Lassitude Tableau (#2 of __)

Lassitude Tableau (#1 of __)

It wasn't until I got home that I realized "Basic" meant cheap, rather than unscented. So, not only did I go through the checkout at H.E.B. on Friday at 7PM, red-eyed, 5 o'clock shadow, no ring, automatic assumptions of divorce (too tall and handsome to have never married, "must not be his weekend to see the kids"), to purchase ice cream and toilet paper with an in-store coupon...already a sad, reassess-your-life-tableau...but also, the toilet paper, which I purchased right there in front of all those people, was discount toilet paper. And not a Hill-Country-Fare, I-just-need-toilet-paper-for-my-boat discount toilet paper. No, this was a Mercedes-C-class, can-no-longer-afford-nice-things, still-clinging-to-a-sad-pretense-based-on-brand-identity, nobody-is-fooled discount toilet paper.

Charmin Basic

Tagline: "Holds Up" (The minimum boast a toilet paper can make.)

I guess we'll just have to wait an see.

It also occurred to me on the short drive home that my car, which was named by a friend "The Iso-Griffith" (Me: "Sure. Drives like a glove."), which used to be named "Sedan" for its nondescript make, model and year, which is neither blue nor green nor gray on the outside, which is beige-ish but not beige on the inside, which has a dent on the passenger side, which has an out-of-state license plate because it's (slightly) cheaper register it in Kentucky through my dad's business, that car...well that's the car of a drifter-murderer. We're already in Texas, after all. And now with Daylight Savings Time, I get to make women in parking lots feel uncomfortable an hour earlier in the evenings.

...

...

...

I don't know. Maybe I'm over-thinking the whole basic consumables purchase process.

Post Apocalyptic Jobs I Can Do

1. Traveling Charlatan (with idiot assistant)
2. Maker of Awesome Mix Tapes for Gasoline Marauding in the Wasteland
3. Penis-sheath-wearing Shaman (while Alka-Seltzer stockpile lasts)
4. Bishop in the Fundamentalist Church of Steve Martin
5. Handmaiden Therapist
6. Star Wars Lore-keeper (original trilogy only)
7. Miniature Schnauzer Hounds-master
8. Dishwasher
9. Misanthropic Hermit (easiest transition from pre-apocalypse)
10. Mustache Rides (for 5 fresh rats)
11. Keeper of the Last Copy of In Rainbows
12. Royal Almond Taster (yep, that's still a job)
13. Shakespearean Fool to the Overlord of the Barrens
14. Mexican-Breakfast Forager
15. Bringer of Nose-Milk from Children

#PostApocalypticJobsICanDo

Tonight, on Food-Guilt...

Hair of the Dog - Bacon wrapped beef frank, deep-fried with chili, cheddar cheese, a fried egg and Tabasco sauce.

Chili Cheese Corn Dog - Vienna beef corn dog, split open and filled with chili, cheese & diced onions

This is the best stoner-food option on all of Burnet. (Someone call High Times!)

Switching out migas for huevos rancheros to get cheese and calories out of my diet probably balances this once-a-month meal. (That's what I tell myself.) Discounted (the price, but not the shame) by a coupon. If I can eat this meal enough times, I just know I'll find love.

Best of Twitter - October 2011

• 100% chance that any compact pickup truck with a camper top will be driven by a balding guy with a gray ponytail.
• Mistook Icy Hot roll-on for deodorant, and suddenly, my morning became a hackneyed 80's sitcom bit.
• I refuse to be happy again unless Fred Durst marries Kirsten Dunst and they have a son named Dwayne Durst-Dunst. #YourMoveDurst&Dunst
• You do everything in your power not to appear creepy & then you get an American Girl catalog in the mail. #Macabre http://t.co/5gMy8h03
• Hey, be honest. Does this misanthropy make me look fat?
• If I was a father, I feel like I'd be really good at teaching my kids not to stare at goiters.
• “Send in Weirdy Beardy.” - Every manager's call to a bullpen.
• After winning the lottery, one of my eccentricities will be vacationing only in countries that allow chicken fighting.
• No, no. I don't need a bat. I'm going to choke the candy out of this piñata.
• Go as President Garfield assassin, Charles Guiteau. Act hurt when no one gets it. Never reveal that actual costume is Passive Aggression.

