House Music (#16 of __) - Hazy Memory Edition

I was a Little-House-on-the-Praire-aphile as a kid, always tuned-in for the latest episodes (Monday nights?) and consistently exposed to reruns during the years before cable TV. I was thinking about the show today, as I often do, and I found myself trying to recall what I thought of as the lake-house-Scooby-Doo-monster-mystery episode.

Found it. This detailed (and accurate) plot summary from an IMdB user is bananas:

Plot Summary for "Little House on the Prairie" The Lake Kezia Monster (1979)
Kezia1 doesn't believe in paying property taxes2, and it isn't long before Mrs. Oleson decides to foreclose on the property and purchase it for herself as the family's vacation home3. Nels objects to the purchase, knowing she had acquired it unfairly and that Kezia would have no place to go, but Mrs. Oleson responds by moving herself and Nellie and Willie to the lakeside property. Mrs. Oleson, in a show of pity, hires Kezia to be their servant and forces her to live in the shack. Laura, Albert and Andy watch from afar and are disgusted at how cruelly the three Olesons are treating their friend Kezia, and also aware that Mrs. Oleson used underhanded means to buy the property. One night, after hearing Caroline read a story about monsters, Albert comes up with an idea to concoct a monster to drive the Olesons off the property4. Working with Kezia, the children set their plans in motion, but Mrs. Oleson, Nellie and Willie are too smart for any tricks and harden their resolve to stay on "their" property. Eventually, Laura, Andy and Albert bring out the heavy artillery: creating a Loch Ness monster out of paper maché5. When they hatch their plans, Mrs. Oleson and her children are convinced that the (non-existant) monster poses a real threat to their safety and they beat it. Nels celebrates the success of Laura's plan with Kezia and the others, and it isn't long before Kezia's ownership in her property is restored ... with the promise she will pay her property taxes6, no matter what she thinks.

1. You remember the beloved character Kezia, right? No? Yeah, me neither. IMdB credits the character in two other episodes, but they don't rank as memorable to this super-fan.
2. Property taxes as a plot point on Little House!
3. A vacation home for someone who already lives in rural 1870's Minnesota!!!
4. This time, a scheme actually does work because of those meddling teens, but sans their dog.
5. Sure. If you're going to go broad, go really broad. The term "Loch Ness monster" wasn't coined until 1933, but hey, they really nailed the period detail with the property tax law stuff.
6. A lesson for the ages. 

I like to imagine a final scene in which Michael Landon stops acting and directly addresses the camera while manly-Pa-Ingalls-tears cascade down his cheeks: "Folks, don't forget to pay your property taxes. God bless." And then a subtitle that just says: Nelda Wells Spears

The final 6 ridiculous minutes of the episode. Just fast forward to the 5:10 mark for hilarious fun-had-by-all.

House Music (#15 of __)

Trailer for the upcoming Tenacious D comeback album. Just saw them at SxSW. Liked a bunch of the new songs and Jack Black still has at least a dozen facial expressions that would have caused milk to shoot out my nose in junior high.

House Music (#14 of __)

Yes, more Odenkirk on television. I like this idea and execution. A lot.

