Wednesday, May 09, 2012

House Music (#18 of __)


Wizard People, Dear Reader is an unauthorized, alternate soundtrack of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, by former-Austinite Brad Neely. It's a brilliant piece of comedy, and all of it is available on YouTube, divided into 35 chapters


My favorite sequence, at the 9:40 mark:
"He holds up the Snitch and bellows:
'I am a beautiful animal,
I am a destroyer of worlds,
I am Harry fucking Potter.'
And dear reader, at last, the world was quiet."

Saturday, May 05, 2012

REDUX: Cincos de Mayo

On this, the made-up-iest of holidays, I take a look back at my Cinco de Mayo Classics, judged "classic" by me, after a friend patronized my a few days ago with quotes from The Secret. So from now on, a lot more public self-actualization, which I hear everyone loves.

From 2006:

A Cinco de Mayo Carol (Bah Insecto del Ronquido)



From 2007:

Thursday, May 03, 2012

Best of Twitter - April 2012


  • I came here to do two things, mix metaphors and kick some ass. And it looks like your butt can't cash checks.
  • I came here to do two things, chew gum and kick some ass. And I'll be honest, there's just no way I'll get through all this gum.
  • In case you were still wondering, I just visually confirmed that walking 3 pugs dressed in tutus is not a slimming look.
  • Look! Hints of a purple, orange and yellow light, coming from that tacky gazebo! It's been opened! #KinkadeIsRisen
  • Apropos of nothing, I just remembered that Sammy Leeds is the name of a bully from The Great Brain books. #SomeonePayMeMoney
  • Overhearing a guy pronounce "raison d'etre" as "raisin-deeter" was kind of magical, and one of my own raisin-deeters.
  • Sometimes, I like to eat a hunk of chocolate right in front of a dog and brag about how it won’t LITERALLY kill me. #TheyLoveThat
  • 51st Bay of Pigsiversary! Celebrating by eating bacon in an inflatable kiddie pool & listening to the Buena Vista Social Club soundtrack.
  • Fat guys in fishing shirts look like they're wearing tiny capes. Tucking-in to belt-less short pants adds a nice touch. #ChryslerSebring
  • Pump up the treble, yo. #ChryslerSebring
  • 40% of my trips to the grocery include being asked by old ladies to reach products on top shelves. #SingleServingCreamedMushroomStems
  • Foursquare should always include "Shame" as a check-in option. Or "Don't You Judge Me".
  • Sure I've developed a great pantomime of Nicky Katt angrily whipping off his t-shirt to fight in Dazed and Confused, but now what?
  • Bull is the most incredulous of "shits".
  • Life is what happens in-between wearing festival badges and wristbands.

  • Kneel-Sit-Stand-Kneel-Sit-Stand-A-Go-Go #FailedChurchAttendanceCampaigns
  • Eucharist-Ultra! Still the host with the most...spirit, not carbs! #FailedChurchAttendanceCampaigns
  • Hatchet-faced busy-bodies worship half price. #FailedChurchAttendanceCampaigns
  • Putting the "turd" back into "liturgy". #FailedChurchAttendanceCampaigns
  • 24 y.o. self-professed virgin backup quarterback is giving a sermon to 20k. Keep it weird, Round Rock. #SuccessfulChurchAttendanceCampaigns

Monday, April 30, 2012

Comedy Binge



Moontower Comedy & Oddity Festival


While I probably could have scored a free pass with just a phone call, volunteering ensured that I’d make it out of the house every night from start to finish. As a result, I was downtown all four nights from 6 to 12, on call about half the time, free to go to shows for the rest.

