Non Sequiturs - Best of 2009

As voted by my editorial board:

Antonyms

1. The opposite of "lady's man" is "twenty-sided die".
2. The opposite of "anonymous love note" is "keyboard pubes".
   
3. The opposite of David Bowie is Fess Parker.
4. The opposite of "Twitter" is "Tolstoyer", which I have recently installed on my iPhone.
5. The opposite of "quinceañera" is "colonoscopy".
6. The opposite of "hangnail" is "stigmata".
7. The opposite of "welcome mat" is "bus ticket to Fistville".
8. The opposite of "faux-hawk" is "faux-comb-over".
9. The opposite of "lemon zester" is "radish malaiser".
10. The opposite of "emotional roller-coaster" is "moribund tilt-a-whirl".
11. The opposite of "hanging drywall and fixing cars" is "downloading the McSweeney's iPhone app".
12. The opposite of "moral fiber" is "Montezuma's complete lack of restraint".
13. The opposite of "Bo and Luke Duke" are "Randolph and Mortimer Duke."
    

This Was Said

1. That makes me so goddamn mad, I want to punch someone in their mother.
2. I enjoy my life in retrospect.
3. More ass hair than a Guantánamo Bay toilet seat.
4. I'm doing well. My glass is half-full...of mercury.
5. St. Ramen is the patron saint of dying alone.
   
6. I'm not fond of those short dresses that make women look like shuttlecocks.
7. See? I should never have let my subscription to High Times lapse.
8. You never meet an Indian Indian. I don't know anyone named Gupta Tallfeathers.
9. Half the people here wish they were Japanese. The other half wish they were manga.
10. In an efficient mood market, I'd be happy.
11. Whenever someone says comedy is tragedy plus time, I think about the Hindenburg, and how funny it is to me.
12. Denture cream commercials led me to believe old people spent all their time smoking cigarettes and eating blueberries.
13. I’d kill to work downtown. Well, maybe not kill. I’d maim and say mean things to work downtown.
14. Louisville has world class after-rain-street-smell. It's the bourbon of after-rain-street-smell.
15. You guys should hire me as Vice President of Creep Vibe.
16. Yeah, I don't know, man...something about a Möbius strip.
17. Well Luke, that's either a boy clown, or a girl clown with mannish features. I can't tell from here, and I'm not getting any closer.
18. Did you see me? I was on the cover of this month's issue of Awkward Encounter Aficionado.
19. If you do decide to display it, own it. Don't make it kitschy. Yeah, this is my effing lava lamp.

Grifts

1. El Chupacabra, Mediumfoot and the Cryptozoologist
2. Zombie Dale Earnhardt and the NASCAR Step-Dad
3. Social Security Number Sha Boo Ya Roll Call
4. Three Wimps and an Average-Girl
5. Mötley Scrüebällz

Non Sequiturs - December 2009

Antonyms

1. The opposite of "fruition" is "snow day".
2. The opposite of "toothpaste and orange juice smoothie" is "used band-aid stew".
3. The opposite of "eggnog" is "yolk-toasties".
4. The opposite of "infamy" is "lesbian beard-approval".

This Was Said©

Perfectly sensible sentences uttered by me, now stripped of all context.

1. I think it's time for me to grab the horns by the balls and REALLY get some stuff done in my life.
2. Man, I wish that I could still live in Austin AND work at a pickle factory.
3. He's got a bum emotional leg.
4. If you do decide to display it, own it. Don't make it kitschy. Yeah, this is my effing lava lamp.

Classic Grifts©
A public service to raise awareness of notable cons, flimflams, swindles, and cheats.

1. The Pubescent Octogenarian
2. Mötley Scrüebällz
3. Lookie Loo with a Side of Minor Bruising
4. Christmas
5. What? Deez Nutz?

Spoetry - Self-Worth

Each line was the subject line (with original spelling) of a spam email. Arrangement, (some) punctuation and poem title by TJ Shroat.

Self-Worth
Do you know who I am?
A happy genial influence.
Those people are just like me,
and they say I have less right to be here than a servant.
But I could frame a wish for thee.
Wish, want...
It's you?
Sometimes I ask myself.