Tweets - Best of September 2011

• I'm a total Willona. #PeopleThatSelfIdentifyAsGoodTimesCharacters
• Windy outdoor breakfast. 5 yr old Lucy casually pulled a pinwheel from her pink backpack and suddenly, the morning was full of possibility.
• Life is too short to do anything solely for the irony. - every hipster's eventual, but too late epiphany
• ‘bout time I bought me some of them red & white striped Richard Simmons shorts. See how that goes before I get the perm.
• And when Alexander saw the breadth of his domain he wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer. #HansGruber #DieHard http://t.co/lPmHekx
• I wouldn't say I have a lot of gray hair, but probably enough for you to be able to work out your daddy issues.
• I should have married the heiress to a red-plastic-cup-at-Mexican-restaurant magnate.
• Wait, shouldn't there be only one set of footprints right now because a supernatural entity is carrying me? #DragMarks
• Please don't make me have to be the one that starts the Facebook fan page for Scarlett Johansson's naked butt photo.
• Ready for a feel-good movie about music & love on the Netflix, kids? It's called Sid & Nancy. #UncleTJsPoorlyConceivedSlumberPartyFor7YrOlds
• Had that dream again where me and a cheerleader buy pot cornbread from a guy with a bunch of old-timey fire engines. ACL, amiright?
• If I could just find the right women's prison movie on Netflix, tonight (and life) would be perfect. I'm a bit of an aesthete, you see.
• Can't say that I'm always thrilled with life, but at least I'll never carry a cardboard "D" and fence silhouette into a stadium. #Ladies?
• Somewhere in the South, there's a guy who used to go by R.T., now bitterly responding to "Ole' Retweet".
• MacArthur Foundation Genius Awards. Once again, failing to recognize my vital work in the field of swell-guyness. http://t.co/ERrLPFHR
• Popcorn: Great as a food noun. Disgusting as a food adjective.
• Noticed for the 1st time that my street appears in several shots of Dazed and Confused. Property value jumped 15% & I have the munchies.
• I've found that the easiest way to get rid of solicitors is to answer the door wearing goggles and holding a toilet brush.
• Parents: Stop correcting your kids for staring at the obese in public. It's the appropriate reaction to a carnival of sorts.
• Last 100 degree day of the year predicted. Time to replace my white Speedos with blue jean short-shorts.

Tweets - Best of August 2011

• Wait, Lowly Worm wasn't an under-employed knowledge worker who occasionally tweeted? I'm going to stop wearing this fez. http://t.co/xWTjxz5
• To anyone who's ever said, "I'm a grown-ass man/woman.": No, you're not.
• This has been a summer of Austin, TX saying, "You knew this about me when you married me."
• Children allowed to use baby-talk are 90% more likely to one day have their own kids mauled by illegal, exotic pets. #FactsIKnow
• Watched "Tree of Life" matinee with 10 old ladies. Bought a corn-dog with a coupon. Modeled for cover of Modern Bachelor.
• Now is the time of day when I drink a bunch of iced tea and get depressed about not participating in more class action lawsuits.
• Incredulous 'bout Vegetable Oil Spreads #AlternativeNamesForICantBelieveItsNotButter
• Still waiting for life to toss Mean Joe Greene's jersey to me.
• Been losing weight since I started doing Pontius pilates but worried it's not good for my soul.
• 5-year-old boys can only take so much fun and laughter before needing to throw a punch out of happiness. All sucker-punches.
• If toes could detach from the foot, they'd already have suffocated themselves in an abandoned refrigerator. #ToesAreStupid
• Right side, roast-beef-having-toe scored 1150 on the SAT. I mean, come on. #ToesAreStupid
• I should have a lot more "Is everything to your satisfaction, Mr. Shroat?" in my life.
• Dreamed that I showed up, to a tense reunion with a past love, dressed like a Cub Scout. Chicks dig Webelos, am I right?