Wednesday

  • The Parish - Ian Karmel, Paul Varghese, Hannibal Buress
Thursday
  • The Parish - Chris Cubas, Rory Scovel, Chelsea Peretti
  • Beale Street - Double Header: Ramin Naze, Erin Jackson, Sean Patton
Friday
  • Beale Street - Austin Show: David McQuary, Holly Lorka, Jimmie Roulette, Brian Gaar, Matt Sadler, Danny Palumbo, Kath Barbadoro, Nick Mullen, Scott Hardy, Ramin Naze
  • The Parish - Show House: Moshe Kasher, Brendon Walsh, Nikki Glaser, Marc Maron, Lucas Molandes, Ari Shaffir, Duncan Trussell
Saturday
  • The Parish - Mike MacRae, Nikki Glaser, John Mulaney
Great comedy at every show. My favorites from each night: Hannibal Buress, Chelsea Peretti, Nikki Glaser, John Mulaney. Mulaney was the biggest surprise. Knew he was funny, but holy moly. Complete, seemingly effortless command, throughout his set. One of the best comedy sets I’ve ever seen, company that includes Hannibal Buress, Kyle Kinane, Maria Bamford, Patton Oswalt and Louis C.K.

---
Regrets
  • Couldn't fit in a show with Maria Bamford.
  • Only got to see a 10 minute set from Marc Maron.
  • Couldn't fit in any improv/sketch shows at Stateside or New Movement Theater.
  • Forgot to bring Excedrin on Thursday night. I’m not being precious or cute when I say that I smiled and laughed until my head hurt, every night. Same thing happened during SxSW, when I ended up at four comedy shows in one night. Headache medicine is a must. Didn't make the same mistake on Friday and Saturday.
---
From my perspective, the festival seemed like an unqualified success, and was certainly more polished and well-run than the first ACL Fest.

Love this town.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Giving Back to the Community


I'm volunteering at the inaugural Moontower Comedy & Oddity Festival for the next four nights. It's not hospice work, but I still think of myself as a hero.

Friday, April 20, 2012

REDUX: Coping with Loss

Yesterday, I was nominated as a Democratic candidate for Texas governor by my former editor Eileen Smith. She linked to the following column (one of my favorites), which I wrote on the eve of the last presidential election, on how to deal with the loss of your candidate.


Coping with Loss



The byline photo confirms my long-held belief that scowling is slimming. That picture had been taken a few weeks earlier at my 20th high school reunion. I remember thinking at the time, that compared to all those other Baldy McFattersons from my class, I looked pretty damn good. When I see that photo now, I wonder, "What's that fat fuck grinning about?" and "Do I carry all my weight in my head?"

This compilation, from 2008, 2010 and 2012, shows how my head has shrunk as my smile has faded (from grin to smirk).

By 2014, it'll be a frown. By 2016, a grimace. By 2018, rictus.

(Christian Bale in The Machinist)

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Today in Huh?story - April 18


April 18, 1480 - Birth of Lucrezia Borgia
Happy 532nd birthday to the illegitimate daughter of the future Pope Alexander VI. Two types of people from the Renaissance are remembered today, fabulous artists and jerks. The Borgias were a noted family of Renaissance creeps. How creepy were the Borgias? Machiavelli based a lot of his writings on them in action. Lucrezia was a rumored poisoner, manipulator, incestor and frowny portrait-sitter (see Cersei, Game of Thrones). Of course, none of that is proven (except for the frowny portraits). Just as likely, Lucrezia ran with a really bitchy clique during junior high, had a falling out with Tiffany of Aragorn (who had just gotten her period), and next thing you know, centuries of infamy. Lucrezia would go on to crank out eight known kids, and maybe as many as eleven. Plus, she’s also thought to have had at least four miscarriages. On her deathbed at age 39: “Oh, I’m the asshole? Sure, I’m the asshole.”


