Non Sequiturs - May 2010

I'm taking a break from this writing exercise, for awhile anyway. CBS still hasn't gotten back to me about turning these into a series.

Antonyms

1. The opposite of "Lyle Lovett" is "short, squat faux-Texan".
2. The opposite of "reading alone at a restaurant" is "public poolside yoga".
3. The opposite of "twee" is "The National".
4. The opposite of "satisfaction guaranteed" is "series finale".

This Was Said©

Perfectly sensible sentences uttered by me, now stripped of all context.

1. Lockhart, TX is vegan kryptonite.
2. I've eaten there literally hundreds of times and still get service that can best be described as "not impolite".
3. Hey, I'm just living this stereotype temporarily...I know I don't belong here.
4. It's not a temper problem. It's a temper opportunity.
5. My Surreal-o-Meter needle just tipped over into Dali.

Classic Grifts©
A public service to raise awareness of notable cons, flimflams, swindles, and cheats.

1. Two Lurlenes Too Many
2. The Aforementioned Afro-mention
3. Door-to-Door Popsicle Repairman
4. Deluxe All's-Well-that-Ends-Well Shuffle

Roku Picks of the Week

Worthwhile viewing available instantly on Netflix.

District 9

Another smart sci-fi movie, shot for relatively little money. I think it stumbles a little toward the end, but worth watching.

Up

Pixar always has a few movies available for instant viewing. The best execution of talking dogs in any movie, ever.

Non Sequiturs - April 2010

Antonyms

1. The opposite of "April Fool's Day" is "good old trusty Octobereen, who always tells the truth, except for that one time about your sister".
2. The opposite of "Warren Buffet" is "Warren Zevon".
3. The opposite of "vegan" is "my beloved Aranda's #3". Sigh.
4. The opposite of "having a sweet tooth" is "having a potato chip tooth".
5. The opposite of "ag exemption" is "virtual cyber-goat".

This Was Said©

Perfectly sensible sentences uttered by me, now stripped of all context.

1. She's got sort of a flapper look. She's also got a creepy robot vibe....Flapbot 5000.
2. It tasted like wet hippie and passive aggression.
3. Nothing is creepier than a sinewy adolescent triathlete.
4. Do you think Constance Wendell-Sheaths will be as sexy as the name implies?

Classic Grifts©
A public service to raise awareness of notable cons, flimflams, swindles, and cheats.

1. The Ol' Hey-We're-Playing-Tonight-Come-Check-Us-Out Flier
   
2. Shifty's Tautological Fugue State
3. Queasy-bait
4. San Diego Welcomes GriftCon '87
   
5. Nipsey Russell's Block of Shame

Roku Picks of the Week

Worthwhile viewing available instantly on Netflix.

Party Down: Season 2

Looks like episodes are being added a week after they premiere on Starz. Funniest comedy on TV.

Roku Picks of the Week

Worthwhile viewing available instantly on Netflix.

Smart Sci-fi Edition

Most movies labelled as science fiction are really futuristic action movies. The movies below are all about ideas and characters. All were relatively low budget.

Moon

Made a lot of critic's top ten lists for 2009. Can't say enough good things about Sam Rockwell's performance.

Donnie Darko

Hasn't aged as well as I'd hoped, but manages to create a world that feels like 1988 (a bland year which shouldn't have a "feel"). The sound track of this movie is very effective.

A Scanner Darkly
Linklater's adaption of Philip K. Dick's paranoia classic is more drug movie than sci-fi. Worth watching to see trippy, roto-scoped Woody Harrelson and Robert Downey Jr.

Primer

Shot in Dallas, spare in both length and story, this movie was made for only $7000.

Roku Picks of the Week

Worthwhile viewing available instantly on Netflix.

Lost in La Mancha
This documentary chronicles Terry Gilliam's failed attempt to film an adaptation of Don Quixote with Johnny Depp. All the more fascinating, now that Gilliam is trying to do it again, over a decade later, this time with Robert Duvall. One of the best documentaries ever about film-making.

