't be getting a wife this year.
• You're right. A Very Bukowski Christmas has been a bit of a bust, and haven't even gotten to the vomiting yet.
• Sometimes, it's important for me to clear my mind, then think about nothing but Olivia Newton-John for ten seconds. #Magic
• Speaking of faux-nieces and faux-nephews, I wish one of my faux-nieces was named Fo'Neese. "Hey, hey Fo'Neese!"
• Buy more lottery tickets. #SadResolutions
• Check the batteries in the smoke detectors. Or don't. #SadResolutions