Thursday, October 04, 2012

Best of Twitter - September 2012

  • My last grandparent died in 1994. Do old men still smell like cigarettes and metal shavings?
  • The first rule of Soylent Green is you DO NOT talk about how Soylent Green is people.
  • How to tell this couple that their public, passive aggressive argument, conducted in sing-song voice, makes them look fat?
  • “Drunk and full of omelets” - Apt description of me on football Saturdays during my Notre Dame years.
  • I’m not sure I want to continue living in a world where people think its okay to be this boring.
  • Ran over a bunch of Cheetos spilled in the street with my bike, accompanied by feelings of surprising exhilaration and smugness.
  • Just overheard a conversation about Star Trek that was so dorky, it permanently reduced MY chances of getting some. #2ndHandNerdFumes
  • A 6 y.o. would love Grey Gardens. “She lives in a house where it rains inside & plays dress-up & has kitty cats & sees her mommy every day.”
  • Group at next table just finished off the devaluation of the word "amazing". It’s now officially just a nonsense grouping of syllables.
  • The word "literally" also took a beating. It now officially has same definition as "figuratively".
  • It's not truly moping if no one sees it.
  • Maybe string together a few instances of adequateness before insisting you’re special? - My advice for everyone other than me.
  • Guy ahead of me at grocery buying a gallon of milk and four pairs of toenail clippers. I hear you, brother. One of THOSE nights.
  • In Saudi Arabia, you can be stoned to death for excessive smugness about your Star Wars knowledge.
  • Trip to Walgreens became unexpectedly complex. Ended up having to download an app to get an almond discount.

  • Getting excited. Sure hope Hoffa Claus leaves me the scab bat I want (Scab Buster 5000) tomorrow morning. #LaborDay
  • About to kick off a traditional Labor Day Eve by torching an effigy of a Pinkertons agent, burn ban be damned.
  • Hoffa is Risen! #LaborDay
  • It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and stevedores. #LaborDay cc:@blainecapatch

  • Crap, I have to use my saved #BadSummerDepressionMetaphors this weekend. Off to a start.
  • Trying to bat the shuttlecock of moroseness back over the net of coping. #BadSummerDepressionMetaphors
  • Chasing the ice cream truck of happiness to buy a serotonin bomb pop. #BadSummerDepressionMetaphors
  • Snapping towels on the ass of disappointment at the swimming hole of despair. #BadSummerDepressionMetaphors
  • Dropping the pop fly ball of hope in the outfield of...okay, that’s enough. #BadSummerDepressionMetaphors

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