The Salton Sea

Loved this tweeker-noir movie when I saw it in the theater and revisited it as a counterpoint to my current obsession with the excellent, similarly methamphetamine-themed Breaking Bad. Seemed a tad contrived on second viewing, but still worth watching for all the character actors in bizarre roles.

Non Sequiturs - March 2010

Antonyms

1. The opposite of "bathtub meth" is "toilet tank hydroponics".
   
2. The opposite of "tweezer" is "facial crescent wrench".
3. The opposite of "cotillion" is "South by Southwest".
4. The opposite of "South by Southwest heebie geebies" is "ACL Festival anticipation".
   
5. The opposite of "nostalgia" is "meta".

This Was Said©

Perfectly sensible sentences uttered by me, now stripped of all context.

1. You're like my sense of humor's consigliere.
2. My dating method? I just go out in public a bunch, then incessantly check Shot in the Dark / Missed Connections personal ads.
   
3. Yeah, that's my brand of charm. Suave quirkiness.
4. People listen to him. Guy's got aphorisms.
   
5. No, I don't want to see Stomp. It's just youths in loose clothing, trying to percuss the mundane.

Classic Grifts©
A public service to raise awareness of notable cons, flimflams, swindles, and cheats.

1. Solipsistic One-card Monte
2. Duodenum for a Day
3. Tall Shorty-Pants and the Less than Flattering Kerchief
   
4. Top Shelf Boozahol with Bottom Shelf Company

Roku Picks of the Week

Worthwhile viewing available instantly on Netflix.

The September Issue

Not many people find themselves both the subject of a documentary and the basis for a fictional character (The Devil Wears Prada). Whatever you think about the utility of fashion in society, this film is an entertaining look into the industry.

We Are Wizards

SxSW excels in showcasing documentaries about the fringes of pop culture. This look at Harry Potter fandom was one of my favorites from SxSW 2008.

Roku Picks of the Week

Worthwhile viewing available instantly on Netflix.

Bronson
This stylized biopic about Britain's most violent prisoner is at times hilarious and disturbing. Tom Hardy, the lead actor, is going to be huge here eventually.

Slacker
Almost 20 years old, Linklater's Austin classic gets a biannual revisit from me. A recognizable location changes with every viewing.

Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic

Part stand up, part music, part sketch, Sarah Silverman is the Lenny Bruce of our generation.

Breaking Bad: Season 1

Breaking Bad: Season 2
Not available for instant viewing, but worth moving up in your DVD/Blu-ray queue. Initially, I thought this show was an interesting cross between The Wire and Weeds. I'm now halfway through the second season and think it's one of the best shows currently on TV. Bryan Cranston is amazing in the lead role and his Emmy for best actor was well deserved.

Roku Picks of the Week

Worthwhile viewing available instantly on Netflix.

Two very different documentaries, with two unique villains:

The King of Kong

Billy Mitchell, the villain in this rivalry for Donkey Kong dominance, defies description. Fiction can't do better.

Cocaine Cowboys
Explores cocaine trafficking in the early 80s in Miami and lays most of the violence at the feet of an insecure woman.

Roku Picks of the Week

Worthwhile viewing available instantly on Netflix.

The Royal Tenenbaums

Rushmore is not available for instant viewing, but Wes Anderson's 2nd best movie is almost as good. So many subtle, hilarious moments. I can't believe this movie is 9 years old. With the notable exceptions of Bill Murray and Alec Baldwin (the narrator), no one involved with this movie has been better since.

Visioneers
This is a tepid recommendation at best. Some funny concepts here, but this movie would have been better as a 20 minute short film. That said, it might be more enjoyable to watch this film in chunks. Zach Galifianakis has a future as a serious character actor.

Roku Picks of the Week

Worthwhile viewing available instantly on Netflix.

Man on Wire
The winner for Best Documentary of 2008 is maybe the best caper film I've ever seen. Despite knowing the outcome, I was on the edge of my seat. Surprisingly moving as well.

Cool Hand Luke
Paul Newman, a man's man, can eat 50 eggs. That's all anyone needs to know before watching his best film.

Non Sequiturs - February 2010

Antonyms

1. The opposite of "spring in my step" is "winter in my neck".
   
2. The opposite of "workday drudgery" is "donut euphoria".
3. The opposite of "optimism" is "regularly going three days in between shaves".
4. The opposite of "nattering nabobs" are "hobnobbing Jim Bobs".

