Best of Twitter - April 2012

• I came here to do two things, mix metaphors and kick some ass. And it looks like your butt can't cash checks.
• I came here to do two things, chew gum and kick some ass. And I'll be honest, there's just no way I'll get through all this gum.
• In case you were still wondering, I just visually confirmed that walking 3 pugs dressed in tutus is not a slimming look.
• Look! Hints of a purple, orange and yellow light, coming from that tacky gazebo! It's been opened! #KinkadeIsRisen
• Apropos of nothing, I just remembered that Sammy Leeds is the name of a bully from The Great Brain books. #SomeonePayMeMoney
• Overhearing a guy pronounce "raison d'etre" as "raisin-deeter" was kind of magical, and one of my own raisin-deeters.
• Sometimes, I like to eat a hunk of chocolate right in front of a dog and brag about how it won’t LITERALLY kill me. #TheyLoveThat
• 51st Bay of Pigsiversary! Celebrating by eating bacon in an inflatable kiddie pool & listening to the Buena Vista Social Club soundtrack.
• Fat guys in fishing shirts look like they're wearing tiny capes. Tucking-in to belt-less short pants adds a nice touch. #ChryslerSebring
• Pump up the treble, yo. #ChryslerSebring
• 40% of my trips to the grocery include being asked by old ladies to reach products on top shelves. #SingleServingCreamedMushroomStems
• Foursquare should always include "Shame" as a check-in option. Or "Don't You Judge Me".
• Sure I've developed a great pantomime of Nicky Katt angrily whipping off his t-shirt to fight in Dazed and Confused, but now what?
• Bull is the most incredulous of "shits".
• Life is what happens in-between wearing festival badges and wristbands.

• Kneel-Sit-Stand-Kneel-Sit-Stand-A-Go-Go #FailedChurchAttendanceCampaigns
• Eucharist-Ultra! Still the host with the most...spirit, not carbs! #FailedChurchAttendanceCampaigns
• Hatchet-faced busy-bodies worship half price. #FailedChurchAttendanceCampaigns
• Putting the "turd" back into "liturgy". #FailedChurchAttendanceCampaigns
• 24 y.o. self-professed virgin backup quarterback is giving a sermon to 20k. Keep it weird, Round Rock. #SuccessfulChurchAttendanceCampaigns