Best of Twitter - June 2012

• Probably not going to have kids, so feel free to call your son Plissken Shroat, though it's weird that you're giving your kid my last name.
• Special trip to BookPeople just to buy The New Yorker science fiction issue. Yeah, I know, I can't believe I'm single either.
• Couldn't tell 8 y.o. that the thing I liked most about her hamster was thinking of the lavish funeral she would be giving it in 6-9 months.
• “Oh, I don't need a big intervention. Just a simple ceremony with loved ones.” - girl trying to seem low maintenance about an intervention
• Failed to win the lottery, so I won't be able to take my delightful eccentricities public. We've all lost something here.
• Really iPhone? Correcting "so" to "do"? How 'bout you let me tackle two-letter words on my own, going forward? I think I'm ready.
• I'm not going to have a happy Father's Day...THAT I KNOW OF! #HighFive #ThisGuyKnowsWhatImTalkingAbout
• Tattoo guy, severely undercutting his tough facade: "After this, we should go get some of those bomb-ass cupcakes."
• Honestly, I think your tauntaun will probably be fine past the first marker. Just make sure he gets enough water.
• When God closes a door, it's because he's not paying to cool the out-of-doors.
• So this Supreme Court ruling means we can all continue with our consequence-free diets, right? #CornSyrup #Blorp
• Still can't get coverage for my acute ennui. #SCOTUS #Obamacare #Canada #MedicalMJ #Complaints #YouFixIt

#RoTRally - The Republic of Texas Rally (which I don’t particularly care for)

• Republic of Texas rally (a sweaty, fat, middle-aged, bourgeois Freaknik) is Austin's most despised weekend of the year. #RoTRally
• #RoTRally: Come for the juvenile, too-loud mufflers, stay for the leathery, 38-year-old-grandma boob-flash.
• #RoTRally Attendees: The ideal is Fonzie (1974 Henry Winkler). The reality is Barry Zuckerkorn (2012 Henry Winkler).
• Does this conveyance make me look fat and delusional? - self-reflection completely absent from #RoTRally
• #RoTRally: 1000s of motorcycles WITHOUT dogs riding in sidecars = 1000s of missed opportunities for true joy and delight
• #RoTRally: For every leather-wearing biker tough guy I see, I hear Paul Lynde's voice saying "Because chiffon wrinkles so easily."
• Big thanks to #RoTRally sponsor: Sonny Barger's Discount Laryngectomy and Electo-larynx Emporium.

#Migraines (also not a fan)

• I can hear eyelids. #Migraines
• A fun thing to do with a migraine is pretend it's the onset of super powers, and life thus far has been a protracted, tedious origin story.
• What if it's early-onset Gollum? #Migraines