Non Sequiturs - November 2009

Antonyms

1. The opposite of "informed debate" is "bumper sticker."
2. The opposite of "Bo and Luke Duke" are "Randolph and Mortimer Duke."
3. The opposite of "loud drunk" is "shifty barista".
4. The opposite of "pipsqueak" is "lankysqueak".

This Was Said©

Perfectly sensible sentences uttered by me, now stripped of all context.

1. Yeah, I don't know, man...something about a Möbius strip.
2. My life has become a Harry Chapin B-side.
3. Well Luke, that's either a boy clown, or a girl clown with mannish features. I can't tell from here, and I'm not getting any closer.
   
4. I love when people are pimps of the mundane.
5. Did you see me? I was on the cover of this month's issue of Awkward Encounter Aficionado.

Classic Grifts©
A public service to raise awareness of notable cons, flimflams, swindles, and cheats.

1. Social Security Number Sha Boo Ya Roll Call
2. Hollywood Rhombuses with Blink Martindale
3. Zombie Dale Earnhardt and the NASCAR Step-Dads
4. Three Wimps and an Average-Girl

Spoetry - Your Questions, Answered

Each line was the subject line (with original spelling) of a spam email. Arrangement, (some) punctuation and poem title by TJ Shroat.

Your Questions, Answered
What does a frog want with you?
First kiss, I enjoyed.
Whats better?
Best manure for pork stalk.
Where's your building?
His Aunt Jobiska's Park.
Any plans tonight?
Group Therapy tonight.
Can I interview you?
Your proposal comes too late.
Put these facts together.
Does it work?
I feel so empty, help.

Spoetry - Night Terrors

Each line was the subject line (with original spelling) of a spam email. Arrangement, (some) punctuation and poem title by TJ Shroat.

Night Terrors
Just the other day,
Bessie came into my room before dawn to wake me,
and I was filled with burning anger.
She went and opened the door,
pushed me back into the darkness and slammed the door.
If door squeaks,
I shall spare your life.
But Chris died,
and said he hated it.
I was at a loss.

Non Sequiturs - October 2009

Antonyms

1. The opposite of "ACL Fest" is "Freaknik".
2. The opposite of "39" is "21".
3. The opposite of "What's that Lassie? Timmy fell down a well?" is "balloon hoax".
4. The opposite of "impunity" is "my parents on Facebook".
5. The opposite of "moral fiber" is "Montezuma's complete lack of restraint".

This Was Said©

Perfectly sensible sentences uttered by me, now stripped of all context.

1. Ibuprofen is the cilantro of analgesics.
2. You guys should hire me as Vice President of Creep Vibe.
3. Charging $1.25 for something is so much classier than charging $1.00 or $.99.
4. Ham is the loss leader of existence.
5. And yet, I'm no happier than Australopithecus.

Classic Grifts©
A public service to raise awareness of notable cons, flimflams, swindles, and cheats.

1. A Half King of Prussia with Pants Akimbo
2. Frequent Flier and the Carry-on Turnip
3. El Chupacabra, Mediumfoot and the Cryptozoologist

Spoetry - Commander and Chief

Each line was the subject line (with original spelling) of a spam email. Arrangement, (some) punctuation and poem title by TJ Shroat.

Commander and Chief
Mascot election,
We are calling for nomination.
Our gang needs a bro.
Need your recommendation.
Instantly out of the rose garden,
Something came creeping.
Now another one.
Our new Team-Leader.
You're not like others.
Trust this man?
I told you that about Obama!

Spoetry - The Breakup

Each line was the subject line (with original spelling) of a spam email.
Arrangement, (some) punctuation and poem title by TJ Shroat.

The Breakup
When will you call?
Can't call you. Call me.
I dream of you,
Through the night, and all so peaceful and still...
But I was angry in my heart nor hear.
It was dark and cold outside.
Watching sunrise was fun.
We can work it out?
All what you need.
Let's continue conversation.
...
It's ok, I'll go.
Little I'd ever teach a son but hitting.
Aloha.