I knew at least three Lucrezias (various spellings) during my school years. None were papal bastards...that I know of! High five!
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April 18, 1831 - University of Alabama founded
A punchline that writes itself. Alabama football fans insist that they won the national title the very next year, even though the first game of intercollegiate football wasn’t played until 1869. Forrest Gump returned kicks for the championship team of 1832. Jim Nabors reigns as Alabama’s best and most representative graduate.
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April 18, 1906 - San Francisco earthquake of 1906
The least fabulous moment in the history of our country’s most fabulous city. One of the worst natural disasters in U.S. history, the earthquake and subsequent fire also marked San Francisco’s transition from the Mos Eisley of the American West to the slightly more gentrified Mos Eisley of the American West.
Fires were much harder to put out during the Sepia Times. Goddamn seagulls!
(Disclosure: My mother, who passed on the carsick-gene to me, once went on a limo tour of San Francisco and surrounding environs, became nauseated, puked the red raspberries she’d had for breakfast onto the back tire and wheel well of a bright white BMW in a parking lot, then immediately bought and ate a veggie burger with all the fixins from a street vendor to replenish her strength, and later called me that day to brag (I guess?) about the experience. That’s carsickness in a nutshell. Our family doesn’t blame the city. Anymore.)
---
April 18, 1955 - Death of Albert Einstein
Albert Einstein of nerd-dorm-room-poster fame, probably best known for his fuck-you hairstyle, also dabbled in maths.
He invented nucular bombs, time travel, warp speed ahead and the Jew Fu fighting system that became known as Krav Maga, which he used to kill Hitler after teleporting into his bunker. Einstein’s landmark 1905 paper on Brownian motion remains humankind’s greatest achievement in poop jokes.
---
April 18, 1980 - Republic of Zimbabwe comes into being
Happy Birthday, Zimbabwe. But an Evite to meet for tapas, then karaoke, that included 18 other countries? And every damn one of them is going to try to pay for their part of the bill with a credit card? And Tanzania is going to be all, "I didn't really drink anything and I don't have a job right now." Jesus. Look, nobody gives a shit about your 32nd birthday, Zimbabwe. How about you wait until you’re 40, then we will let you know about the party.

As part of its transition from British colonial, white-dominated minority rule to majority rule and internationally recognized independence, Rhodesia agreed to change its name to Zimbabwe. In exchange, the outgoing white minority got the naming rights to their signature breed of dog. Thus, the Zimbabwean Zipperspine became the Rhodesian Ridgeback (in the Karanga dialect of Shona, “Zimbabwe” translates to “nature’s most pesky cowlick”). To this day, if you question them about the trade-off, both parties will quickly respond, “Totally worth it.” But you can tell Zimbabweans still miss that dog.
Huh?
(Disclosure: During my early 20s, my best friend had a Zipperspine named Allie. She was a big fan of second-hand marijuana smoke, looking perplexed and sleeping in chairs that appeared comically too small for her. One of my all time favorite dogs.)

Monday, April 09, 2012

Comedy Tropes that Never Fail (#1 of __)


Question: When is a guy in a neck brace not funny?
Still the Answer: Never in recorded history.
Facial road-burn and a sad-trombone-wah-wah expression? Sublime.

This guy is (soon to be, was) the highest paid employee of the state of Arkansas.
We live in heady, intellectual times.


Wednesday, April 04, 2012

Best of Twitter - March 2012


  • I shouldn't use Mott's for Tots as a mixer, because as an alcoholegan, I can't drink anything with a face. http://t.co/0ihAHwta
  • ‘member that time the entire country went bananas because a Taiwanese-American was better than expected at basketball?
  • “Kites? Kite festival? Ah, man...” - disappointed, racist, matzo enthusiast
  • It's impossible not to feel judged for all your life choices when you use five or more dimes as part of a payment for anything.
  • Super Tuesday. If you live in a primary state, throw beads at a candidate and scream "Show me your pendulous gringtorums!"
  • “ 'Tis better to be avuncular than carbuncular.” - aphorism I just made up to feel better about life
  • People still mad, 'cause cyber-hobos? #SxSWi #JunkPanTessierAshpool
  • Referring to other drinkers on NY's Eve and St. Patrick's Day as "amateurs"? Well congratulations on your professional alcoholism.
  • Attention bullies. These music pipsqueaks have beautiful girlfriends. Come on down and get you one. #SxSW #BlutoDoctrine
  • Still angry with your dad, huh Punk Rock? Still not sure what to do with your hands when you perform live, huh Rap? #SxSW
  • Irrational Duke hatred is the nerd-rage of sport.
  • You dorks would wait in line for hours at DukeSucks-Con, just to sit on Cherokee Park's lap and awkwardly mumble "I hate you".
  • The sixth state of the Kübler-Ross model is buying a lottery ticket while wearing pajama pants.
  • If today's weather was a drug, I'd forsake everything else to inject it behind a 7-11 dumpster. "Hear about TJ? He's strung-out on lovely."
  • Got an Evite to be part of a fellowship to cast the Cheney-heart back into Mt. Doom. Hope I don't go all Boromir and try to wield it myself.
  • Age 41 is just like 31, but with 1300% more ear and nose hair maintenance.
  • Had a moment of shared humanity with the clerks & patrons while buying a lottery ticket. We're going to be okay, people...nah, it was gross.