Tweets - Best of July 2011

• Rinsed a cracker in the sink and ate it after dropping it in a soapy puddle on the counter. And just like that, a new low.
• Microwaving frozen falafel patties at 10 p.m.; just as I imagined my adult life when reading stolen Playboys 30 years ago.
• New York Times news alert email about who won Wimbledon. #StuffWhitePeopleLike
• So handsome today, I can't lean against railing without someone yelling "Show-off!" #Handsome
• My attempts to get everyone to refer to me as "El Jefe" have failed to gain traction. Stop being a jerk about this, Mom.
• Unfortunately for The Lullaby League, they opened for a crowd that was clearly there to see The Lollipop Guild.
• The microwave bean burrito is the bologna sandwich of vegan fare.
• #NativeKentuckianFunFact: We all smell like a delightful, subtle blend of boubon, bacon, cigar, mowed grass and urine. #KeenelandCologne
• Big-box stores are the Debra Winger of Craigslist Missed Connection locations.
• It was my understanding that... = I am wrong. I could not be more wrong.
• What's the time? "It's time to eat a bunch of peanuts!" = My house-DJ's call-and-response.
• Template of my dreams (pick 3 or more): tornado + dog I have known + grandparent + place I've lived + mundane task made impossible
• Life sure does have me vacuuming dead roly polies a lot more than I thought it would at this stage.
• I have the appetite and classic eating prowess of a Civil War general. #OrSomething
• Remember when men would dress classy for air travel and wear a coat and tie with their sweatpants & flip-flops?

Tweets - Best of June 2011

• I want women to look at me and think, "Damn, he looks like he could have stepped out of a late-70s perfume commercial." #handsome
• Ennui is the cumin of life.
• Shared moment of solidarity with 80ish Mexican man when we both flinched at horrible, whinnying laugh of nearby awful woman. #WeAreTheWorld
• I wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating crackers but I would kick her out of bed for having a bunch of throwing stars. #Standards
• The world of the idiot is filled with mystery and wonder.
• If a meteor hits this Rush show, Austin will be deprived of most of its 40ish mild-Aspergery guys. You'll miss 25% of us. I mean them.
• By his mid-30s, the Aspergery Rush fan has learned to keep his air-drumming at waist level.
• Sometimes, I worry my career in parkour is over before it really began.
• Austin summer is a long, intense Bikram yoga class. I'm not very good at it but I'm pretty sure the instructor has a thing for me.
• I'm not so much a thought-leader as I am a hunch-leader. But definitely put all your money in molybdenum and veal cutlets.
• A good thing about not being a father is knowing I'll never send a tweet about golf or baseball. #CosbySweaters
• On the other hand, I guess it would be nice to have someone to annually watch the Great Santini with me.
• Bulk Trash Day: A berg of our crazy breaks off & floats out to the curb. "He's throwin' out 13 mop handles? WTF goes on in there?"
• Just overheard the apocryphal "His dad invented the ketchup packet" explanation of wealth. #PacketMagnates
• Dear General Public: Most of you have disgusting feet. I suggest socks, double footectomies, or just staying at home. #HadMineBronzed
• Now's the time of night when I eat a whole bunch of roasted peanuts. #MagicHour
• Why yes, earnest 20-something. I would love to see your laminated sheet & be made to feel guilty as cool air escapes my open front door.

Tweets - Best of May 2011

• Crappy frozen burrito instructions: bake for 40 minutes OR microwave for 40 seconds. Truly, a culinary Sophie's choice.
• Yo mama so fat, she fast-forwards her VHS of "Woodstock" to the Sha Na Na performance. #Yeah #Fat
• Turns out, it's NOT a tradition to tickle Mexicans and demand their pots of gold. I've been doing Cinco de Mayo wrong for years.
• Was thinking about going out tonight, but then I thought, them angry birds ain't gonna sling themselves.
• Yo mama so fat, she has to use the hashtag #blorp in all her Tweets.
• Nothing in the universe is more passive aggressive than the "we need more cashiers" PA announcement at an independent bookstore.
• 1) File a joint tax return. 2) Visit Canada. 3) Win some tickets by being the tenth caller. #SadBucketList
• Ironically, I end up being the first and only Notre Dame graduate to ever get into heaven. #EmbarrassingForMeToo #Rapture
• Reuniting with ALL your dead dogs in heaven? That's going to be awkward for them. #LetTheHumpingBegin #Rapturee
• FYI Left-Behinders: I've been "leaving behind" upper-deckers all over town. Enjoy. #Rapture
• Soooo, I guess no more Riddick movies, huh? #AwkardnessWithVinDieselInHeaven #Rapture
• Your "9-11 Was An Inside Job" bumper sticker tells me your personal life is a bewildering mess.
• Feel kind of sick after eating a banana. Hope I haven't become bananatose intolerant.
• Woke up with the certainty that I am a goddamn treasure. #MorningWoodOfThePsyche