Best of Twitter - February 2012

• Hey, couple on tandem cycle in matching outfits, barking encouragement/commands to each other. Thanks for making dying alone seem appealing.
• Obese guy in motorized scooter, yelling at adult daughter: "Do we need mayonnaise? Do we need mayonnaise?" Me: "Yes. Absolutely yes."
• Super Bowl rings are classy. They're like sweet-ass rims for your fingers. #Wealth #TimeValueOfRims
• Well if you ask me, there's nothing lazy about it. They should call it the Ingenious Susan.
• Belinda Carlisle's fame perfectly overlapped my puberty.
• EMERGENCY: My break dancing troupe needs a fourth who won't ask a bunch of awkward questions. Must supply own hunk of cardboard.
• I bet there's more averted eye contact and self-loathing at a Phantom Menace 3D screening than in the back room of an adult book store.
• This day wouldn't seem so romantic if we were plagued by actual fat, flying babies with bows and arrows.
• “Y'all got Mexican Twitter?” - imagined redneck, sort of trying to be more savvy and diverse
• I would get married and have children, but Volvo doesn't make a T-top station wagon.
• Caught my reflection in the mirror after getting out of the shower. Gave MYSELF some beads. Deserved 'em.
• Don't forget, Catholics. Today's the day you're supposed to put a bunch of "I Voted" stickers on your forehead, or something.
• I have Han Solo-dar. I can totally tell when someone is Han Solo.
• I'm the James Bond of huevos rancheros, and everybody here knows it. #HuevosRancherosHubris #ThisIsBiggerThanMe
• All Tejano videos: Chunky guy with mustache woos much hotter chica while standing near fence, punctuated by grating accordion.
• Sure I'm disappointed in myself. How did I make it to 40, still un-murdered by the president of my fan club? #TooSoon
• At what point in the election cycle are we supposed to submit our threats to move to Canada? I always forget and do it too late.

Lassitude Tableau (#4 of __)

Does anyone know if Mott's for Tots goes with brown liquors? I may have to learn the hard way.

This Is Water

David Foster Wallace would have been 50 today.

The capital-T Truth is about life before death. It is about making it to 30, or maybe 50, without wanting to shoot yourself in the head. It is about simple awareness -- awareness of what is so real and essential, so hidden in plain sight all around us, that we have to keep reminding ourselves, over and over: "This is water, this is water." It is unimaginably hard to do this, to stay conscious and alive, day in and day out.

 

REDUX: That’s Not Amore. This Is Amore.

My former editor likes to passive aggressively remind me of my legacy of bitterness. Here's my paean to St. Valentine's Day from five years ago that she just sent me:

That’s Not Amore. This Is Amore.

It still holds up, especially the bearded, bleary-eyed, bed-headed photo grafted onto Cupid. Laaaadies?

House Music (#13 of __)

The Superego podcast is one of my favorite current things in comedy.

Superego Supershort 7 • Maggie The GPS

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Superego Supershort 8 • Pete Balch

House Music (#12 of __)

2012-01-Jan Playlist

Culled from Best of 2011 lists, plus songs overheard in public that I looked up on SoundHound.

Best of Twitter - January 2012

• Vague promise to try harder at stuff. #SadResolutions
• Marcus Bachmann to endorse fabulousness.//@EileenDSmith: The coveted endorsement of a useless spouse! RE: Todd Palin will endorse Gingrich.
• Okay, I'm showered, dressed and feel good about my appearance. Now the world officially owes me something. #DailyPreludeToDisappointment
• Can't wait for the episode of Downton Abbey that finally introduces the sassy neighbor, Lady Willona Woods, Duchess of Cabrini Green.
• Slept in a hyperbaric chamber like Michael Jackson. Wasn't working, so I switched to a hyperbolic chamber. Now I'm going to live FOREVER!
• Health Tip: When eating, ask yourself, "Does this tastes like infarction?" If yes, maybe think about a smaller portion.
• Just threw out a tub of whipped butter that expired in April of 2009. It's been a tumultuous three years for both of us.
• I'm the sit-com buddy/weird-neighbor in my own life. #SpinOff
• I'm not saying that I'm a world-class expert on the over-medium fried egg, but overheard my waitress tell the cook, "He's here." #Polvos
• Citywide Yard Sale again? Another chance to be reminded that some of the poor have managed to trade their ankles for some sweet-ass rims.

House Music (#11 of __)

Wilco is rarely out of the rotation at the Fortress of Shroatitude.

New this week:

And this:

"Uh huh huh, that was uh...other kids."

Disturbingly awesome. Take a look at some close-ups on Flavorwire if you really want to lose sleep.