Non Sequiturs - September 2009

Antonyms

1. The opposite of "Labor Day" is "Astor-Carnegie-Vanderbiltathon", at your local Rolls Royce dealership.
2. The opposite of "solemn memorial" is "conspiracy remembrance".
3. The opposite of "all you can eat stew" is "succinct omelet".
4. The opposite of "drug mule" is "placebo importer".
5. The opposite of "hanging drywall and fixing cars" is "downloading the McSweeney's iPhone app".

This Was Said©

Perfectly sensible sentences uttered by me, now stripped of all context.

1. I can't sleep past 7, no matter what I did the night before. Of course, that's also about the time my imaginary children wake up.
2. I’d kill to work downtown. Well, maybe not kill. I’d maim and say mean things to work downtown.
3. My comedic timing is used to calibrate atomic clocks. Because on it's own, cesium decay? Not that funny.
4. Mexico is the world's leading exporter of placebo.
5. It's like an anti-gravity Segway for your head.
6. Louisville has world class after-rain-street-smell. It's the bourbon of after-rain-street-smell.
7. No, I became a fan of the Julia Roberts iPhone app on Facebook, not a fan of Julia Roberts on Facebook. Get it straight.

Classic Grifts©
A public service to raise awareness of notable cons, flimflams, swindles, and cheats.

1. Two Men and a Squirrel Donor

Homophonic Meditations©:
These words totally sound alike.

1. Hoarse is funnier than horse.

Spoetry - Drink, Drank, Drunk

Each line was the title (with original spelling) of a spam email.
Arrangement, (some) punctuation and poem title by TJ Shroat.

Drink, Drank, Drunk
Let's organize a party...
...a Disco party for insiders.
A lot of disco+ c'mon!
Beer?
Britain trying to change its alcoohl culture,
We visit bar today.
Look at this paradox.

Spoetry - Fortes Fortuna Adiuvat

Each line was the title (with original spelling) of a spam email.
Arrangement, (some) punctuation and poem title by TJ Shroat.

Fortes Fortuna Adiuvat
You're our 199 member!
I dont want you to miss it.
Desire to be better, to become a reality.
Turn from sparrow to eagle rubadub soundness zoological.
Overanxiety turn from sparrow to eagle bicuspid.
Unmatched proposal.
Far and few, far and few,
We sell this advice to everyone new.
I dare you now.

Spoetry - Beating Around the Bush

Each line was the title (with original spelling) of a spam email.
Arrangement, (some) punctuation and poem title by TJ Shroat.

Beating Around the Bush
Never let dude-gun fall!
Make night a fever!
Your'll never sleep without a beaute! Because they appreciate hardness!
Make your hammering fantastic!
Screw her rabbit hole!
Keep your excitement on high level lustquencher bobsled!
Wish its was not so small?
Vulcanize the whoopee stick more!
Give your nob real power!
Power for nether rod!
Be proud of it!

Accomplishments - August 2009

Crossed off from my Google To Do List. A whole bunch of nothing.

August 2009

1. http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/testcenter.aspx
2. Deep Eddy - social media
3. Find a way for meaningful involvement with Austin
4. http://www.quantifiedself.com/
5. Focus A/C
6. Give Hulu another chance
7. Billy Squier
8. Find photo of that happy dog

Non Sequiturs - August 2009

Antonyms

1. The opposite of "emotional roller-coaster" is "moribund tilt-a-whirl".
2. The opposite of "bittersweet Facebook announcement" is "celebratory subpoena ".
3. The opposite of "stiff upper lip" is "fatty in a walking cast".
4. The opposite of "handy around the house" is "prolific wordsmith".
5. The opposite of "guesstimate" is "certainticorn". Neither word should be uttered by an assistant DA.
6. The opposite of "civic duty" is "celebratory subpoena".

This Was Said©

Perfectly sensible sentences uttered by me, now stripped of all context.

1. My uncle died of barbecue-lung after toiling for years in the pork mines.
2. Richard Linklater's IMDb entry is the most comforting page to open Safari to. It's my iPhone homepage.
3. In an efficient mood market, I'd be happy.
4. Whenever someone says comedy is tragedy plus time, I think about the Hindenburg, and how funny it is to me.
5. Denture cream commercials led me to believe old people spent all their time smoking cigarettes and eating blueberries.
6. At this very moment, for no discernible reason, I feel really, really great. I give it another three minutes.
7. "Why?" can be a troubling question to wonder about others here. So many people making puzzling choices.

