Thursday, November 01, 2012

Best of Twitter - October 2012

  • Kid with iPhone in next car took my photo at stoplight. Print it out, tack it to a mirror, and aspire for the next 25 years, little turd.
  • Trust me iPhone auto-correct, I mean “goof”, not “good”. I almost always mean “goof”, not “good”.
  • Still trying to figure out what/how to become the “Skinny George Wendt of ”.
  • Overcast and 66 is about as “Autumn” as it gets in Austin. Let’s not be embarrassed to admit that we all feel a bit cozy today.
  • It’s the Niña, the Pinta and the Santa Maria, NOT the Niña, the Pinta, and Steve. #ColumbusDay
  • #NewProductIdea: An artificial, mother of pearl substitute called step-mother of pearl. Where do I collect my money?
  • My only preparation for various apocalypsi: Steadily adding to a cache of moist towelettes, every time I get BBQ.
  • ‘member the #ACLFest when it rained & you were all “What’s that smell?” and we were like “What? Nothing. Oh, dillo dirt?” #Dung #Feces #Poo
  • I know it's Austin, but its also mid-October. Cover your gross feet, at least until next spring. Please.
  • Confluence of Boss’s Day and Bring Your Daughter to Work Day means a lot of you serfs will have to submit to Primae Noctis. #SadTrombone
  • Is the freshman fifteen still a thing, or do they all just show up to college fat now?
  • Sad to realize that women no longer refer to me as “a real dreamboat” and really, really mean it. #Dreamboats #DreamboatingAlone
  • Everyone I encounter surely thinks, “Gosh, I hope TJ thinks I’m cool.” I won’t lie. Some of you are okay.
  • You should see how pretty some of my thoughts are.
  • All conservative pundits, in their unguarded moments, laugh exactly like the green pigs in Angry Birds.
  • Hey, what's Spanish for “Shhhh, use your inside-voice”? #Multicultural #Hero
  • Shhhh, use your inside-belt-sander.
  • Finally, my fantasy of a Coen brothers directed Star Wars movie can be admitted to the world as a tiny but real possibility.

Birthday #42
  • It’s 10/11/12, and my birthday. Pretty sure I’m a messiah, though my teachings are mostly what to watch on Netflix Instant.
  • Turned 42 today. Started the day with a round of ear-hair maintenance. Ladies?
  • Turned 42 today. Celebrated by watching a online compilation video of ugly babies trying to eat lemons.
  • Turned 42 today. The white patent leather Evel Knievel watch I got 1976 remains the gold standard of birthday gifts.
  • Turned 42 today. Twenty pounds lighter than when I turned 41 :) . Hundred pounds heavier than when I turned 11 :( .
  • Turned 42 today. I don’t feel a day older than a really disappointing 30 year old.
  • Turned 42 today. Double 21. Going drink so much iced tea this afternoon. Genteel!
  • Turned 42 today. Elvis died at 42. Going to have to really pick up the pace of my prescription drug abuse.
  • Turned 42 today. Not eating as many meals out of mixing bowls these days.
  • Turned 42 today. When my parents turned 42, I was a college sophomore. Uh, I once owned a dog for about 10 years.
  • Turned 42 today. If not married in the next year, I get to throw myself a party and force friends and family to toast me.
  • Turned 42 today. Born in the sweet spot of Generation X, I was a prototypical disaffected slacker. Before it got all corporate.
  • Turned 42 today. The rest of life looks like a yawning abyss of loneliness and disapp...oooh, Mexican vanilla milkshake!
  • Turned 42 today. Does anyone else smell melted crayons right now?

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