- 350 lb. lady at coffee shop is wearing an Atlas Shrugged t-shirt. Where to begin? The mere existence of an XXXXL Ayn Rand tee? #KillYourself
- "Please make me rich, God." - overwhelming subtext of the National Day of Prayer #FailedChurchAttendanceCampaigns
- Punish your parents by hacking their social media. You know their passwords. It's some combination of grandchild names and birth dates.
- "It's George Washington, not Gorge Washington." - comeback to fatties that say "It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve." #Zing
- Always End on a Crazy Accusation - one of the chapters in my new presentation manual, "Fester in the Audience's Mind"
- Interview Tip #58: Never state that your real career aspiration is to be a Willy Wonka-esque figure in the potato chip industry.
- Maybe it's my mild OCD, but the symmetry of dying of natural causes on one's own birthday has tremendous appeal. #StickTheLanding
- There's always a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. #TatooineOptimist
- I often wish that an Alamo Drafthouse level of enforced civility was imposed on society at large. #SlipperySlope #SixDegreesOfMussolini
- Taking my contact lens out for the evening is a daily, tacit admission of defeat.
- I'm the Lou Gehrig of NOT vomiting in public. #LuckiestManOnTheFaceOfTheEarth
- An elaborate dream reuniting me with all my dead dogs in a mansion was mostly spent shoveling snow.
- "I remember a time before wacky, wedding photo booths. A time of rambling speeches captured on VHS." #WhenDrunkUnclesRuledTheEarth
- Fishmonger is the all time best job title. Not enough things getting -monged these days.
- Keep Austin Catchphrase-less
- In a consequence free universe, I would subsist entirely on Mexican vanilla milkshakes.
#Supermoon
- “Cinco de Mayo, Derby, Free Comic Book Day...everyone have a thing today?” “Can my thing be Supermoon tonight?” - guy who loves #Supermoon
- Back by popular indifference, non-#Supermoon Cincos de Mayo, from a more innocent time. - http://t.co/MNtROJ9C
- Cinco de Mayo is a marketing scam perpetrated by Big Cinco. #Supermoon, on the other hand...well that’s a REAL thing. - Supermoonacy Theory
- “Doesn’t anyone at this Derby party care there’s a Supermoon tonight?" - guy who can no longer contain his #Supermoon enthusiasm
- Your Derby outfit isn’t as cute as my #Supermoon outfit. Look at yourself...you haven't incorporated ANY aluminum foil.
- Yeah, that’s right. I’m live-tweeting #Supermoon this year. You should probably make some phone calls, let people know.
- “Y’all got Supermoon in Europe?” - guy who thinks that American airspace might have something to do with #Supermoon
- Have you heard the Good News? #Supermoon is Risen.
- Disappointed by Obama's continued refusal to take a moral stand on #Supermoon. It's 30% brighter than a normal full moon! #WakeUp
Mother’s Day
- Mother’s Day is a marketing scam perpetrated by Big Mother.
- It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve’s mom.
- As a Mother’s Day gift, I’ve agreed to answer 3 iPhone/computer questions from my mom, without anger, judgement, or comment. #Hero
- Mom once convinced me I should “change my look” and gave me a home perm. Turned out great, since junior high kids are so complementary.
- Mom, in front of my college girlfriend, years after the perm debacle: “Yeah, you went through a real ugly stage there for awhile.”
- Mom, looking at school photo proofs: “Well, you look like a goof with your eyes half-closed. Not buying these.” (every year, 1978-1984)
- Shout-out to the non-mother ladies. You’re failures in the eyes of God and also, what are you doing later?
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