Spoetry - Is There Anything It Can't Do?

Each line was the title (with original spelling) of a spam email.
Arrangement, (some) punctuation and poem title by TJ Shroat.

Is There Anything It Can't Do?
Acai Berry - #1 Superfood.
Acai Elite - All Natural Cleanse.
Acai Berry. Organic. Free Sample.
Boost your energy with Acai Diet.
Acai Berry, once in a Lifetime Offer!
Acai Super Food Diet.
Fat Burning Secret, try Acai Berry.
Acai Diet, lose weight without impossible diet's, as seen on Oprah.
Free radicals out! Acai!
It makes the lovings more.

Spoetry - Everything Has a Price

Each line was the title (with original spelling) of a spam email.
Arrangement, (some) punctuation and poem title by TJ Shroat.

Everything Has a Price
Hair coloring freaks!
And as she thus lamented, someone said to her:
There was a crooked man, and he walked a crooked mile.
But where the hell is he?
Hello?
I searched that you asked me and found.
You wanted proof?
Then join our Bowling evening.

Non Sequiturs - July 2009

Antonyms

1. The opposite of "buying a Porsche" is "Twittering about rain".
2. The opposite of "restraining order" is "inappropriate Facebook liking".
3. The opposite of "Star Wars" is "Rickrolling".
4. The opposite of "acting decisively" is "living a double modal life".
5. The opposite of "perceived wisdom" is "Apollo denial".
6. The opposite of "big fat bully" is "grammar nerd".

This Was Said©

Perfectly sensible sentences uttered by me, now stripped of all context.

1. You're so dumb, you had your butt shown on the news.
2. There aren't any dangers associated with undercooked pork. That's why it's called The Other Antibiotic.
3. See? I should never have let my subscription to High Times lapse.
4. Nothing is sadder than a pregnant waitress.
5. You never meet an Indian Indian. I don't know anyone named Gupta Tallfeathers.
6. We employ a lot of people nicknamed "Floop".
7. He's rich enough to always have a guy carrying a tray in his house.
8. Half the people here wish they were Japanese. The other half wish they were manga.

Accomplishments - July 2009

Crossed off from my Google To Do List. If 2009 is still hoping to crack my top ten favorite years, it's got a lot of ground to make up in the next five months.

July 2009

1. GET BOOTS
2. Arbitron
3. Insomnia remedy for J
4. I Love Movies
5. Spoon in July
6. crazy pdf
7. Shaun Tan - Simply Read Books
8. Drive Car
9. Blizzcon Tix
10. Astro City
11. Leonard Maltin game
12. Haircut
13. jayz + radiohead
14. Happy Factor
15. Dead Weather and Son Volt
16. SWOT - print plan
17. Pocket MBA

Spoetry - Unexplained Phenomena

Each line was the title (with original spelling) of a spam email.
Arrangement, (some) punctuation and poem title by TJ Shroat.

Unexplained Phenomena
US Air Force admits UFO facility.
'Human Zoo' Set To Open Inn Shanghai.
Aguilera's scars on butt.
Local priest killed fagot.
Man kicks car, gets shot.
Can you summorize this?
I love you?

Spoetry - Serendipity

Each line was the title (with original spelling) of a spam email.
Arrangement, (some) punctuation and poem title by TJ Shroat.

Serendipity
Condom Standards Convention 2007...
How can you explain it?
Pleasant night,
I saw your sister.
She took a golden ball.
My golden ball fell into the water.
And my jug without a handle.
Just like i told you.
Now explain me that!

Non Sequiturs - June 2009

Antonyms

1. The opposite of "home state pride" is "Creation Museum".
2. The opposite of "epiphany" is "huh?".
3. The opposite of "Eagle Scout" is "online, virtual whittler".
4. The opposite of "comfort food" is "turmoil secretion".
5. The opposite of "smelling a pretty girl's hair" is "drinking Mercurochrome".
6. The opposite of "flax seed bars" are "alcoholic beef squeezins".

This Was Said©
Perfectly sensible sentences uttered by me, now stripped of all context.

