Wednesday, April 04, 2012

Best of Twitter - March 2012

  • I shouldn't use Mott's for Tots as a mixer, because as an alcoholegan, I can't drink anything with a face.
  • ‘member that time the entire country went bananas because a Taiwanese-American was better than expected at basketball?
  • “Kites? Kite festival? Ah, man...” - disappointed, racist, matzo enthusiast
  • It's impossible not to feel judged for all your life choices when you use five or more dimes as part of a payment for anything.
  • Super Tuesday. If you live in a primary state, throw beads at a candidate and scream "Show me your pendulous gringtorums!"
  • “ 'Tis better to be avuncular than carbuncular.” - aphorism I just made up to feel better about life
  • People still mad, 'cause cyber-hobos? #SxSWi #JunkPanTessierAshpool
  • Referring to other drinkers on NY's Eve and St. Patrick's Day as "amateurs"? Well congratulations on your professional alcoholism.
  • Attention bullies. These music pipsqueaks have beautiful girlfriends. Come on down and get you one. #SxSW #BlutoDoctrine
  • Still angry with your dad, huh Punk Rock? Still not sure what to do with your hands when you perform live, huh Rap? #SxSW
  • Irrational Duke hatred is the nerd-rage of sport.
  • You dorks would wait in line for hours at DukeSucks-Con, just to sit on Cherokee Park's lap and awkwardly mumble "I hate you".
  • The sixth state of the Kübler-Ross model is buying a lottery ticket while wearing pajama pants.
  • If today's weather was a drug, I'd forsake everything else to inject it behind a 7-11 dumpster. "Hear about TJ? He's strung-out on lovely."
  • Got an Evite to be part of a fellowship to cast the Cheney-heart back into Mt. Doom. Hope I don't go all Boromir and try to wield it myself.
  • Age 41 is just like 31, but with 1300% more ear and nose hair maintenance.
  • Had a moment of shared humanity with the clerks & patrons while buying a lottery ticket. We're going to be okay, people...nah, it was gross.

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