This Was Said©

Perfectly sensible sentences uttered by me, now stripped of all context.

1. I don't want to get too drum-circle with all this.
2. Sometimes, I get the feeling that I'm on the cusp of awesome. But mostly, I'm driving the slow bus to Avuncularville.
3. The appearance of being a nice guy is far more enjoyable than actually being a nice guy.
4. Nah, you don't want to spread your mother's ashes there. You'll end up with spreader's remorse.

Classic Grifts©
A public service to raise awareness of notable cons, flimflams, swindles, and cheats.

1. Doctor Floofnuppin and His Atomic Grope-fingers
   
2. Skullcap for Two
3. A Licorice Chapeau on Layaway
   
4. Steve Jobs and the Ill-fitting iCravat

Roku Picks of the Week

Worthwhile viewing available instantly on Netflix.

Paris, Je T'aime
Short films, all set in Paris, by some big time directors (including the Coen Brothers, Alexander Payne and Alfonso Cuarón). Makes me wish there was more of a market for short films.

Let the Right One In
It takes a lot for me to recommend a horror movie. It takes a lot for me to recommend a Swedish movie. This film cleared both bars.

Super High Me
More than just an amusing stunt.


Previous picks:
Harvard Beats Yale 29-29
This documentary isn't really a sports story. The casual name dropping in this film is unbelievable. Ivy Leaguers rule the planet.

Second Skin
I saw this documentary at SxSW in 2008. Seems a little quaint now, but if you're curious about my typical customers and coworkers, check it out. Entertaining.

Party Down: Season 1
I've already recommended this to most of you. It's among the funniest shows on TV.

49 Up
Fascinating in concept and execution.

Non Sequiturs - January 2010

Antonyms

1. The opposite of "victory riot" is "broken quarterback".
2. The opposite of "Deep Eddy" is "chlorinated hobo".
3. The opposite of "seething rage" is "seething insomnia".
4. The opposite of "youth" is "painful, mystery thumb split".

This Was Said©

Perfectly sensible sentences uttered by me, now stripped of all context.

1. I'm going to be a lot more aggressive with my words this year. Score or draw the foul.
2. Mexican Breakfast. Not just my favorite breakfast. My favorite meal.
3. Managing a baseball team is the dove hunting of coaching.
4. I'm embarrassed, but it worries me that I'm not more embarrassed.
5. I will go from zero to Chet on the next person that suggests I volunteer for Big Brothers Big Sisters.

Classic Grifts©
A public service to raise awareness of notable cons, flimflams, swindles, and cheats.

1. The New, New Fagshoes Varney
2. Wait, What? 2: The Huh-ing
3. Non-Dairy Yogurt-Eyes Only for You

Non Sequiturs - Best of 2009

As voted by my editorial board:

Antonyms

1. The opposite of "lady's man" is "twenty-sided die".
2. The opposite of "anonymous love note" is "keyboard pubes".
   
3. The opposite of David Bowie is Fess Parker.
4. The opposite of "Twitter" is "Tolstoyer", which I have recently installed on my iPhone.
5. The opposite of "quinceañera" is "colonoscopy".
6. The opposite of "hangnail" is "stigmata".
7. The opposite of "welcome mat" is "bus ticket to Fistville".
8. The opposite of "faux-hawk" is "faux-comb-over".
9. The opposite of "lemon zester" is "radish malaiser".
10. The opposite of "emotional roller-coaster" is "moribund tilt-a-whirl".
11. The opposite of "hanging drywall and fixing cars" is "downloading the McSweeney's iPhone app".
12. The opposite of "moral fiber" is "Montezuma's complete lack of restraint".
13. The opposite of "Bo and Luke Duke" are "Randolph and Mortimer Duke."
    

This Was Said

1. That makes me so goddamn mad, I want to punch someone in their mother.
2. I enjoy my life in retrospect.
3. More ass hair than a Guantánamo Bay toilet seat.
4. I'm doing well. My glass is half-full...of mercury.
5. St. Ramen is the patron saint of dying alone.
   