Tweets - Best of April 2011

• Perpetually-shirtless-in-his-front-yard-65-year-old helps ensure that I'm never ranked among the top 5 neighborhood creeps.
• First driveway-roaches of the year scuttled away from my headlights. I have a sweaty back at 10:15 p.m. Summertime has started.
• Four-year-olds are the Jehovah's Witnesses of knock-knock jokes.
• Can't believe Dallas Nite Club doesn't have a bicycle rack. Guys, come on.
• Neck stiffness has me feeling more old-man than an oval, squeezey coin purse with a Lions Club logo. #MoreGarageYoga
• If you're the FourSquare mayor of a 7-Eleven, don't bother trying to convince the police you aren't stoned when they pull you over.
• Guy at grocery loudly into his phone: " Ain't got no Funions, man. No Funions." His only other item: giant bottle of Scope. #FridayNight
• I can't go to a bar that incorporates poultry of any sort into its name or logo.
• New York Times news alert email about who won The Masters. #StuffWhitePeopleLike
• Never take investment advice from an overheard guy who mispronounces "analytical" and dresses like a Vietnamese poker player on TV.
• Food show: Bachelors assemble creatively depressing meals. Tonight: Phil makes Ramen & peanuts with a side of sweatpants & despair.
• I can never envy a handsome short man. It's like, "Yeah dude, but..."
• When working from home, what's the earliest you can add vodka to your iced tea and not "have a problem"? 3:30? Asking for a friend.
• When friends have interventions for me, I pretend I'm from the future, sent back to stop them & save the world. That always shuts them up.
• Table of tense girls, all silently using their phones, none believing the others' charades of weighing better options for the evening.
• “Aww, that ain't nothin' but a weak-ass, regular moon.” - guy who was really into supermoon last month
• Your milchig is in my fleishig! Well your fleishig is in my milchig! Hey, this tastes like a violation of God's will!
• “Lively up yourself” - What I say whenever I have a Rocky Balboa moment with a mirror.
• Just yelled, "Quit it, dick!" at a grasshopper that flew into me a second time in my backyard.
• Too many adults on my block are home during the day. Folks, we (you) can't all be artists. Well, time for 2nd nap.
• Bicycling couples: "Hey, let's joylessly devote ourselves to a hobby with unflattering gear and come to hate each other over it."
• What's the etiquette for telling the people seated at my favorite table that I hate them? Robert's Rules Of Order app isn't clear on this.
• Satiated Satiated Hippos #GamesForDullChildren
• When you know how to make a decent effigy, you never ever have to be lonely.
• The birds that roost above my driveway have diets consisting entirely of chili, grapes and tar. Also, they are jerks.
• Awesome Juxtaposition: Businessman gargle-coughs over a plate of Mexican food while Angry Birds theme plays on his phone.
• “...but in a good way” has always been way too little, way too late.