1. He's a big promoter of various putties.
2. I'm not fond of those short dresses that make women look like shuttlecocks.
   
3. That's gayer than a Tony Award.
4. My last name is a delicious, verbal tapas.
5. I need to figure out a way to incorporate maple syrup into my life more often.
6. Also, I'm really good at listening to Player's "Baby Come Back" on YouTube, three times in a row.
7. When's a blimp ever saved anyone?

Accomplishments - June 2009

From my Google To Do List, lots of things I sort of thought about maybe doing and sometimes did.

June 2009

1. Bill Withers
2. No line art
3. Comedy Death Ray
4. junto
5. truck ad - for sale sign for Focus
6. Update to 3.0
7. resole boots
8. Download Pineapple
9. Presta valve top
10. HDMI
11. Lava Lamp Bulb
12. For sale sign
13. Ricky Jay and His 52 Assistants
14. Be ON more often

Perks

There is a truly awful smell emanating from the ceiling, one row over from me. It's a combination of poo-poo and corpse. I can only assume that someone on the late shift managed to secretly stow a feces-caked pair of size 64 tighty-whitey's above the ceiling tiles. I'm periodically sniffing a tin of cinnamon candy to get through the day. I may need to shave my head and burn my clothes when I get home tonight.

Free cake in the cafeteria, however.

Spoetry - Baby Come Back

Baby Come Back
You're a jerk.
You're a moron.
...
...
You are in total command.
That is your life.
But I will make you happy!
Don't be a fool!
Next time listen to what I say!
You won'f fail this time.
So, so sory.

Spoetry #2

Amid the Viagra ads and Nigerian bank scams, I also receive spam emails of a more puzzling nature. EACH line below was the subject line of an email in my Spam folder. I arranged them into poems. Into Art. Feel your spirit soar.

Office Politics
I was your assistant.
You're in trouble.
Your co-worker fired.
You upset me.
Bring documents, please.
Read as fast as possible.
Report in written form.
Make sure of correctness of the decision.
Answer or I'll sue.

Non Sequiturs - May 2009

Antonyms

1. The opposite of "patience" is TJ Shroat.
2. The opposite of "faux-hawk" is "faux-comb-over".
3. The opposite of "visceral experience" is "candied hope".
4. The opposite of "drunken hobo" is "fastidious Webelos".
5. The opposite of "lemon zester" is "radish malaiser".
6. The opposite of "optimistic world view" is "pessimistic narcissism".

This Was Said©
Perfectly sensible sentences uttered by me, now stripped of all context.

1. More ass hair than a Guantánamo Bay toilet seat.
2. I don't want beer served in a Sizzler plastic cup.
3. "Omelet" always looks like it's spelled wrong.
4. I'm doing well. My glass is half-full...of mercury.
5. I'm on my hands and knees, looking at a toilet bowl full of hubris.
6. It's like drinking out of a Georgia mud puddle.
7. St. Ramen is the patron saint of dying alone.

Accomplishments - May 2009

An excerpt of checked (though not necessarily completed) tasks from my Google To Do List.

May 2009

1. Mother's Day
2. perceive ambiguity as opportunity
3. Voice Work - ping G
4. digitize BBQ video
5. Edit 15 posts
6. unsubscribe SGU podcast
   

Spoetry

Amid the Viagra ads and Nigerian bank scams, I also receive spam emails of a more puzzling nature. EACH line below was the subject line of an email in my Spam folder. I arranged them into poems. Into Art. Feel your spirit soar.

Picnic
Work is cancelled today.
You are welcomed at party.
Picnic must-have...our famous Table in a Bag.
Many do not trust, but it is real.
Jam, and jelly, and bread.

Pocahontas
Pocahontas,
Woman with artificial butt.
Tired of sunbathing in clothes because you are too fat?
Take a glance her if you feel like an less of a man.

Non Sequiturs - April 2009

Antonyms

1. The opposite of Bruce Springsteen is Klaus Nomi.
2. The opposite of "cauliflower ear" is "rutabaga eyelid".
3. The opposite of Rube Goldberg is IKEA.
4. The opposite of "welcome mat" is "bus ticket to Fistville".
5. The opposite of "kosher" is "Catholic fish fry".