Monday, April 02, 2012

House Music (#17 of __)

In heavy rotation over the last several weeks:







2012-03-March Playlist
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Raphael Saadiq - Stone Rollin'
"Classic" R&B. I love this album cover.



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White Rabbits - Milk Famous
These guys were all over SxSW, though I didn't make it to any of their shows (I'm already on board). People should stop comparing them to Spoon, and start comparing Spoon to them.




Tuesday, March 27, 2012

House Music (#16 of __) - Hazy Memory Edition

I was a Little-House-on-the-Praire-aphile as a kid, always tuned-in for the latest episodes (Monday nights?) and consistently exposed to reruns during the years before cable TV. I was thinking about the show today, as I often do, and I found myself trying to recall what I thought of as the lake-house-Scooby-Doo-monster-mystery episode.

Found it. This detailed (and accurate) plot summary from an IMdB user is bananas:
Plot Summary for "Little House on the Prairie" The Lake Kezia Monster (1979)
Kezia1 doesn't believe in paying property taxes2, and it isn't long before Mrs. Oleson decides to foreclose on the property and purchase it for herself as the family's vacation home3. Nels objects to the purchase, knowing she had acquired it unfairly and that Kezia would have no place to go, but Mrs. Oleson responds by moving herself and Nellie and Willie to the lakeside property. Mrs. Oleson, in a show of pity, hires Kezia to be their servant and forces her to live in the shack. Laura, Albert and Andy watch from afar and are disgusted at how cruelly the three Olesons are treating their friend Kezia, and also aware that Mrs. Oleson used underhanded means to buy the property. One night, after hearing Caroline read a story about monsters, Albert comes up with an idea to concoct a monster to drive the Olesons off the property4. Working with Kezia, the children set their plans in motion, but Mrs. Oleson, Nellie and Willie are too smart for any tricks and harden their resolve to stay on "their" property. Eventually, Laura, Andy and Albert bring out the heavy artillery: creating a Loch Ness monster out of paper maché5. When they hatch their plans, Mrs. Oleson and her children are convinced that the (non-existant) monster poses a real threat to their safety and they beat it. Nels celebrates the success of Laura's plan with Kezia and the others, and it isn't long before Kezia's ownership in her property is restored ... with the promise she will pay her property taxes6, no matter what she thinks.
  1. You remember the beloved character Kezia, right? No? Yeah, me neither. IMdB credits the character in two other episodes, but they don't rank as memorable to this super-fan.
  2. Property taxes as a plot point on Little House!
  3. A vacation home for someone who already lives in rural 1870's Minnesota!!!
  4. This time, a scheme actually does work because of those meddling teens, but sans their dog.
  5. Sure. If you're going to go broad, go really broad. The term "Loch Ness monster" wasn't coined until 1933, but hey, they really nailed the period detail with the property tax law stuff.
  6. A lesson for the ages. 
I like to imagine a final scene in which Michael Landon stops acting and directly addresses the camera while manly-Pa-Ingalls-tears cascade down his cheeks: "Folks, don't forget to pay your property taxes. God bless." And then a subtitle that just says: Nelda Wells Spears
The final 6 ridiculous minutes of the episode. Just fast forward to the 5:10 mark for hilarious fun-had-by-all.




Monday, March 26, 2012

House Music (#15 of __)

Trailer for the upcoming Tenacious D comeback album. Just saw them at SxSW. Liked a bunch of the new songs and Jack Black still has at least a dozen facial expressions that would have caused milk to shoot out my nose in junior high.

Friday, March 09, 2012

House Music (#14 of __)



Yes, more Odenkirk on television. I like this idea and execution. A lot.