6. I'm not fond of those short dresses that make women look like shuttlecocks.
7. See? I should never have let my subscription to High Times lapse.
8. You never meet an Indian Indian. I don't know anyone named Gupta Tallfeathers.
9. Half the people here wish they were Japanese. The other half wish they were manga.
10. In an efficient mood market, I'd be happy.
11. Whenever someone says comedy is tragedy plus time, I think about the Hindenburg, and how funny it is to me.
12. Denture cream commercials led me to believe old people spent all their time smoking cigarettes and eating blueberries.
13. I’d kill to work downtown. Well, maybe not kill. I’d maim and say mean things to work downtown.
14. Louisville has world class after-rain-street-smell. It's the bourbon of after-rain-street-smell.
15. You guys should hire me as Vice President of Creep Vibe.
16. Yeah, I don't know, man...something about a Möbius strip.
17. Well Luke, that's either a boy clown, or a girl clown with mannish features. I can't tell from here, and I'm not getting any closer.
18. Did you see me? I was on the cover of this month's issue of Awkward Encounter Aficionado.
19. If you do decide to display it, own it. Don't make it kitschy. Yeah, this is my effing lava lamp.

Grifts

1. El Chupacabra, Mediumfoot and the Cryptozoologist
2. Zombie Dale Earnhardt and the NASCAR Step-Dad
3. Social Security Number Sha Boo Ya Roll Call
4. Three Wimps and an Average-Girl
5. Mötley Scrüebällz

Non Sequiturs - December 2009

Antonyms

1. The opposite of "fruition" is "snow day".
2. The opposite of "toothpaste and orange juice smoothie" is "used band-aid stew".
3. The opposite of "eggnog" is "yolk-toasties".
4. The opposite of "infamy" is "lesbian beard-approval".

This Was Said©

Perfectly sensible sentences uttered by me, now stripped of all context.

1. I think it's time for me to grab the horns by the balls and REALLY get some stuff done in my life.
2. Man, I wish that I could still live in Austin AND work at a pickle factory.
3. He's got a bum emotional leg.
4. If you do decide to display it, own it. Don't make it kitschy. Yeah, this is my effing lava lamp.

Classic Grifts©
A public service to raise awareness of notable cons, flimflams, swindles, and cheats.

1. The Pubescent Octogenarian
2. Mötley Scrüebällz
3. Lookie Loo with a Side of Minor Bruising
4. Christmas
5. What? Deez Nutz?

Spoetry - Self-Worth

Each line was the subject line (with original spelling) of a spam email. Arrangement, (some) punctuation and poem title by TJ Shroat.

Self-Worth
Do you know who I am?
A happy genial influence.
Those people are just like me,
and they say I have less right to be here than a servant.
But I could frame a wish for thee.
Wish, want...
It's you?
Sometimes I ask myself.

Non Sequiturs - November 2009

Antonyms

1. The opposite of "informed debate" is "bumper sticker."
2. The opposite of "Bo and Luke Duke" are "Randolph and Mortimer Duke."
3. The opposite of "loud drunk" is "shifty barista".
4. The opposite of "pipsqueak" is "lankysqueak".

This Was Said©

Perfectly sensible sentences uttered by me, now stripped of all context.

1. Yeah, I don't know, man...something about a Möbius strip.
2. My life has become a Harry Chapin B-side.
3. Well Luke, that's either a boy clown, or a girl clown with mannish features. I can't tell from here, and I'm not getting any closer.
   
4. I love when people are pimps of the mundane.
5. Did you see me? I was on the cover of this month's issue of Awkward Encounter Aficionado.

Classic Grifts©
A public service to raise awareness of notable cons, flimflams, swindles, and cheats.

1. Social Security Number Sha Boo Ya Roll Call
2. Hollywood Rhombuses with Blink Martindale
3. Zombie Dale Earnhardt and the NASCAR Step-Dads
4. Three Wimps and an Average-Girl

Spoetry - Your Questions, Answered

Each line was the subject line (with original spelling) of a spam email. Arrangement, (some) punctuation and poem title by TJ Shroat.