Tweets - Best of March 2011

• 20th Century Villains: 1) Hitler 2) Stalin 3) Pete Rose 4) Inventor of the leaf-blower 5) Pol Pot. Still playing with the order.
• NO, I WILL NOT LOWER MY VOICE. - Always fun to overhear in public when directed at not-me.
• To Do: Remove all references to taxidermy, Pentecostalism and kung fu from Match.com profile. (Save for third date.)
• Always in the back of my mind: "Yeah, but this manic phase won't last forever." Immediately followed by: "YES IT WILL!" #YayMania #Brains
• I will never miss another opportunity to refer to money as "cabbage". If only I'd started earlier...#TimeValueOfCabbage
• Never have a physical or personality trait that makes you dread interactions with precociously honest children.
• Yoga is the wake held for the demise of your athletic life.
• Hate waking to the realization that I wrote on my own face with marker. And a Hitler moustache? Again? Have to draw in the whole beard now.
• No buyers for my fonts? Fine. Be left behind when Unabomber Manifesto MT, Histrionic Girl Serif & Fucttard Condensed blow up. #sxsw
• Sometimes, when typing on my iPhone in public, I whisper, "This is where the magic happens." #sxsw
• Dreamed David Bowie & I played with Hot Wheels, but he wasn't very into it. Then he got stuck in a water slide. #ZiggySchlitterbahn
• A boy watched, with wide-eyed fascination, as I finished a bowl of salsa with a spoon. I just changed your life, kid.
• To celebrate National Puppy Day, I Lennied an entire litter this morning. I won't be allowed to celebrate National Rabbit Day.
• According to my search history in the Wikipedia app, I've looked up "Larry Fine" four different times. #BetterThanDrunkTexting
• Every few months, I'll have a day in which I have absolutely NO desire to eat chips and salsa. Those are dark days. #SalsaMalaise
• Guy watching fencing on his laptop next to me just shook his head in disgust. Someone's going to get a sissy glove slap challenge.
• I don't have a lazy eye, but one just isn't an enthusiastic go-getter.
• Just discovered a secret pocket in a jacket that I've been wearing for months. Suddenly, all things seem possible.
• Hey, don't look at me like I just built a mashed-potato-Devil's-Tower on my plate.
• Being excited for the start of baseball is like being excited for a 3000 mile road-trip with your parents who smoke.

Face Tattoos

• When choosing a face tattoo, consider the effect it will have on juries during the inevitable penalty phases of your trials. #Pastels
• Closing Life's Doors in calligraphy. #FaceTattoos
• Great Decisions, Yo! in Helvetica. #FaceTattoos
• Kanji character for "Great job, mom and dad". #FaceTattoos
• CFO 4 Life in Mexican-pickup-truck font. #FaceTattoos
• Word bubble on cheek with "I don't really want this job." #FaceTattoos
• Methamphetamine molecular symbol with arrow pointing to mouth. #FaceTattoos
• Of course you got your Queequeg, but harpoonery is not a growth industry, is it? #FaceTattoos

Motivating 4-Year-Olds for Sports

• Son, you rarely see professional athletes show up with blue icing smeared on their faces. #Motivating4YearOldsForSports
• You can't come out of the game because you have hiccups. #Motivating4YearOldsForSports
• Chocolate milk was not the best choice of sideline beverage. #Motivating4YearOldsForSports
• I know Paul Hornung smoked cigarettes in the huddle, but he was a grown man. #Motivating4YearOldsForSports
• That is called streaking, and Uncle TJ is just trying to give you a full soccer experience. #Motivating4YearOldsForSports
• You're all winners. (Except for most of you.) #Motivating4YearOldsForSports