Saturday, March 03, 2012

Best of Twitter - February 2012


  • Hey, couple on tandem cycle in matching outfits, barking encouragement/commands to each other. Thanks for making dying alone seem appealing.
  • Obese guy in motorized scooter, yelling at adult daughter: "Do we need mayonnaise? Do we need mayonnaise?" Me: "Yes. Absolutely yes."
  • Super Bowl rings are classy. They're like sweet-ass rims for your fingers. #Wealth #TimeValueOfRims
  • Well if you ask me, there's nothing lazy about it. They should call it the Ingenious Susan.
  • Belinda Carlisle's fame perfectly overlapped my puberty.
  • EMERGENCY: My break dancing troupe needs a fourth who won't ask a bunch of awkward questions. Must supply own hunk of cardboard.
  • I bet there's more averted eye contact and self-loathing at a Phantom Menace 3D screening than in the back room of an adult book store.
  • This day wouldn't seem so romantic if we were plagued by actual fat, flying babies with bows and arrows.
  • “Y'all got Mexican Twitter?” - imagined redneck, sort of trying to be more savvy and diverse
  • I would get married and have children, but Volvo doesn't make a T-top station wagon.
  • Caught my reflection in the mirror after getting out of the shower. Gave MYSELF some beads. Deserved 'em.
  • Don't forget, Catholics. Today's the day you're supposed to put a bunch of "I Voted" stickers on your forehead, or something.
  • I have Han Solo-dar. I can totally tell when someone is Han Solo.
  • I'm the James Bond of huevos rancheros, and everybody here knows it. #HuevosRancherosHubris #ThisIsBiggerThanMe
  • All Tejano videos: Chunky guy with mustache woos much hotter chica while standing near fence, punctuated by grating accordion.
  • Sure I'm disappointed in myself. How did I make it to 40, still un-murdered by the president of my fan club? #TooSoon
  • At what point in the election cycle are we supposed to submit our threats to move to Canada? I always forget and do it too late.

Thursday, March 01, 2012

Lassitude Tableau (#4 of __)


Does anyone know if Mott's for Tots goes with brown liquors? I may have to learn the hard way.


Tuesday, February 21, 2012

This Is Water

David Foster Wallace would have been 50 today.
The capital-T Truth is about life before death. It is about making it to 30, or maybe 50, without wanting to shoot yourself in the head. It is about simple awareness -- awareness of what is so real and essential, so hidden in plain sight all around us, that we have to keep reminding ourselves, over and over: "This is water, this is water." It is unimaginably hard to do this, to stay conscious and alive, day in and day out.

 

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

REDUX: That’s Not Amore. This Is Amore.



My former editor likes to passive aggressively remind me of my legacy of bitterness. Here's my paean to St. Valentine's Day from five years ago that she just sent me:

That’s Not Amore. This Is Amore.


It still holds up, especially the bearded, bleary-eyed, bed-headed photo grafted onto Cupid. Laaaadies?





Sunday, February 12, 2012

House Music (#12 of __)


2012-01-Jan Playlist

Culled from Best of 2011 lists, plus songs overheard in public that I looked up on SoundHound.

Friday, February 03, 2012

Best of Twitter - January 2012



  • Vague promise to try harder at stuff. #SadResolutions
  • Marcus Bachmann to endorse fabulousness.//@EileenDSmith: The coveted endorsement of a useless spouse! RE: Todd Palin will endorse Gingrich.
  • Okay, I'm showered, dressed and feel good about my appearance. Now the world officially owes me something. #DailyPreludeToDisappointment
  • Can't wait for the episode of Downton Abbey that finally introduces the sassy neighbor, Lady Willona Woods, Duchess of Cabrini Green.
  • Slept in a hyperbaric chamber like Michael Jackson. Wasn't working, so I switched to a hyperbolic chamber. Now I'm going to live FOREVER!
  • Health Tip: When eating, ask yourself, "Does this tastes like infarction?" If yes, maybe think about a smaller portion.
  • Just threw out a tub of whipped butter that expired in April of 2009. It's been a tumultuous three years for both of us.
  • I'm the sit-com buddy/weird-neighbor in my own life. #SpinOff
  • I'm not saying that I'm a world-class expert on the over-medium fried egg, but overheard my waitress tell the cook, "He's here." #Polvos
  • Citywide Yard Sale again? Another chance to be reminded that some of the poor have managed to trade their ankles for some sweet-ass rims.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

House Music (#11 of __)

Wilco is rarely out of the rotation at the Fortress of Shroatitude.