Your Questions, Answered
What does a frog want with you?
First kiss, I enjoyed.
Whats better?
Best manure for pork stalk.
Where's your building?
His Aunt Jobiska's Park.
Any plans tonight?
Group Therapy tonight.
Can I interview you?
Your proposal comes too late.
Put these facts together.
Does it work?
I feel so empty, help.

Spoetry - Night Terrors

Each line was the subject line (with original spelling) of a spam email. Arrangement, (some) punctuation and poem title by TJ Shroat.

Night Terrors
Just the other day,
Bessie came into my room before dawn to wake me,
and I was filled with burning anger.
She went and opened the door,
pushed me back into the darkness and slammed the door.
If door squeaks,
I shall spare your life.
But Chris died,
and said he hated it.
I was at a loss.

Non Sequiturs - October 2009

Antonyms

1. The opposite of "ACL Fest" is "Freaknik".
2. The opposite of "39" is "21".
3. The opposite of "What's that Lassie? Timmy fell down a well?" is "balloon hoax".
4. The opposite of "impunity" is "my parents on Facebook".
5. The opposite of "moral fiber" is "Montezuma's complete lack of restraint".

This Was Said©

Perfectly sensible sentences uttered by me, now stripped of all context.

1. Ibuprofen is the cilantro of analgesics.
2. You guys should hire me as Vice President of Creep Vibe.
3. Charging $1.25 for something is so much classier than charging $1.00 or $.99.
4. Ham is the loss leader of existence.
5. And yet, I'm no happier than Australopithecus.

Classic Grifts©
A public service to raise awareness of notable cons, flimflams, swindles, and cheats.

1. A Half King of Prussia with Pants Akimbo
2. Frequent Flier and the Carry-on Turnip
3. El Chupacabra, Mediumfoot and the Cryptozoologist

Spoetry - Commander and Chief

Each line was the subject line (with original spelling) of a spam email. Arrangement, (some) punctuation and poem title by TJ Shroat.

Commander and Chief
Mascot election,
We are calling for nomination.
Our gang needs a bro.
Need your recommendation.
Instantly out of the rose garden,
Something came creeping.
Now another one.
Our new Team-Leader.
You're not like others.
Trust this man?
I told you that about Obama!

Spoetry - The Breakup

Each line was the subject line (with original spelling) of a spam email.
Arrangement, (some) punctuation and poem title by TJ Shroat.

The Breakup
When will you call?
Can't call you. Call me.
I dream of you,
Through the night, and all so peaceful and still...
But I was angry in my heart nor hear.
It was dark and cold outside.
Watching sunrise was fun.
We can work it out?
All what you need.
Let's continue conversation.
...
It's ok, I'll go.
Little I'd ever teach a son but hitting.
Aloha.

Non Sequiturs - September 2009

Antonyms

1. The opposite of "Labor Day" is "Astor-Carnegie-Vanderbiltathon", at your local Rolls Royce dealership.
2. The opposite of "solemn memorial" is "conspiracy remembrance".
3. The opposite of "all you can eat stew" is "succinct omelet".
4. The opposite of "drug mule" is "placebo importer".
5. The opposite of "hanging drywall and fixing cars" is "downloading the McSweeney's iPhone app".

This Was Said©

Perfectly sensible sentences uttered by me, now stripped of all context.

1. I can't sleep past 7, no matter what I did the night before. Of course, that's also about the time my imaginary children wake up.
2. I’d kill to work downtown. Well, maybe not kill. I’d maim and say mean things to work downtown.
3. My comedic timing is used to calibrate atomic clocks. Because on it's own, cesium decay? Not that funny.
4. Mexico is the world's leading exporter of placebo.
5. It's like an anti-gravity Segway for your head.
6. Louisville has world class after-rain-street-smell. It's the bourbon of after-rain-street-smell.
7. No, I became a fan of the Julia Roberts iPhone app on Facebook, not a fan of Julia Roberts on Facebook. Get it straight.

Classic Grifts©
A public service to raise awareness of notable cons, flimflams, swindles, and cheats.

1. Two Men and a Squirrel Donor

Homophonic Meditations©:
These words totally sound alike.

1. Hoarse is funnier than horse.