Tweets - February 2011

• #NewCareerIdea: Become known as the Led Zeppelin of _____. Doesn't matter what. Wear tighter clothes. Be awesome. $3k/cool utterance/action
• Power outage. I had to cut myself open and crawl inside to stay warm. (And I thought I smelled bad, on the outside.) #MCEscherrific
• You should bring in your succulents tonight. #LewdColdWeatherTips
• Put on ALL your mittens. #NonLewdColdWeatherTips
• Did you know Patagonia now makes a codpiece? Merino wool baselayer. Gore-Tex shell. Breathable. #LewdColdWeatherTips
• Since everyone else posted photos of their dogs in the snow, here's Eli. #ATXSnow http://yfrog.com/h3dm4gj
• Dreamt that every car on my street had 1 tire stolen & I couldn't come up with a good tweet about it. Also, childhood dog Sneaky was there.
• #BachelorGlory: Found a pair of jeans I didn't know I had and announced to no one, "Yep, more pants for me."
• #NewCareerIdea: Cold weather seminars for Texans. Mostly I yell "Stop being cold!" and "Soup!" and "Blankets!". $3000/attendee
• No one on this planet is more upset than me that iPhone's predictive speller gets "deviled", in deviled eggs, wrong. #2011Anxieties
• #BachelorGlory: You make me want to adhere to a slightly healthier diet. #AsGoodAPickupLineAsAny
• #BachelorGlory: Is that a piccolo in your pocket or are you just indifferent about seeing me? #Both
• If you don't tell your children about Paul Lynde, who will?
• If I am just a brain in a vat, man does this simulation have a lot of hangnails and poo. #Solipsilly
• Grape Ape played for the Yogi Yahooeys in the Laff-A-Lympics = One of many unwanted saved searches stored by my brain. #4amThoughts
• #NewCareerIdea: Confetti dry cleaning. On account of you having all that wet, stinky confetti. $3000/parade
• Angry phone-talking mom in minivan nearly ran me off the road. Listening to Kanye West at the time failed to make it feel hip or manly.
• My constantly running inner monologue would be easier to ignore if not for its genteel Mississippi drawl.
• Trapped inside marathon loop, separated from Cisco's by throngs of sinewy killjoys. Need to borrow helicopter, catapult or giant pogo stick.
• “Our team is named the Tiger-dolphins, that's cool, right TJ?” "That's very cool."
• If I see another play like that, it's Colombian soccer camp for all you. #FriggingOwnGoal http://yfrog.com/h4ohxycj
• Sometimes, I envy this mindset: "Once I get them giant tires on my truck, that's when things are REALLY going to start happening for me."
• Roy Scheider's character in the movie "2010" has a pool with live dolphins in his living room. Really nailed that aspect of life last year.
• Saturn is the giraffe of planets. #4amThoughts #TheCallsAreComingFromInsideMyBrain
• Stopped to watch two grackles fight over a roach on the sidewalk behind City Hall. Ham-fisted with the metaphor, don't you think, Nature?
• Radiohead makes driving around town feel cinematic and my character, played by Tim Olyphant or Tom Hardy, might do something horrible.
• Thinking about having invasive surgery to remove the part of my brain that knows there's an Alabama. - http://j.mp/gl9ITv
• #NewProductIdea: App called ChessTimer records how fast you come up with a clever retort while on social media. $3k/per self-aggrandizement
• Saw a Belarusian harlot, feral kid from Road Warrior & guy in a suit on crutches on E 6th. 15 shopping days left until #sxsw. #LoveThisTown
• Ah, man, these Tom's of Maine anti-depressants work about as well as their deodorant. Bummer. #StinkySadHippies
• I'm a far better dancer than ANY of you suspect. #4amThoughts
• Austin Chronicle - putting out 120 pages of passive aggression a week, just so I can read "News of the Weird" while eating a taco.
• Nothing like the self-esteem boost from having a freshly shaved back, am I right, ladies?
• A lot of you don't know that I also have an MFA in Physical Comedy. Like most tall men, I majored in Cleeseian Walk and Dance.
• Email from mom, unrelated to insomnia (until now): "Dreamed there were flies in your right nostril. Get fly strips to hang." #4amThoughts
• Wait, Olivia Newton-John isn't up for ANY awards? But she's the most breakfast-y actress we’ve ever had. #Oscars are a sham.
• Kirk Douglas has gotten Coen brothers character old. #Oscars
• Aaron Sorkin's acceptance speech sounds like it was written by Aaron Sorkin. #Oscars
• Helen Mirren played a Russian astronaut in "2010". The movie never established whether her character had living room dolphins. #Oscars
• My sabbatical playlist is so awesome, it makes me want to buy coke from Dirk Diggler & light firecrackers in the house. #ButNoJessiesGirl