I saw Mike Judge last Sunday at Cisco's. He has now supplanted Willem Dafoe as my top celebrity siting/affirmation at my favorite Mexican breakfast eatery. It lead to this exchange later in the day:

Me: "Guess who we saw at Cisco's this morning? Mike Judge."
Mrs. McG: "Who's Mike Judge?"
Me: "He's the creator of King of the Hill and Beavis and Butt-head."
G McG (8 year old girl): "There's a person named Butt-head!?!"
Mr. McG: "Yes. And you still don't get to say 'butt'."

Evel Urges

Prior to Star Wars, from the ages of 4 to 6, I was obsessed with Evel Knievel. First lunchbox? Evel Knievel lunchbox. First watch? Evel Knievel watch (white patent leather strap with blue stars, Evel popping a wheelie on the watch face). First major toy that I specifically requested and received for my birthday? Evel Knievel Stunt Cycle & Gyro Rev-Booster (see below).

Love the claim: "Jumps your set of Encyclopedias Volumes A through W." Because while Evel is a daredevil, he's not foolhardy enough to try to jump X, Y and Z. Mostly, he jumped Hot Wheels and Matchbox Cars in my bedroom on Old Hickory Road. Though it was mid-70s suburbia, I was fortunate to have hardwood floors in my bedroom instead of carpet. Like most of my toys from that era, I'm pretty sure it was eventually broken by Kevin from across the street. Stupid Kevin.

I never saw myself as a daredevil, even when I was a kid, but the thought that I too might grow up to wear red, white and blue jumpsuits seemed reasonable.

This article, originally from 1998, republished recently on HiLoBrow, reminded me of the bizarre, unique place held by Evel Knievel in my childhood and in American culture. I wish the biopic movie staring Matthew McConaughey had been made.

House Music (#10 of __)

Frank Ocean - Nostalgia, Ultra
R&B/Alt-Hip-Hop

His cover of Coldplay's "Strawberry Swing" is particularly sublime.

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Florence + the Machine - Lungs and Ceremonials

Florence Welch is only 25. I've seen her compared to Stevie Nicks and Bjork. A more apt comparison, in my mind, is U2. Ceremonials, especially, is filled with big, anthemic songs.

Florence + the Machine is to U2, as St. Vincent is to Radiohead. Discuss.

My Year in Twitter - 2011

Good riddance 2011. You felt longer than a dog year at times. Here are 50 little jokes that I wrote to briefly distract my mind from the universe’s inherent lack of meaning. I was at my funniest during the first half of the year, so read my January through May posts to see my best work.

1. A black cat followed me for several blocks this morning. Bleak symbolism, 30 hours into the year. #PermissionToTreat2011AsHostile? #Granted
2. #BachelorGlory: I don't think of my house as a bachelor pad, but I know it contains a lot more peanut debris than the homes of most women.
3. #BachelorGlory: Age 40 & living in Texas, I should be wearing a fishnet t-shirt and slapping Debra Winger around a trailer behind Gilley's.
4. Since everyone else posted photos of their dogs in the snow, here's Eli. #ATXSnow http://yfrog.com/h3dm4gj
5. If you don't tell your children about Paul Lynde, who will?
6. My constantly running inner monologue would be easier to ignore if not for its genteel Mississippi drawl.
7. A lot of you don't know that I also have an MFA in Physical Comedy. Like most tall men, I majored in Cleeseian Walk and Dance.
8. “NO, I WILL NOT LOWER MY VOICE.” - Always fun to overhear in public when directed at not-me.
9. Always in the back of my mind: "Yeah, but this manic phase won't last forever." Immediately followed by: "YES IT WILL!" #YayMania #Brains
10. I will never miss another opportunity to refer to money as "cabbage". If only I'd started earlier...#TimeValueOfCabbage