This Was Said©
Perfectly sensible sentences uttered by me, now stripped of all context.

1. It was okay. I guess I was expecting a lot more velvet.
2. These taste insulationy.
3. Are you flaunting your wedding ring at me? Your metal circlet of not-dying-alone?
4. Green pepper is the creepy uncle of vegetables.
5. I enjoy my life in retrospect.
6. On the plus side, I'll be able to whistle and hum with impunity for the rest my life. That'll keep me warm at night.
7. I'm at that point in my life. I'm thirty-eight. It's either amulet, or get out.
8. "F__k" is the Led Zeppelin of swears.

Accomplishments - April 2009

An excerpt of checked (though not necessarily completed) tasks from my Google To Do List.

April 2009

1. get 11% discount
2. Taxes
3. I'm Not There - SOUNDTRACK
4. take a long view - continue to be consistently, quietly awesome
5. bookshelves - Ikea - Billy black - $59.99 - Aisle 1, Bin 24
6. Unsubscribe Word of the Day
7. Uninstall WoW
8. print stuff for meeting
9. NO TALK OF FEELINGS
10. Studio 360 podcast

Non Sequiturs - March 2009

Antonyms

1. The opposite of "Twitter" is "Tolstoyer", which I have recently installed on my iPhone.
2. The opposite of "zombie" is "any other topic".
3. The opposite of "quinceañera" is "colonoscopy".
4. The opposite of "puppy" is "grackle".
5. The opposite of "hangnail" is "stigmata".
6. The opposite of "South by Southwest hipster" is "Promise Keeper".
7. The opposite of Rod Stewart is Ira Glass.

This Was Said©
Perfectly sensible sentences uttered by me, now stripped of all context.

1. That makes me so goddamn mad, I want to punch someone in their mother.
2. "Is that guy wearing a gi?" "Nah, he has to perform a splenectomy tomorrow."
3. Very few bands have achieved a midget tribute band level of fame.
4. That's a lot of bandying of the word "tincture".
5. Grace and I have been working a classic frosting grift on you.

Accomplishments - March 2009

An excerpt of checked (though not necessarily completed) tasks from my Google To Do List.

March 2009

1. Homemade egg mcmuffin
2. Journey
3. The Blanton
4. Order contact lenses
5. Phil Collins Alamo
6. check radiolab for marshmellow video
7. WE'LL SEE
8. Sell TVs
   
9. manage your expectations
   
10. The New Curmudgeonism

Antonyms - February 2009

1. The opposite of "purpose" is "living in the now".
   
2. The opposite of "clown" is "scorpion".
   
3. The opposite of "zombie" is "erudite, intellectual toddler".
   
4. The opposite of David Bowie is Fess Parker.
   
5. The opposite of "zombie" is "Little League parent".
   
6. The opposite of "Lent" is "Burning Man".
7. The opposite of "zombie" is "flamboyant metrosexual".

Antonyms - January 2009

1. The opposite of "lady's man" is "twenty-sided die".
   
2. The opposite of Charles Manson is Mary Poppins.
   
3. The opposite of "writing exercise" is "constructive job search".
   
4. The opposite of "human misery" is "bacon and egg taco".
   
5. The opposite of "coat tree" is "subterranean galoshes vault".
   
6. The opposite of "American auto worker" is "Chinese gold farmer".
   
7. The opposite of "peppermint" is "vomit burp".
   
8. The opposite of "baby powder" is "wet dog".
   
9. The opposite of "anonymous love note" is "keyboard pubes".

A Friendship Hundredaire

From Texasmonthly.com

Antonyms - December 2008

1. The opposite of "naked" is "tuxedo".
   
2. The opposite of "Thanksgiving" is "August 5".
   
3. The opposite of "almond" is "lint".
   
4. The opposite of "diaper" is "Crabtree & Evelyn".
   
5. The opposite of "penultimate" is "Frisbee golf".
   
6. The opposite of "flip-flops" is "bone mittens".
   
7. The opposite of Alfred Nobel is Jimmie Walker.
8. The opposite of "juice bar" is "car wash".
   
9. The opposite of "septic tank" is "cinnamon".
10. The opposite of "Facebook" is "Buttdaguerreotype".