Monday, January 02, 2012

My Year in Twitter - 2011

Good riddance 2011. You felt longer than a dog year at times. Here are 50 little jokes that I wrote to briefly distract my mind from the universe’s inherent lack of meaning. I was at my funniest during the first half of the year, so read my January through May posts to see my best work.
  1. A black cat followed me for several blocks this morning. Bleak symbolism, 30 hours into the year. #PermissionToTreat2011AsHostile? #Granted
  2. #BachelorGlory: I don't think of my house as a bachelor pad, but I know it contains a lot more peanut debris than the homes of most women.
  3. #BachelorGlory: Age 40 & living in Texas, I should be wearing a fishnet t-shirt and slapping Debra Winger around a trailer behind Gilley's.
  4. Since everyone else posted photos of their dogs in the snow, here's Eli. #ATXSnow
  5. If you don't tell your children about Paul Lynde, who will?
  6. My constantly running inner monologue would be easier to ignore if not for its genteel Mississippi drawl.
  7. A lot of you don't know that I also have an MFA in Physical Comedy. Like most tall men, I majored in Cleeseian Walk and Dance.
  8. “NO, I WILL NOT LOWER MY VOICE.” - Always fun to overhear in public when directed at not-me.
  9. Always in the back of my mind: "Yeah, but this manic phase won't last forever." Immediately followed by: "YES IT WILL!" #YayMania #Brains
  10. I will never miss another opportunity to refer to money as "cabbage". If only I'd started earlier...#TimeValueOfCabbage
  11. According to my search history in the Wikipedia app, I've looked up "Larry Fine" four different times. #BetterThanDrunkTexting
  12. I don't have a lazy eye, but one just isn't an enthusiastic go-getter.
  13. “You're all winners. (Except for most of you.)” #Motivating4YearOldsForSports
  14. Four-year-olds are the Jehovah's Witnesses of knock-knock jokes.
  15. When friends have interventions for me, I pretend I'm from the future, sent back to stop them & save the world. That always shuts them up.
  16. Table of tense girls, all silently using their phones, none believing the others' charades of weighing better options for the evening.
  17. Bicycling couples: "Hey, let's joylessly devote ourselves to a hobby with unflattering gear and come to hate each other over it."
  18. Satiated Satiated Hippos #GamesForDullChildren
  19. Yo mama so fat, she has to use the hashtag #blorp in all her Tweets.
  20. Nothing in the universe is more passive aggressive than the "we need more cashiers" PA announcement at an independent bookstore.
  21. 1) File a joint tax return. 2) Visit Canada. 3) Win some tickets by being the tenth caller. #SadBucketList
  22. Your "9-11 Was An Inside Job" bumper sticker tells me your personal life is a bewildering mess.
  23. Woke up with the certainty that I am a goddamn treasure. #MorningWoodOfThePsyche
  24. Sometimes, I worry my career in parkour is over before it really began.
  25. Just overheard the apocryphal "His dad invented the ketchup packet" explanation of wealth. #PacketMagnates
  26. Why yes, earnest 20-something. I would love to see your laminated sheet & be made to feel guilty as cool air escapes my open front door.
  27. Rinsed a cracker in the sink and ate it after dropping it in a soapy puddle on the counter. And just like that, a new low.
  28. Unfortunately for The Lullaby League, they opened for a crowd that was clearly there to see The Lollipop Guild.
  29. #NativeKentuckianFunFact: We all smell like a delightful, subtle blend of boubon, bacon, cigar, mowed grass and urine. #KeenelandCologne
  30. Big-box stores are the Debra Winger of Craigslist Missed Connection locations.
  31. Template of my dreams (pick 3 or more): tornado + dog I have known + grandparent + place I've lived + mundane task made impossible
  32. This has been a summer of Austin, TX saying, "You knew this about me when you married me."
  33. Watched "Tree of Life" matinee with 10 old ladies. Bought a corn-dog with a coupon. Modeled for cover of Modern Bachelor.
  34. Incredulous 'bout Vegetable Oil Spreads #AlternativeNamesForICantBelieveItsNotButter
  35. Still waiting for life to toss Mean Joe Greene's jersey to me.
  36. If toes could detach from the foot, they'd already have suffocated themselves in an abandoned refrigerator. #ToesAreStupid
  37. Right side, roast-beef-having-toe scored 1150 on the SAT. I mean, come on. #ToesAreStupid
  38. I'm a total Willona. #PeopleThatSelfIdentifyAsGoodTimesCharacters
  39. I wouldn't say I have a lot of gray hair, but probably enough for you to be able to work out your daddy issues.
  40. Please don't make me have to be the one that starts the Facebook fan page for Scarlett Johansson's naked butt photo.
  41. Had that dream again where me and a cheerleader buy pot cornbread from a guy with a bunch of old-timey fire engines. ACL, amiright?
  42. If I was a father, I feel like I'd be really good at teaching my kids not to stare at goiters.
  43. Friends didn't set their kitchen clock back, then used it to run a bedtime scam on their 3 kids. Passing that info along to Kidz Wikileaks.
  44. Bishop in the Fundamentalist Church of Steve Martin #PostApocalypticJobsICanDo
  45. Pity the hipster who has to enunciate: "I'm in a The National cover band."
  46. Quinoa and lentils for dinner, alone, at home. This must be what it feels like to own a Prius.
  47. Teaching 8 year old how to play 20 questions. Her 1st question: "Is it lovely?"
  48. Ears should not require this much shaving.
  49. Making my bed every morning is like Cort├ęs burning his ships behind him.
  50. Buy more lottery tickets. #SadResolutions

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