Thursday, May 03, 2012

Best of Twitter - April 2012

  • I came here to do two things, mix metaphors and kick some ass. And it looks like your butt can't cash checks.
  • I came here to do two things, chew gum and kick some ass. And I'll be honest, there's just no way I'll get through all this gum.
  • In case you were still wondering, I just visually confirmed that walking 3 pugs dressed in tutus is not a slimming look.
  • Look! Hints of a purple, orange and yellow light, coming from that tacky gazebo! It's been opened! #KinkadeIsRisen
  • Apropos of nothing, I just remembered that Sammy Leeds is the name of a bully from The Great Brain books. #SomeonePayMeMoney
  • Overhearing a guy pronounce "raison d'etre" as "raisin-deeter" was kind of magical, and one of my own raisin-deeters.
  • Sometimes, I like to eat a hunk of chocolate right in front of a dog and brag about how it won’t LITERALLY kill me. #TheyLoveThat
  • 51st Bay of Pigsiversary! Celebrating by eating bacon in an inflatable kiddie pool & listening to the Buena Vista Social Club soundtrack.
  • Fat guys in fishing shirts look like they're wearing tiny capes. Tucking-in to belt-less short pants adds a nice touch. #ChryslerSebring
  • Pump up the treble, yo. #ChryslerSebring
  • 40% of my trips to the grocery include being asked by old ladies to reach products on top shelves. #SingleServingCreamedMushroomStems
  • Foursquare should always include "Shame" as a check-in option. Or "Don't You Judge Me".
  • Sure I've developed a great pantomime of Nicky Katt angrily whipping off his t-shirt to fight in Dazed and Confused, but now what?
  • Bull is the most incredulous of "shits".
  • Life is what happens in-between wearing festival badges and wristbands.

  • Kneel-Sit-Stand-Kneel-Sit-Stand-A-Go-Go #FailedChurchAttendanceCampaigns
  • Eucharist-Ultra! Still the host with the most...spirit, not carbs! #FailedChurchAttendanceCampaigns
  • Hatchet-faced busy-bodies worship half price. #FailedChurchAttendanceCampaigns
  • Putting the "turd" back into "liturgy". #FailedChurchAttendanceCampaigns
  • 24 y.o. self-professed virgin backup quarterback is giving a sermon to 20k. Keep it weird, Round Rock. #SuccessfulChurchAttendanceCampaigns

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