Non Sequiturs - Best of 2009

As voted by my editorial board:

Antonyms

1. The opposite of "lady's man" is "twenty-sided die".
2. The opposite of "anonymous love note" is "keyboard pubes".
   
3. The opposite of David Bowie is Fess Parker.
4. The opposite of "Twitter" is "Tolstoyer", which I have recently installed on my iPhone.
5. The opposite of "quinceañera" is "colonoscopy".
6. The opposite of "hangnail" is "stigmata".
7. The opposite of "welcome mat" is "bus ticket to Fistville".
8. The opposite of "faux-hawk" is "faux-comb-over".
9. The opposite of "lemon zester" is "radish malaiser".
10. The opposite of "emotional roller-coaster" is "moribund tilt-a-whirl".
11. The opposite of "hanging drywall and fixing cars" is "downloading the McSweeney's iPhone app".
12. The opposite of "moral fiber" is "Montezuma's complete lack of restraint".
13. The opposite of "Bo and Luke Duke" are "Randolph and Mortimer Duke."
    

This Was Said

1. That makes me so goddamn mad, I want to punch someone in their mother.
2. I enjoy my life in retrospect.
3. More ass hair than a Guantánamo Bay toilet seat.
4. I'm doing well. My glass is half-full...of mercury.
5. St. Ramen is the patron saint of dying alone.
   
6. I'm not fond of those short dresses that make women look like shuttlecocks.
7. See? I should never have let my subscription to High Times lapse.
8. You never meet an Indian Indian. I don't know anyone named Gupta Tallfeathers.
9. Half the people here wish they were Japanese. The other half wish they were manga.
10. In an efficient mood market, I'd be happy.
11. Whenever someone says comedy is tragedy plus time, I think about the Hindenburg, and how funny it is to me.
12. Denture cream commercials led me to believe old people spent all their time smoking cigarettes and eating blueberries.
13. I’d kill to work downtown. Well, maybe not kill. I’d maim and say mean things to work downtown.
14. Louisville has world class after-rain-street-smell. It's the bourbon of after-rain-street-smell.
15. You guys should hire me as Vice President of Creep Vibe.
16. Yeah, I don't know, man...something about a Möbius strip.
17. Well Luke, that's either a boy clown, or a girl clown with mannish features. I can't tell from here, and I'm not getting any closer.
18. Did you see me? I was on the cover of this month's issue of Awkward Encounter Aficionado.
19. If you do decide to display it, own it. Don't make it kitschy. Yeah, this is my effing lava lamp.

Grifts

1. El Chupacabra, Mediumfoot and the Cryptozoologist
2. Zombie Dale Earnhardt and the NASCAR Step-Dad
3. Social Security Number Sha Boo Ya Roll Call
4. Three Wimps and an Average-Girl
5. Mötley Scrüebällz