Tweets - January 2011

• A black cat followed me for several blocks this morning. Bleak symbolism, 30 hours into the year. #PermissionToTreat2011AsHostile? #Granted
• #NewCareerIdea: I phone you at the start of felt cowboy hat season, and again when it's time to switch to a straw cowboy hat. $3000/call
• #BachelorGlory: Explained hummus to an elderly women at HEB. #I'mAHandsomeApproachableManOnMattersOfChickPeas #ToldHerItWasBeanDip
• #NewCareerIdea: I can eat 50 eggs. $60/egg
• #BachelorGlory: When I think of my career as an anthropological expedition, the title of the resulting book is "Fat, Germs and Steal".
• #BachelorGlory: I don't think of my house as a bachelor pad, but I know it contains a lot more peanut debris than the homes of most women.
• #BachelorGlory: My life path will result in me overhearing something like this: "That's my Uncle Weird-Gift. (He's not really my uncle.)"
• #NewCareerIdea: I put on a tuxedo, come to your place of business, and class up the joint. $3000 gets you two hours of classy.
• #BachelorGlory: Sometimes, salsa is so good, it makes my mouth hallucinate. #WeLiveInAGoldenAge #365DaysOfSalsa
• #BachelorGlory: Burt Reynolds was 40 when he made Smokey and the Bandit. #INeedToStepThingsUp #StrangeBarometersOfSuccess
• #BachelorGlory: Just avoided an awkward social encounter with a former acquaintance and felt a tremendous sense of accomplishment. #AimHigh
• #BachelorGlory: @johnmcmcgrath declares this Cisco's visit his best ever. #WitnessToHistory #TheBackOfMyEyeballsAreSweating
• #NewCareerIdea: Supplant Leslie and g-string bicycle guy as man-in-Austin-most-comfortable-with-his-body. $3000/Chamber of Commerce event
• #BachelorGlory: Age 40 & living in Texas, I should be wearing a fishnet t-shirt and slapping Debra Winger around a trailer behind Gilley's.
• #BachelorGlory: It's the triteness of "falling down while leaving a bar" that most upsets me. So I fell (slightly) upon entry. I'll be okay.
• Serotonin is a lovely name for a girl.
• ____ is a lovely name for a girl. ____ is as good a name as any for a boy. #GirlsGetBetterNames #LetsJustCallHimDumpTruck
• #BachelorGlory: Okay Reggae, that's enough. We get it. You're really high and lonely. #YesIHateReggae #SignMyPetition
• #BachelorGlory: I'm putting "foursquare Mayor of Cisco's" on my resume. At least as important as where I went to grad school.
• #NewCareerIdea: Create homemade ID badge. Affix to belt. Swipe badge across door handles when entering public places/businesses. $3k/swipe
• #BachelorGlory: Ladies, we talk about your shoes, but only when we hate them, which is more often than you realize. #FlatsAreNotSexy #Sorry
• #BachelorGlory: Overheard college girls have never been funny. #CheckInAgainWhenYouTurn28
• #BachelorGlory: The most bizarrely repellent trio in Austin just entered The Gaspipe. Made me say "Ugh" aloud. #What? #WhereDoYouBuyIncense?
• #BachelorGlory: My paragon of manliness, Harrison Ford, was 40 when he made Blade Runner. #StrangeBarometersOfSuccess #KillMoreReplicants
• #BachelorGlory: About to win a staring-into-the-abyss contest against a box of Popeye's chicken. Saturday night just got double-awesome.
• #BachelorGlory: Said "mazal tov" to table of Hispanic college kids posing for photo at Cisco's. One responded "l'chayim". #Multiculturalism
• Partial list of wireless networks currently within range of my laptop: Linksys Phil, Amigo, NoFeAr, HORSE DICK TEAM, Fruitcake, Chlamydia

