Best of Twitter - August 2012

• Congratulations to Missy Elliott for Olympic gold and for dispelling stereotypes. #RapperBuoyancy #GetUrSwimOn
• “It’s Chick-Fil-A, not Chick-PHIL-A.” (“Also, we don’t serve Steves.”)
• Actually, Life Cereal Mikey was strung out Pop Rocks, then drank A LOT of Cokes. Also he did a bunch of blow. Also type 2 diabetes.
• I’d like to have children someday, but how to ensure they aren’t the singing and dancing kind seen on TV?
• “I’m not bitter, I’m wry.” - The motto on my coat of arms (Shroat of Arms). Not that any of you jerks would care.
• I’m going into my cryostasis tube now. Wake me when all religions have become quaint, harmless novelties like the Amish, I guess.
• I need to keep in mind that the rest of you can’t hear the whammy bar that punctuates every thing I write or say.
• #NewCareerIdea: I rename your blender speeds. A few freebies: Defenestrate, Coerce, Objectify, Blog, Razzle-Dazzle. $3000 per verb
• Sure, I could create an elaborate pyramid scheme OR you could save us all the stress, mail me a $100 or so and move on with your life.
• Because of my careless disregard for the Shift key, I’ve been wasting a bunch of time on Google=.
• When a player scores a touchdown in a preseason game and points skyward, I figure he’s just praising John the Baptist. #SportsTweet
• Can’t believe Eli started high school! #FirstDayOfSchool #Blessed #PhantomUterus #DeadDogJokes http://t.co/WdM8DUu2
• Guess what, Pretty-Girl-At-Coffee-Shop-Twirling-Her-Hair? You’re the creep, not me.
• My attitude toward the prospect of dating: “Ah, I don’t want to have to learn a new weirdo.”

#RejectedOlympicEvents

• Synchronized Natural Twenty Rolling
• Wrestler Ear Cartilage Beauty Pageant
• Greco-Roman Ennui (above-the-waist discontentment)
• Modern Harry-Potterverse Continuity Dweebathon (demonstration sport)
• Freestyle Passive Aggression

Various Soylenti:

• Soylent Green is people! Delicious, well-marbled people.
• Ahhh, look, Soylent Green thinks he’s people!
• Soylent Sheen is Emilio Estevez!
• Soylent Dean is Wormer!
• Soylent Jeans look ridiculous on guys!
• Soylent Mean is Clubber Lang!
• Soylent Beans are surprisingly bad for you!
• Soylent Lean isn’t as moist and succulent as Soylent Fatty!
• Soylent Steen is a friend of mine from high school!
• Soylent Teen is still legal in parts of the Deep South!