New this week:

And this:




Friday, January 20, 2012

"Uh huh huh, that was uh...other kids."



Disturbingly awesome. Take a look at some close-ups on Flavorwire if you really want to lose sleep.

I saw Mike Judge last Sunday at Cisco's. He has now supplanted Willem Dafoe as my top celebrity siting/affirmation at my favorite Mexican breakfast eatery. It lead to this exchange later in the day:

Me: "Guess who we saw at Cisco's this morning? Mike Judge."
Mrs. McG: "Who's Mike Judge?"
Me: "He's the creator of King of the Hill and Beavis and Butt-head."
G McG (8 year old girl): "There's a person named Butt-head!?!"
Mr. McG: "Yes. And you still don't get to say 'butt'."

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Evel Urges


Prior to Star Wars, from the ages of 4 to 6, I was obsessed with Evel Knievel. First lunchbox? Evel Knievel lunchbox. First watch? Evel Knievel watch (white patent leather strap with blue stars, Evel popping a wheelie on the watch face). First major toy that I specifically requested and received for my birthday? Evel Knievel Stunt Cycle & Gyro Rev-Booster (see below).



Love the claim: "Jumps your set of Encyclopedias Volumes A through W." Because while Evel is a daredevil, he's not foolhardy enough to try to jump X, Y and Z. Mostly, he jumped Hot Wheels and Matchbox Cars in my bedroom on Old Hickory Road. Though it was mid-70s suburbia, I was fortunate to have hardwood floors in my bedroom instead of carpet. Like most of my toys from that era, I'm pretty sure it was eventually broken by Kevin from across the street. Stupid Kevin.

I never saw myself as a daredevil, even when I was a kid, but the thought that I too might grow up to wear red, white and blue jumpsuits seemed reasonable.



This article, originally from 1998, republished recently on HiLoBrow, reminded me of the bizarre, unique place held by Evel Knievel in my childhood and in American culture. I wish the biopic movie staring Matthew McConaughey had been made.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

House Music (#10 of __)


Frank OceanNostalgia, Ultra
R&B/Alt-Hip-Hop

His cover of Coldplay's "Strawberry Swing" is particularly sublime.

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Florence + the Machine - Lungs and Ceremonials

Florence Welch is only 25. I've seen her compared to Stevie Nicks and Bjork. A more apt comparison, in my mind, is U2. Ceremonials, especially, is filled with big, anthemic songs.

Florence + the Machine is to U2, as St. Vincent is to Radiohead. Discuss.


Monday, January 02, 2012

My Year in Twitter - 2011


Good riddance 2011. You felt longer than a dog year at times. Here are 50 little jokes that I wrote to briefly distract my mind from the universe’s inherent lack of meaning. I was at my funniest during the first half of the year, so read my January through May posts to see my best work.
  1. A black cat followed me for several blocks this morning. Bleak symbolism, 30 hours into the year. #PermissionToTreat2011AsHostile? #Granted
  2. #BachelorGlory: I don't think of my house as a bachelor pad, but I know it contains a lot more peanut debris than the homes of most women.
  3. #BachelorGlory: Age 40 & living in Texas, I should be wearing a fishnet t-shirt and slapping Debra Winger around a trailer behind Gilley's.
  4. Since everyone else posted photos of their dogs in the snow, here's Eli. #ATXSnow http://yfrog.com/h3dm4gj
  5. If you don't tell your children about Paul Lynde, who will?
  6. My constantly running inner monologue would be easier to ignore if not for its genteel Mississippi drawl.
  7. A lot of you don't know that I also have an MFA in Physical Comedy. Like most tall men, I majored in Cleeseian Walk and Dance.
  8. “NO, I WILL NOT LOWER MY VOICE.” - Always fun to overhear in public when directed at not-me.
  9. Always in the back of my mind: "Yeah, but this manic phase won't last forever." Immediately followed by: "YES IT WILL!" #YayMania #Brains
  10. I will never miss another opportunity to refer to money as "cabbage". If only I'd started earlier...#TimeValueOfCabbage