My Favorite Tweets of 2010

• Classic Grift©: The New, New Fagshoes Varney
• This Was Said©: I don't want to get too drum-circle with all this.
• ThisWasSaid©: Nah, you don't want to spread your mother's ashes there. You'll end up with spreader's remorse.
• The opposite of "bathtub meth" is "toilet tank hydroponics".
• ClassicGrift©: Solipsistic One-card Monte
• ThisWasSaid©: Yeah, that's my brand of charm. Suave quirkiness.
• ClassicGrift©: Tall Shorty-Pants and the Less than Flattering Kerchief
• ThisWasSaid©: It tasted like wet hippie and passive aggression.
• A dog riding in a motorcycle side-car seems like a cliche until you see it in person. Surprisingly delightful.
• ThisWasSaid©: Hey, I'm just living this stereotype temporarily...I know I don't belong here.
• Mom just demonstrated the car-sick gene I inherited from her by puking in my yard after drive downtown. Dad and I laughed. Cruel-humor gene?
• ClassicGrift©: Door-to-Door Popsicle Repairman
• ThisWasSaid©: It's not a temper problem. It's a temper opportunity.
• #BachelorGlory: I hope future cartoonists are able to convey my feelings of vague superiority with a graphic analogous to stink lines.
• Trying to teach my 3 & 6 year old house guests about clever humor. Still finding fake mustaches around the house. Prop comics. Unacceptable.
• Journey had a secretary named Boston. Boston had a secretary named Journey.
• Everyone should be embarrassed by cycling apparel. Everyone.
• #BachelorGlory: Bringing my hunting falcon to ACL now just seems like an embarrassing affectation.
• #BachelorGlory: Hey complaining Austin natives, sorry we moved here and made your town more awesome.
• #BachelorGlory: I thought there'd be more maniacal laughter on my part at this stage of life.
• #BachelorGlory: Most frequently overheard conversation topic in bars and restaurants? Angrily retold tales of "that's not my job."
• #BachelorGlory: That's sadder than a high school teacher forced to play donkey basketball during homecoming week.
• #NewCareerIdea: I send you hilarious texts/IMs while you work. Turnkey humor solution. I start at $3000/week. #TheseFartJokesAreGoingToWaste
• #BachelorGlory: Whenever I hear bad news, I like to yell "Too soon!", as if I'm sanctimoniously rejecting an inappropriate comedian.
• Sometimes, when I'm at the end of a business call, I get the urge to whisper "I love you", right before I hang up. #MomentsOfAwkwardness
• #BachelorGlory: Just overheard: ...well you can pretty much guarantee a used jet ski will come with a trailer. #HowDidIEndUpInAJetSkiBar

Tweets - December 2010

• #BachelorGlory: 2010 - The Tacoiest Year of My Life. #NoFaintPraise #They'reNotJustForBreakfastAnymore
• #BachelorGlory: I'm the Pete Rose of Mexican breakfast. #AllTimeGreatsNotInTheirHallsOfFame #INeverBetAgainstMyBreakfasting
• #BachelorGlory: "You are still the Mayor of Cisco's." My weekly affirmation, courtesy of foursquare.
• #BachelorGlory: Guy at next table is wearing a toupee. In 2010. My Cisco's experience just went to eleven.
• If I'm not mistaken, that model of toupee was a Will Wynn GXi. Very nice. #SupportLocalToupees
• #NewCareerIdea: I send you hilarious texts/IMs while you work. Turnkey humor solution. I start at $3000/week. #TheseFartJokesAreGoingToWaste
• #BachelorGlory: Whenever I hear bad news, I like to yell "Too soon!", as if I'm sanctimoniously rejecting an inappropriate comedian.
• #NewCareerIdea: I leave comments on your Facebook posts that will convey to your mother that you have witty, urbane friends. $3000/week
• #NewCareerIdea: I leave quotes from the rap music on your Facebook to scare/impress your mother that you have witty, urban friends. $3k/week
• Sometimes, when I'm at the end of a business call, I get the urge to whisper "I love you", right before I hang up. #MomentsOfAwkwardness
• #BachelorGlory: Just overheard: ...well you can pretty much guarantee a used jet ski will come with a trailer. #HowDidIEndUpInAJetSkiBar
• #BachelorGlory: Tak
• ing Dramamine before a flight sure does make me feel like James Bond. So does a layover in Alabama. #HopeIGetAMiddleSeat
• There's no easy way to say this, TV. You've gotten fatter and dumber since we last spent time together at my parents'. #UseYourInsideVoice
• #BachelorGlory: Forgot to pack my veganism for my trip home. Also forgot my gastrointestinal self-respect. http://yfrog.com/h45iixlj
• Pity the self-aware douche-bag. Bright enough to know he is one, but not why. Makes him angry and douchier. #DoucierAutoCorrectsToSpicules