Best of Twitter - December 2011

• Finally, some decent reassess-your-life-but-continue-to-make-the-same-choices weather. Plus, soup.
• Sure, Jeans, I'll put you on as if I'm going to leave the house today.
• I need more of everything, sooner.
• Prepubescent perv, combining two things he knows have mysterious power over him: "Oooh, Christmas tree girls."
• A child appeared frightened by hipster's "tough" facial hair. Wanted to reassure her, "He's probably just some pussy named Trevor."
• Ears should not require this much shaving.
• “That's when I was stepping on kittens!” - "Hang in There" Kitten / Footprints in the Sand, poster mashup
• For Christmas, I'm giving each my faux-nieces a Trophy Wife Barbie. Parents can get them Middle Aged Ken with adjustable hairline.
• “Hey, we're all friends here. No one else has to know if you eat the whole bag of us,” whispered the potato chips in my pantry.
• Making my bed every morning is like Cortés burning his ships behind him.
• The opposite of "whimsy" is "Santa hat".
• There were 6 different Peaches & 1 Herb? Save some for the rest of us, guy. Marlene Mack is the George Lazenby of Peacheses. Discuss.
• Just found out that I Can't Believe It's Not Myrrh has as much cholesterol as regular myrrh. Holidays ruined.
• If you build a life-sized Advent calendar, don't forget to drill air holes. In related news, looks like I won't be getting a wife this year.
• You're right. A Very Bukowski Christmas has been a bit of a bust, and haven't even gotten to the vomiting yet.
• Sometimes, it's important for me to clear my mind, then think about nothing but Olivia Newton-John for ten seconds. #Magic
• Speaking of faux-nieces and faux-nephews, I wish one of my faux-nieces was named Fo'Neese. "Hey, hey Fo'Neese!"
• Buy more lottery tickets. #SadResolutions
• Check the batteries in the smoke detectors. Or don't. #SadResolutions

Separator

Of the songs in my iTunes Top 25 Most Played playlist, this is the one that I've most consistently continued to play throughout 2011. Hypnotic.

If you think this is over
Then you're wrong

Grief Bacon

From a list of top words of 2011, "Kummerspeck" is a German term that literally translates to "grief bacon". It's English usage refers to excess weight gained from emotional overeating.

I'm coining "Langeweilespeck", or "boredom bacon", to refer to overeating as a result of nothing better to do with your evenings. P90x has prevented the weight gain, so far anyway.

Friggin' Germans.

"Look what I found in my Advent calendar!"

I get this meal maybe twice a year. More would hard on my body. OT Special (a double bacon cheeseburger) with a fried egg, thick potato chips, and a Dr. Pepper. That's a top 5 all time meal. It's the American boyfriend of my Cisco's meal.

Speaking of tops, Casey Kasem's American Top 40: The '70s was on the radio at Dirty's, and Steely Dan's "Rikki Don't Lose That Number" was playing when I took this photo. Yep.

House Music (#9 of __)

Delta Playlist

Little bit of disco night at the real Fortress of Shroatitude, but I'm not like changing my clothes for it or nothing.

House Music (#8 of __)

Drunk History Christmas with Ryan Gosling, Jim Carrey and Eva Mendes from Ryan Gosling

I also recommend Jen Kirkman telling the story of Abraham Lincoln (Will Ferrell) and Fredrick Douglass (Don Cheadle).

House Music (#7 of __)

Portugal. The Man - In the Mountain in the Cloud

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Jr. - It's A Corporate World

Foster the People - Torches

Three of the year's best albums.


UPDATE
Paste named Dale Earnhardt Jr. Jr. as the Worst New Band Name of 2011. I hate all three of these bands' names. I would be embarrassed to say them to my mother.

House Music (#6 of __)

I signed up for Hulu solely to watch new episodes of Community. To love this show is to know my sense-of-humor-secret-handshake. One of them, anyway.

Lassitude Tableau (#3 of __) - Digital Edition

And yet, none in the Dryer family of sounds have been able to supplant Rain - Porch as my preferred soporific, ambient noise.

Which of these is best for dying alone?

House Music (#5 of __)

This became amazing on the third time through. Wish they'd played "Little Black Submarines" on SNL. I'm about to dig into The Black Keys' back catalog. (archaic prison phrase)

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Odenkirk anger is always funny to me.

The Black Keys New Van with Bob Odenkirk from The Black Keys